One Year After Loss

It's been a year since we lost Carter. I never thought I would make it a year without him, but we have. I think the things that I've learned over the year and the things that I would tell someone else going through this are:

You will make it through. Sometimes the pain seems so deep and so excruciating and you don't know how you could possibly make it another day. But you will. Soon the days will get a little easier and pass a little quicker. On the days you feel like you can't possibly make it another step, you can. Focus on the next 30 minutes if you need to, and once you make it through that, you can focus on the next hour. You will find strength you never knew you had and you will keep moving.

You will never get over it. And don't let anyone tell you that you will. You lost a child, not a puppy or a gerbil, your child. A hole in your heart that no one else can ever fill. You will move forward, but you will never forget about your child and move on.

Give yourself permission to feel what you feel. There have been many days when I have just had to let myself be. When I wanted to cry or laugh or not get out of bed, I just had to let myself do those things. I have to go through those emotions and feelings. I knew if I stuffed them down, it wouldn't help. I tried to just accept that people might judge me or stay away from me, but I had to be true to what I was feeling. This was my son and I needed to and deserved to feel these emotions and feelings for him. At the end of the day, the people who truly love you will still be there for you no matter what. 

Do what you need to do to get through the day. If you need to stay in bed and cry, do it. If you need to sit at your baby's grave all day, do it. If you need to go to the grocery store and buy flowers to take your baby, do it. If you need someone else to come over and watch your kids so you can do what you need to, call them. If you need a friend to come over and just sit with you, call and ask. There is no "right" way to grieve.

Most people don't mean to be insensitive or rude, they just don't know. I'm sure we've all heard the "He's in a better place", "God needed another angel" and the "You're young, you can have more kids" statements which generally hurt more than help. People want to help and sometimes say things that to them seem helpful, but really aren't. Just know that they probably mean well and they want you to feel better, they want to help ease some of your pain. If they say something you find offensive or insensitive, gently tell them. Suggest other things they could say or do to help. People who haven't been there won't get it, they can't. 

That lost, dazed and wandering feeling will get better. I remember the first time I went to the grocery store after the boys were born and I just felt so incredibly out of place. I wondered how everyone else's lives could keep going when mine had come to a screeching halt. Things will slowly start to feel more "normal" although it will be a different normal than before.

Ask for help and tell people what you need. Find people that you trust and ask for what you need. Things like loss show you who your true friends really are, the ones who tell you that you can call any time of day or night and mean it. Many people want to help they just don't know how. If you need space or if you need someone just to sit and be with you, or you want to show someone pictures of your baby, etc. Let people know what you need, your true friends will do anything they can to help.

I hope this can somehow encourage anyone else who is going through this. On the days it seems like there is no possible way that you can take one more step, you can. The days will be long and hard, but you will make it!

Anyone else have anything they would add?

Spectacle Lake - Hiking & Fishing

The men were in fish heaven. They would go out in the boat at least twice a day, even in the rain, and be out for hours fishing. I know Danny had really been looking forward to getting some good fishing time in and he got lots of it. They also caught a lot of fish. Almost every time they went out they would come back with a few more fish.

Cohen also got to go out for his first boat ride! He tried to convince Grampa to get him a fishing pole, but the pole is still bigger than he is so he decided to wait awhile.

On Monday, it was rainy but we decided to go for a hike. We were optimistic that the sun would come out, which it did, but not until we got home later in the afternoon. We drove through and out of Tonasket to a campground which was the start of our hike. It was a nice, easy 2 mile hike around Beaver Lake over to Beth Lake. The boys wanted to do some fishing but by that point it was pouring and we got chilly when we stopped moving. Cohen didn't want to miss out on any excitement and had been fighting sleep the whole car ride and the majority of the hike. Finally, he passed out and we had to scoop him out of the backpack.

 

{See the optimism in our shorts?}

{Too much fun}

Spectacle Lake

Friday morning we set off for Eastern WA bright and early. Cohen was a champ on the 5ish hour drive and we only had to stop a few times. The drive was beautiful and I even stayed awake for most of it, which is rare for me. I did nod off once only to have Danny wake me up and ask me where we were, to which I responded that I had been sleeping and had no clue.

We arrived to the lake and checked into our rooms. We had been to Spectacle Lake on vacation once when I was younger. As we pulled in it still looked pretty much exactly the same. We unloaded our stuff and pulled open to curtain and there was the lake. Such a perfect view right out our window.

Saturday morning we woke up to rain. Since we couldn't play on the lake we decided to go for a little hike.

On Sunday we woke up quite excited. A few years ago our good friends up and moved far, far away all the way to Wisconsin. They recently moved back to Idaho and so we made plans to meet up at the Grand Coulee Dam. More coming on that later. 

The men fully enjoyed the local fishing. Every morning and evening they would head off in the boat and stay out for a few hours. They caught a slew of fish and fried some up for a few meals and had plenty left for the freezer. Meanwhile, the women folk stayed inside planning the renovations to the Spectacle Lake resort while working on a puzzle.

 

 {First taste of fish}

 {Doing dishes, sweeping, and watching the baby...}

{While Gramma does crossword puzzles...}

 {And Danny drinks his morning coffee}

We had planned on staying until Wednesday, but by Tuesday we were growing weary of the rain and sad about the lack of sun we had been promised. It was getting hard to keep Cohen entertained in doors out of his regular habitat and he was growing restless. We decided to pack up and head home. Cohen was a champ on the ride home, he slept for most of it. Whenever he would start to fuss I would just hand another toy or piece of food over to him and he was happy again. 

We had a lot of fun, but I think Cohen was happy to be home. He crawled all around the house and would get a huge smile on his face whenever he found one of his toys.

 

Babies, Friends, & BBQs

Happy July! Whew, we've been busy.

Thursday Danny went golfing with his friend as part of his Father's Day present. I sent Cohen over to Karen's house so I could get some cleaning done. After 5 hours, I had only gotten through our 2 bathrooms and Cohen's room. The rest of the rooms will have to wait I guess. 

Friday was Danny's last day of vacation so we went to Seattle to see some of our friends. Richie and Rachael are visiting for the summer from Ohio and we were pretty excited to see them. We also got to see little Elliott. I got to snuggle him while he slept, I miss that age with Cohen. Minus the wires and machines. All these pictures are cell phone pictures because a) I forgot my camera and b) my camera is being held together with a piece of duct tape and only works when it wants to.

{Sweet & chubby little Elliott}

 {What is that?}

We went out to pizza dinner with our friends and Cohen entertained himself and others quite nicely.

 {Do I have something on my face?}

{Richie, Rachael, and baby Elliott}

Saturday we went to a neighborhood block party BBQ. Our neighborhood is growing quite rapidly and although I play bunco monthly with some of the gals, there are so many we don't still don't know. We also feel like we are a little behind since we were pretty much MIA last year. Our new firepit went for its maiden voyage and as soon as we lit the fire it started pouring. But we sat outside in our raincoats and watched the fire anyway. We got a fire pit last spring to enjoy over the summer but when we weren't home at all, it got relocated to Karen's house and it seems quite comfortable there so we got a new one.

Sunday we went to my parents for strawberry shortcake and some weed pulling. My parents have a garden and we get to eat out of it if we help. We also invested in a half a pig to raise at their house(the other half is my sister's), we love bacon!

This week isn't much slower. Therapy, 4th of July, work and probably more sun searching this weekend. Ah, summer is here.

Cohen's Room Tour

I realized that I don't think I've ever put up pictures of Cohen's room! The only pictures I have of his room are the ones we took the day he came home. We tried to get as much done as we could early on since we figured the twins would be early, we just didn't know how early they would be. By the time I went into the hospital, we had the room painted and the cribs set up and that's it.

After Carter died, we just didn't really have the heart to go into what was once our twins' room but would now only be Cohen's room. Most of this room was put together by my wonderful mom and sister. Once they found out Cohen was coming home, they went over and tried to finish it up a little and it was such a nice surprise! Most of the furniture is mismatched because we inherited it from various places. Our one splurge was the bedding that we got from P0ttery Barn Kids. I wanted the room to be calm and peaceful and I really like the way his room looks. Sorry I don't have better pictures, but these will have to do. I still want to get some pictures printed and framed for his room, but haven't quite gotten to it yet.

{The rocking chair in the corner}

This is probably one of my favorite little spots in Cohen's room. That picture on the left is a picture of Jesus holding a baby and I absolutely love it. It was given to me by my friend who also had a preemie. I like it because it makes me think of both of my boys. Carter who is being held in the arms of Jesus, and also how much the Lord has carried Cohen through. The Mariner bear was Carter's, we went to Build a Bear while I was pregnant and made a Mariner bear and a Seahawks bear for the boys. The little box with the two babies on top was a gift at my baby shower and I love that too.

{Little shelf by the changing table}

{This is in a frame on the shelf}

This shelf is on the other side by his rocking chair. A piggy bank, Danny's first home run ball in little league, Ken Griffey Jr baseball card, the little boxing gloves that hung in the NICU with Cohen, and Cohen's dinosaur room sign. 

 

{Cohen's friends waiting for him to finally come home}

 {He's finally here!}

 {Changing table}

{He loves those stars above his table, he would always stare at them while we changed his diaper}

{My brother made us this sign for Cohen's room and I love it}

Fess Up Friday

* We have to weed our yard


* You know those giant forks that come with your silverware set? I have used that giant serving fork to eat my dinner on more than one occasion when all the regular forks were dirty.

* After continually telling Danny it was okay to speed on the road to my parents house because I had "never seen a police car on that road in 20-something years", he got pulled over by the state patrol. There goes that theory. But seriously, I've never seen a police car on that road in all my days. Border patrol...constantly. Police, no. He didn't get a ticket so there's really no proof that he saw one either.

* We call our kiddie gate "the shin splitter"

* We make up stories about our cat...for example:  
Danny: "What if we saw Russell out riding a bike?"
Jana: "That's ridiculous, where would Russell get a bike?"
Danny: "What do you think Russell is out doing right now?"
Jana: He's probably out playing hopscotch with his friends 

* I like watching documentaries 

* Cohen gets to have "naked baby time" at home. While on vacation we let him have some nakey time and he proceeded to not only pee on the floor but also poop. Twice.  

Really Random

This post is incredibly random and none of these things have to do with each other, just some things I've been thinking about.

I have the book "Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?" book sitting on my bookshelf and every time I see it I just want to throw it out the window. I'm not really sure why. It just irritates me.

For some reason I just haven't been able to let go of not being able to thank all of the people who have done so much for us over the last year. I just feel like it's unfinished business even thought there's no way I could ever track everyone down and thank them but it's still driving me nuts.

Cohen has some pretty good scars on his back from his skin infection. I know that a lot of preemie moms are proud of their baby's scars, but Cohen's make me a little bit sad. Around the age of 4 or 5, parts of my skin started to lose their color. Eventually, I was diagnosed with vitiligo. It's an autoimmune skin disease where your body attacks the pigment (what makes your skin color) cells in your body. I had large white patches of skin on my legs, elbows, and belly. People would constantly stare at my legs and ask what happened, if I'd been burned, or if I'd been painting (it really did look like I had just knelt in white paint). Anyway, I got made fun of and stared at a lot and got called things like "cow girl" and other mean things. I survived and I'm fine, but I just don't like the thought of Cohen getting made fun of for something he had no control over and could have cost him his life.


Lastly, I don't know when my tiny baby turned into a not so little baby. Some days I look at him and he just looks so grown up and I can't believe it. We are just smitten with this little boy (if you haven't noticed) and sometimes I just can't believe how much I really love him.

Ok, one more thing. Our microwave is broken and I think it's pretty safe to say that we have no clue how to fix it (or even what's wrong). Maybe we could just do without? The shelf space would be kind of nice...