Community & Waves of Light

It was both beautiful and heartbreaking to see all of the candles for little ones on facebook and blogs yesterday. So many little lives gone far too soon but so wonderful to see all the support for these babies and their families. It's nice to have them acknowledged.

Day 14. Community Our community is so amazing, but with that being said, none of us want to be a member. Share a photo of a community gathering or event that you have attended.

I have to say that my "community" outside of my family, has been found mostly online. There are some parents that are local and that I have met with, but I have come into contact with most of them because of the blog or on facebook somehow. There is an amazing community of parents out there. Parents who I am free to be myself with, whether I'm having a good day or a bad day, they get it. 


Day 15. WAVE of LIGHT Today is October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Light a candle at 7pm to help create a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours. Photograph your light!There were people around the world lighting candles at 7 pm to create a "wave of light". Here is our candle that we lit for Carter and his friends.

Day 16. Release Balloons, lanterns, butterflies, doves.

As I have mentioned before, releasing balloons has kind of been our thing for Carter. On the 4th of July, there were some lanterns released and they were so beautiful and I would like to do that for Carter one day. Maybe on his next birthday.

And speaking of balloons, I just wanted to share this real quick. I was sitting at the computer yesterday and I looked out into our yard and saw a balloon sitting right by the stairs. I thought it was a little weird, so I asked my mom if she had dropped off a balloon. She said she had so I asked her why she left it in the back yard. Turns out she had tied it to one of the pumpkins on our front stairs. I just have this picture in my head of Carter carrying that balloon around the house and putting it in the back yard where he knew I would see it. Such a sweet boy, saying "hi" to his mom.

And lastly, we have a guest post today over at Life After NICU about finding hope in grief. Go check it out! 

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Today we remember all of the babies gone too soon and their families who are living without them.

For Carter and his friends Esther, Sammy, Andy, Dex, Treyton, Parker, Emma and Keaton, Ryan, and Jonathan. If you would like to add your baby(ies) names please feel free to do so in the comments or on our facebook page.

I hope today is a peaceful day to remember your little ones and to share their stories. If you would like to watch Carter's video we made him, it is here.

And to our Carter - not a day goes by that we don't think of you and miss you. We love you with all our hearts and can't wait until we get to see you again!

Capture Your Grief: Day 12- Scents and Day 13 - Signs

Day 12. Scents Do you have a scent that you relate to your baby/ies/child/ren? Is it a candle scent, perfume, food or maybe a flower? Share it with us!

These are the two scents that remind me of my pregnancy. The lotion is some I got when I was first pregnant. I used it every day while I was at home during my pregnancy.

The body wash is one that my mom brought me while I was in the hospital. I begged her to go find me something other than those little hospital bars of soap. I used it while I was in the hospital and while Cohen was in the NICU, it reminds me of being pregnant.


 Day 13. Signs If you believe in signs from your child/ren, share with us an experience you have had.

Last year at all of our family holidays, we let a balloon go for Carter. Each time we let one go, no matter where we were, they would always fly towards our house. Balloons have always been our "signs" for Carter. One day I stopped by the cemetery and I was cleaning up Carter's grave and I picked up a deflated balloon off the ground to drop off in the garbage on my way out. I put the balloon in the car and as I started to drive, it floated up to the ceiling. It stayed up the whole time I was driving, I didn't stop to throw it out. Instead, I took it all the way home with me, enjoying my time thinking of Carter. When I got home, it was still floating around so I let it go and it floated right away. It was like Carter had just stopped to say "hi" and to let me know he was okay. 

Happy Coming Home Day, Cohen!!

It has been a YEAR (Oct 13) since Cohen came home from the hospital! Can you believe it!? As with many other of our "dates" it seems like it's been longer than a year and like it was just yesterday at the same time.

We are incredibly thankful for how "healthy" Cohen has been since we brought him home. We were desperate to get him home after his due date came and went and there still didn't seem to be an end in sight. After reassuring the doctors that we could handle him at home with a feeding tube and oxygen, the ball began rolling to get him home. Within a matter of days he had taken his carseat test, we had watched videos, set up home oxygen and feeding tube supplies and we were as ready (and terrified) as we could be. And then...he had an eye exam and he was inches away from needing surgery for his ROP. It was strongly suggested that we stay until the next eye exam in case he needed surgery in which case he would have to be readmitted and blah blah. So, we heaved a deep sigh, and trudged along for almost another week.

I remember sitting in the recliner chair holding him, waiting for the doctor to come in for his eye check. I just sat staring at his little face, begging and pleading and praying that he wouldn't need surgery. I was terrified he would need the surgery which would require reintubation and add more days to his NICU stay. Of course we would have done anything he needed, but it was something we were hoping to avoid. My mom and Danny were both there and as we saw the doctor approaching we left to wait in the hallway (eye exams are no fun). The nurse popped her head back out into the hall and said "okay you can come back". I was trying to read her face but she wasn't giving us any hints. My heart dropped and I knew he was going to need the surgery. But he DIDN'T!!! I cried tears of joy knowing that we were finally, after 130 days and then some, going to get to bring Cohen home. IF you are a parent of a preemie, you know how incredibly hard it is to leave your child every night and to be away from them. Most parents worry about the first time they leave their child overnight and we had never spent a night with our baby.

Those last weeks in the NICU were pretty awful for me. I was desperate to get out and get home and be family. There were twins in the same room as Cohen and it was just draining all of my energy and emotion to get to see a mom that got to keep both of her babies. It's not right or fair, but it's just where I was. Drained and constantly reminded that while we were excited to bring Cohen home, we weren't bringing our twins home. I owed many nurses apologies for my behavior those last days but I just couldn't take any more. We really didn't sleep much the night before we left, we were just too excited and nervous and overjoyed and terrified.

And this was it, the moment had arrived. We were going HOME. We packed Cohen up in the car and said all our last goodbyes. It was bittersweet for sure, saying goodbye to the nurses who had we had grown to love and who had taken care of not only Cohen, but us as well. It felt so weird walking out the door with him. I was sure I was going to set off alarms or someone was going to think we were stealing him. For that one brief moment, we were mostly normal (besides the oxygen tank), but people might have thought we were just a normal couple taking our baby home.

{One final exam before leaving}

 When we finally got home, we dumped 5 months worth of stuff on the floor and it didn't move for probably a week. We showed Cohen around the house and then we just enjoyed being home. In our own space. The weeks taht followed were filled with numerous doctors visits, most in Seattle, oxygen drop offs, late night tube feedings, but we didn't care. We were home. And it was the best feeling in the world.

 {No more living out of bags!!!}

 {We have this picture framed, the day we walked into our house with Cohen for the very first time}

{"I think I like this home place..."

Day 11: Supportive Family/Friends

Day 11. Supportive Friends/Family Who has been there for you?

If you've been around here long, you know that we have incredibly supportive family. If I don't say that enough, shame on me. They are wonderful and amazing. We aren't perfect by any means, but we are here for each other.

My mom and sister had their bags packed for the moment I called them and told them it was time for the boys to be born. That night I made the phone call to them I was so relieved that they were coming down. I am so grateful that my mom and my sister Karen got to meet Carter. I will never, ever regret them coming down and getting to meet him. I wish our whole families had gotten to meet him, but it just wasn't realistic at the time.

 Our family has always treated Carter like a real person and has never once made me feel pressured to move on or get over it. And I appreciate that more than any words can ever express. They take flowers and balloons to his grave, they bring Christmas presents for him and remember him in their own little ways and it brings joy to my heart that he is remembered. They have helped us walk this journey and there's no way we could have done it without them. My mom stayed with me in the hospital every.single.night that Danny couldn't be there. My dad took time off after the boys were born to stay down in Seattle with us. Our family made the arrangements for Carter's burial and took care of Carter's headstone. We are so incredibly grateful for each and every one of you! (Danny's parents are a little more camera shy so we don't have many pictures of them)

 {My mom's tattoo - Carter Garen, Forever Loved}

Our friends have also been very supportive. We were the first of our close friends to have children so it was a bit of uncharted territory. A situation like this truly teaches you who your true friends are -- the ones who keep calling, and keep asking, and keep remembering. We are so thankful for our friends and our new friends we've made along the way. Thank you for laughing with us, crying with us, being silent with us, for checking on us, and for giving us grace.

We couldn't have asked for better support from our family, old friends, new friends, church family, and "strangers". This blog has also been a huge support and we are so thankful for all of our friends here as well.

Capture Your Grief: Day 8, 9, 10

I've been a little behind so I'm combining a few posts of Capture Your Grief.





Day 8. Jewelery Do you have a piece of jewelery in memory of your baby/ies/child/ren? Share it!  

I actually have 2 necklaces that were given to me by 2 different friends. I love them both so much. Such a perfect, subtle way to remember both of my boys and always keep them with me.

The round one had a pearl on it that fell off somewhere :( I have two "twin" pearls that I got in Hawaii while I was pregnant that I want to put on the necklace.

The other one was given to me by another baby loss mom. Her little girl lives right next to Carter at the cemetery.

 Day 9. Special Place This could be a place that you visit that brings you peace. Maybe it is a place that you went to when you were pregnant or where your child’s place of rest is.

My special place is Carter's grave. I don't go as often as I would like, but it's really the only place that I feel close to him.

 {The first time we took Cohen to Carter's grave}

 

 Day 10. Symbol Do you have a symbol for your baby/ies/child/ren? It could be a butterfly, dragonfly, a humming-bird, dolphin, seashell, share what it is and why it is so symbolic to you.

I don't know that I really have a symbol for Carter. Whenever we are out walking though I always see those little white butterflies and they make me think of him and I feel like he is there with us. 

Sleeplessness, Sickness, and Sensory Time

I'm in a bit of a funk. Maybe it's the fact that over the weekend Cohen didn't sleep more than 30 minutes at a time without waking up crying. All.night.long. Poor little fellow wasn't feeling good and couldn't sleep. We took him in to the doctor and other than a little cold, it didn't seem like there was anything else wrong. Finally, last night he SLEPT! I have a new sympathy for parents whose kids don't enjoy sleep as much as mine. We have been so lucky to have a baby who sleeps through the night quite easily. That's why we were so worried that something was wrong with him because he has always been a great sleeper. I will say I enjoyed my snuggle time though as Cohen is totally not a snuggly baby. When it's sleep time, it's sleep time. But we did get some cuddles during the wee hours of the night in the recliner chair.

 {I should have known something was up when he fell asleep on our walk the day before...that NEVER happens}

We spent all weekend at home, wiping snot and walking around with a baby clinging to our legs. I'm incredibly thankful that he is back to sleeping and hoping this cold goes away quickly. Welcome cold and flu season! Ugh....I was SO happy that he finally decided to sleep that I took several pictures. But don't be fooled, these were the first times that he slept in two days.

{On the way to the Drs office}

 {Exhausted}

And, in my efforts to not give my child anything but the best opportunities for learning, Cohen did some sensory activities last week. Do you ever feel like Pinterest has made you feel like a failure of a parent for not constantly doing awesome crafts and providing ever changing sensory learning opportunties for your child? I do. Anyway, I was trying to get some stuff done in the kitchen so Cohen sat in his chair and learned about different types of pasta. It was the best I could do! And by the way, this idea is totally going on pinterest :)

{Does he look smarter yet??}

 {Then we moved to flour...it bought me like half an hour!!}