Thursday, September 12, 2013

Finding Purpose Part 2

I've been feeling a little restless lately. Like I need something more to do with my life. Not to be more busy, but to have more purpose. Being a parent gives me great purpose and it is definitely the most important thing in my life, along with being a wife. But I need more purpose in being a person. Some time ago, I wrote about finding purpose in giving back and making diapers, which I don't think I will ever stop doing, but now I'm ready to go a little farther.

I have a job that is a good enough job. I don't mind the work, I like my coworkers, and I have the schedule that I want. But sometimes it doesn't seem like enough. We only get one chance at life, so why not do what we can make a difference, right?

Having and losing Carter has opened my eyes to a whole new world. The world of angel babies and grieving parents and all the things that surround it. My first glimpse of the gaps in bereavement care came from personal experience. I was shocked when a healthcare worker explained in completely insensitive terms that she would be "putting my baby in the refrigerator". I honestly can't remember if it was this same person or yet another healthcare worker who also kindly explained to me that I would need to let them know if I wanted to hold Carter again so they could "warm him back up". I kid you not. This is not to rag on healthcare workers of any kind, but rather to point out that there is a lack of education, awareness, and empathy surrounding miscarriage and infant loss.

I have heard from multiple parents who have lost babies to miscarriage and so many of them have expressed how they wish they would have gotten some kind of resources or some kind of something to acknowledge their baby and their loss. I think we (I'm including myself here as well) can get so used to things that become routine to us, but are far from routine for someone who is experiencing it for the first time. At my postpartum checkup, I asked our OB office if they had any kind of resource available to parents experiencing a miscarriage. The response was that they "used to have something but they weren't sure where it was".

It continually surprises me how resistant people are to providing care and support for people facing loss. I truly think it as issue of a lack of awareness and understanding. Even when facilities are offered something free (cost is always a huge stumbling block in healthcare) that would greatly benefit their patients, there is still resistance. I fully understand that every patient may not want resources, we all grieve and process differently. But I want it to at least be an option to have the support.

I have decided that when I grow up, I want to be an advocate or liaison between parents facing loss and the healthcare system. Whether that is helping to educate healthcare workers, pushing to get more resources into OB offices and the hospitals, sitting with a parent who has just found out they have lost their child, or maybe even being a bereavement doula. I am working on figuring out the path to take to where I want to end up. It breaks my heart to know that parents are facing loss alone and often aren't being fully supported by the ones that are often in the front lines and should be offering support. I'm hoping I can find a place where I fit in and honor Carter in bringing more support to the bereavement community.


11 comments:

  1. Great purpose! There is definitely a need and I'm so glad you are wanting to fill it! Good luck!

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  2. Jana I love you! You are so awesome...."when I grow up:)" anyway, i think that is so wonderful that you are feeling led to do that. I can't believe there isn't more available to grieving parents:( you are amazing.

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  3. Thank you for sharing your purpose with us. This is such an important role. You will help make a difference. When I had a miscarriage and needed to have a DNC because the baby would not come out, the nurse explained the procedure to me as "they will put your legs up in the stir-ups... like you're having a baby." It was the most insensitive thing to say because I was NOT having a baby!! But on the plus side, the hospital did send a nice pin and memorial card (although they were both very outdated).

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    1. I'm sorry for your loss and that that was said to you :(

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  5. Here in Kitsap County there is a chapter of an awesome support group called MEND (Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death). The leader spoke at our MOPS group and was amazing, talking about how God has redeemed her tragedy in her ability to come alongside other mommies. And our little foster-girl's adoptive mom is a leader of the group too. If you would like me to put you in touch with them, let me know. Maybe you could come visit the group? They meet once a month.

    Just planting seeds...maybe a group like this one is needed in Whatcom County? And could give you the "purpose" you're seeking.

    http://www.mend.org/

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  6. First I have to say that I think you already do a wonderful job! The diapers you make are a priceless gift and your blog is encouraging and inspiring. You are real and honest in your feelings yet give hope of healing. I think God dose have bigger plans for you because your heart is so loving in wanting to help. I will say a prayer that all the right doors open to you and your purpose and you find the perfect place to give back even more. I hope in the future I also will be able to do more. I know the desire is in my heart just not the right time in my life:) You are a blessing to the babyloss community!!

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  7. That sounds like a wonderful plan. I sat in shock reading what the healthcare worker told you. I really have a hard time grasping how she would not know how horrible that was to say. And, to the one who commented about having the DNC, that is also absolutely unbelievable. I have not experienced a loss, and my heart goes out to all of you moms who have.

    I wanted to add that nurses/healthcare workers should have some training in how to talk to parents. I once had a NICU nurse tell me that Camdyn was finally starting to look like a "real baby instead of a fetus". She was a "real baby" to me from the moment she was born - all 1 lb. 2 oz. of her! I don't think they are aware of how they sound sometimes.

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    1. Michelle, yes! Training/education for healthcare workers is definitely one of the areas I think there is a huge need. I am actually working with the hospital our boys were born at for one of their staff trainings regarding loss of a baby in the NICU. One of the things we talked about was what to say/what not to say!

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  8. For something extra to think about, I think most people don't realize what an incredible ministry opportunity grief care is. I was involved with this group years ago: http://www.copingcentre.com/about_us.htm . They offered an initial program that is just focused on walking with people through their grief, and then an optional follow-up that focuses on the spiritual aspects of grief. Most people who completed the first course went on to the second, and an astounding percentage of people who started the second program as unbelievers found Christ through the program. What better time to tell people about God than when they so desperately need God's love & comfort and when they're so hungry for knowledge about life after death?

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