Wednesday, December 4, 2013

It's Not Fair

Nope, it's not fair. Burying a child is totally, completely unfair. Whether you've lost a child or not, I think we can all agree on that. The thing is, we could all find something about our lives that isn't fair. I'm not sure life was meant to be fair.

While I have many days where I want to kick and scream and throw a 2 year old tantrum about the unfairness of it all (and some days I do), I just can't live there. This is a hard journey, and dwelling on things I can't change does me no good. You know what I mean? Some people don't even want their kids and I would give up a whole lot to have mine. Some people don't know how lucky they are. Some people smoke and drink throughout their pregnancy and get to keep their babies. There are a lot of these types of things that I could focus on, but I can't. Getting stuck in all of those thoughts makes me dig a deep, deep hole that I want to lay down in and not get out of.

It's a daily battle, it's not easy, and I am far from perfect. But, I know that it's not good for me, my relationship with Danny, or my boys. Everyone faces hardships in their lives and I truly believe that it is what we make of it. I can stomp my feet and get angry, and then continue living my life to the best of my ability.

People tell me that I do such wonderful things through Teeny Tears, NICU Care Packages and a few other projects. Truthfully? I do them for selfish reasons. It makes me feel good. I do it for Carter and for myself. Having my son die was one of the worst things I have been through in my life. The pain is often indescribable. If I let myself get idle, I find that I begin to go to "the dark place" where I wallow and pout about the unfairness of it all. And no, it's not fair. And yes, there is a place for being upset. But long term, I have to do something with it all. Sometimes I take on a few too many projects, but I need my grief and Carter's life to be for something. And so I bury myself in projects, get involved with causes, to try and keep myself moving and to hopefully make this world a little bit better for someone else going through a hard time.

This is not meant to be a "holier than thou" or "toot my own horn" type of post. I have hesitated to post this, but I do want people to know that even in those very dark places, there are ways out. My way out has been helping other people.  Everyone is at a different stage in their journey and I definitely didn't come to this place immediately. It's taken me a long time, I'm still not all the way there, and not sure I ever will be and I'm okay with that. Losing a child is still unfair. But I just have to keep asking myself how I want to handle it and how I want to make Carter's life meaningful.

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