Wednesday, November 16, 2011

All I Want For Christmas

Today is World Prematurity Day. A day to remember all the babies that were born early, who have fought and won, and the babies who are angels. So thankful for both of my boys.

I also came across this line of cards called "Lost for Words". It is a line of really neat cards for parents who have preemies, lost a baby, cards for due dates, loss of a daughter, sister, grandbaby, twin, etc. I hope none of you ever have to use any of these cards, but if you come across someone else in one of these situations I think these would be really wonderful to send. Parents of preemies don't often get a lot of "congratulations" or cards when their babies are born so I think these would be perfect. They acknowledge the situation but aren't covered in baby rattles and rainbows because sometimes the situation doesn't seem appropriate for that. So often people truly are "lost for words" so I think it is great that these cards have been made. 

The other night Danny and I were laying in bed talking about what we wanted for Christmas. As you may know, I love Christmas so I usually start asking in October what he is going to get me. Not that I really care what he is getting as much as I like the anticipation of knowing Christmas is coming! This year things will be a little different.

All I want for Christmas is my son. For my boys to be together for just one day. For us to get to see them together as brothers, how they should have been. I want to plop two babies in front of the Christmas tree and take their picture. I want two stockings to fill and two boys to put into their matching Christmas jammies.

I know Christmas isn't going to be easy. It is my favorite holiday and I look forward to it all year. Someday I am going to be that lady that goes completely nuts and decorates every inch of her house. I know it's going to be hard for me to know that someone is missing during this season that I love so much. There will always be a little piece of my heart missing and and an ache for Carter. And also for Cohen. I am sad for what he is missing out on by not having his brother. His twin brother. I was so looking forward to getting to see and experience the special bond that twins have. Finishing each other's sentences, maybe having their own language, playing tricks on people and switching places. He won't get to have that.

All I want for Christmas is to have Carter here with us. I don't want anything else. He doesn't even have to be here for the whole day. Even for just an hour, although I know that would never be enough. I want a lifetime with him. Maybe I could get just a small glimpse into heaven to see how he is doing? To make sure he has a little Christmas tree with lights? To make sure someone fills his stocking? To make sure someone is reading him the Christmas story when he goes to bed Christmas Eve? To make sure somebody gets pictures of him running (crawling?) out of his room to the Christmas tree to open his presents? To see him play with his new toys?

Everybody tells me I am so strong and brave. I don't feel strong or brave. Tonight I feel like my heart is broken and that I don't want to have Christmas without my son. Yes, Christmas is going to be hard. Please continue to keep us in your prayers. As always, we appreciate it so much.


  1. My heart is aching for you. I will specifically remember to pray for you through the holidays.

  2. Praying for the grief you feel to ease, so you can feel happy again. Give it to God. I will pray for you to be comforted by His perfect love, and for the comfort only God can give. :-)

  3. Not being able to have a child on our own is the hardest thing my husband and I have ever had to go through, that being said I could never imagine the pain of losing a child. Although your heart breaks you truely are a very strong person because god would never let you entirely fall apart. You were given Cohen to make the world a better place and that is what you are doing with the NICU care packages. Carter will forever been in everyones prayers, along with the rest of your family. God Bless.

  4. Hi Jana, I know what it's like facing a holiday with out a loved child. So I can empathise with you. Someone once gave me a song called, God's rocking chair. It's about the babies that God is rocking, those who'se mother's never got to rock. It brought me lots of comfort. My prayer is that as you work through the pain, you will feel the support of your family, friends, and those of us who never met you, but are able to help carry the burden. People will tell you how strong you are, and that God knows that you can handle this, but that doesn't reduce the pain you will feel. Remember to lean on Him, as you grow, and watch Cohen grow. Agape, Bonnie VanFossen