Missing Carter

The holidays are upon us and I can feel it. I'm sure the extra hormones don't help either.

Christmas is coming and he's not here. The holidays are hard because it is supposed to be this magical time of year. The lights and the presents and everyone feeling festive. What should be the happiest time of year is a painful reminder of what isn't. This isn't to say that we don't remember the true meaning of Christmas and what all the celebration is really about, it's just that in this time of wonderful memories we are reminded of the memories we will never have. This pain is one that never leaves. It does get to a point where there are fewer heart wrenching days, but they are always still there.

Sometimes I sit and think about how different my life would have been if we were raising both our boys. I would probably actually want to put up my Christmas tree and decorate. I hate shopping, so I don't think that would change even if I did have two little boys to shop for. His stocking wouldn't be empty. There would be two sets of Christmas jammies instead of one. I would get to get two little smiling faces out of their cribs in the morning. We wouldn't have to go to the cemetery to be with our son on Christmas day.

Carter, your mom misses you so much. I know heaven is probably pretty cool at Christmastime, but I wish you were here. I just want to hold you again, to feel your weight in my arms, and see your sweet little face. I want to see you walk and I want to hear you say "mama". I love you with all of my heart and I can't wait to see you again little buddy.