I read a few other baby loss blogs of people who are in various stages of their grief. I think it's good for me to look back and see that the things that I went/go through are normal. There are things I read from other people and I sit and nod my head and remember how I had so many of those exact feelings. The deep sorrow, the questions, the "what ifs". I so badly want to take the people who are in that place and just give them a huge hug and remind them that they will make it through. I wish I could take their pain away, but I think it's all part of the process of healing, to go through those hard places, whether we find answers or not.
I also read about people who are farther along in the process and I am encouraged that someday I can be there too. No two people's journeys will ever be exactly the same, but its nice to know that you aren't alone. Or crazy. Or at least not crazy beyond what is expected.
I am definitely in a different place than I was a year ago, or even 6 months ago. This grieving process is slow, and some days it's two steps forward and one (or 6) steps back. The fact that this hurt is still present reinforces to me how important Carter was, and is, to us. That slowly the wounds are healing. I never expect them to be gone and I do expect to have some scars. But I find hope in the fact that I'm not in the same place I was, that I am moving forward, and that it doesn't mean that I love my little boy any less.