It's been a few months (um, since before Ezra was born?) that we have gone to Carter's grave as a family. I've gone by myself but we've never taken Ezra and it's been awhile since Cohen has gone. The reason?
I'm too scared.
We are entering a new phase on this journey. Cohen is becoming more aware. He's talking more. We are reaching a point where we are going to have to start explaining more. Of course we've been talking to him about Carter since day one, but I've been avoiding it a bit lately. We don't expect him to understand most of it right now, but someday he will.
Did I mention I'm a bit scared?
I'm scared to hear Cohen say Carter's name now that he's talking. I don't want to have to tell my son about his brother that died. I wish he could just know his brother because he was alive. Playing with him. Sleeping in bed with him. Fighting over toys with him.
I didn't exactly picture my boys being "together" at a grave site. I didn't expect to be raising a twinless twin.
Being a parent is hard. Being a parent of a child we don't get to raise
or have a life with feels even harder. I am still trying to figure out
how we acknowledge Carter as part of our family and remember him all
while missing him terribly.
I want to be able to smile and laugh when I talk about Carter, and maybe some days I will be able to, but I think there will be a fair amount of tears too. I only have a few memories of Carter, and not all of them are ones that I would want to share. I want to be real, but I don't want to put my grief and sadness on Cohen. I want him to know it's okay to be sad his brother isn't here, but that there are a lot of good things that have come because of Carter's life. I want him to know that of course we would rather have Carter here, but that Carter has made lots of good things happen in our lives.