Sunday, November 27, 2011

Not Ready

I love Christmas. I usually start decorating before Thanksgiving. This year, I'm not ready. My boxes of decorations have been sitting out waiting to be put up, but I just haven't done it. I keep looking at it and thinking I should put it up, but I'm not ready. I'm not ready to put up our stocking holder and have to decide whether I put up a stocking for Carter or not. I don't know how to celebrate Christmas with my baby gone. I have tried to decorate a few times but nothing looks right so I put it away again. I want Carter here for Christmas and I also want Christmas to be perfect for Cohen, but I can't have either. Maybe one of these days I will be able to bring myself to get ready for Christmas, but right now, I'm not ready.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Jana. I also LOVE Christmas but my heart definitely wasn't in it that first year. I really wanted Christmas to be absolutely perfect for my surviving daughter but I knew that it couldn't be, as her sister wasn't going to be there to share it with her. I bought way too many presents in some weird attempt to compensate her I think. Although I never could. Don't rush yourself, although I definitely still enjoy the holidays, they have a slightly bittersweet element to them now. The first Christmas in particular, I found hard.
    Thinking of you and your boys. I'm sure Cohen will have a lovely Christmas, all he probably really wants is you and his daddy! Carter will be remembered, I wish he were here to celebrate with his family and his twin xo