More Processing

I'm sure you all have been waiting for the happy, flowers and rainbows post but this isn't going to be it. Sorry! I've been struggling quite a bit lately. I really do wish all was fine and dandy. But it's not yet. It seems that since we are finally out of survival/crisis mode, everything has kind of come crashing down on me. Everything we have been through in the last almost 9 months that we have had to mostly suppress because we just had.to.keep.going is now right in front of my face. And it's not fun.

We went from "your babies may not make it to viability", to "your babies are coming today", to " you lost one of your babies", to "you may lose your other baby". The constant stream of stress and emotion was just too much for me and for the most part, I shut down emotionally.

And now it has all caught up with me and it's really hard. People probably think that we are fine and that we have moved on by now. We haven't. And that makes it really hard because in the world's eyes, it's been 9 months and we still have a baby. The shock has worn off for others. But here I am, still feeling like it happened yesterday and I am in the midst of the storm. Some days I feel so alone. We are so, so thankful for all of the cards, calls, gifts, and prayers we received when the boys were born. Part of me feels like I didn't get to fully receive the support because we weren't physically able to receive hugs, meals, prayers etc. Usually when a child dies, that's it and you are at home to deal with it, to see the people you love, to get hugs, and to have people stop by your house. We were 2 hours away from home and while we felt the support around us, we weren't in the midst of it. If that makes sense. I think there is something healing in knowing that people are rallying around to help and support you in a crisis, but because of the circumstances we weren't able to fully immerse ourselves in the love and support of those around us. Again, that doesn't mean that we are ANY less thankful for everything everyone has done for us, we just wish we would have been able to really be present in those moments.

In a way, I feel like I separated myself from people in the time that I needed them the most. At the time, we were doing the only thing we could, which was to stay strong for Cohen. If I could go back and change it, take more of the help and support offered, I would have. At the time, we were doing what we could to stay strong for Cohen in the best way we knew how.

I read this in a book I am reading and I think it is so true. "The primary task of healing, therefore, is not to disconnect from each other and from life. When we disconnect we become overwhelmed and are at our lowest ebb. We can only deal with survival  - and sometimes not even that. When we are overwhelmed, it is difficult to think clearly or hear what is being said to us. We are lost and at the mercy of our environment. Healing, on the other hand, asks us to be present, conscious, and aware." (From Good Grief by Deborah Morris Coryell). I think in our efforts to survive we disconnected from many of the people who love and care for us. And now, when I feel like I am back in the midst of my grief, I sometimes feel so alone.

I just wanted to say thank you to those who connected with us, who were there for us even if we weren't all the way there. Thank you for caring about us. We needed you then and we still need you now. Thanks for hanging in there with me as I walk this unknown, painful, confusing journey. Thank you for keeping us in your prayers. I know God will continue to carry us through and I am holding onto that.