Fess Up Friday

I have really been taking advantage of the pregnancy brain/mommy brain excuse this week.

I recently left groceries in the trunk of my car and forgot about them for three days.


I forgot about Cohen's 18 month well check appointment until about 10 minutes after he fell asleep for nap and we had to be there in half an hour.

I got Cohen new sippy cups that he refused to drink out of, or even look at. This morning I drank out of one to try and get him to use them.

My car is full of NICU Care Packages that I can't bring inside because I have nowhere to put them!

I am refusing to get out of my pajamas or go anywhere today.

I changed Cohen's diaper this morning and just realized that I never put another one on.

I am greatly missing this little boy. I worked all day yesterday, while Cohen stayed home with Daddy, and then had to pick up a few things for care packages. Today I am off running more errands and he is playing with his wonderful Auntie Karen (who took these pictures).

It sounds weird, but after seeing him for only a few minutes yesterday and this morning, I just miss him. There's no babbling, or pulling on my leg begging for my cereal. No mysterious noises that I have to run find out what he is into. He is my little love. Here's hoping this weekend we can have some nice, quiet time at home and maybe even decorate for Christmas!!

I Hope...

As I said in a previous post, I struggle with finding the balance with this pregnancy. I go back and forth between deciding to not plan anything or let myself "go there" and get excited and wanting to celebrate this pregnancy and all the little milestones that come with it. Hopefully, I can settle somewhere I am comfortable with. I decided to make a list of things that I am hoping for and looking forward to during this pregnancy.

I hope to see the elusive third trimester.

I want to wear maternity clothes instead of hospital gowns.

I hope to not be on bedrest, although of course I would do it in a heartbeat if needed.

I want to have a baby shower before I have a baby (although I know you don't usually have one with a second baby :)

I hope to have room to eat things past 23 weeks.

I hope to make it far enough to join the other pregnant moms and do things like take a birthing class or take a hospital tour, you know, just to say I did it.

I love my doctors, but I hope to not have weekly appointments with them.

I hope I don't have to hear the words "Let me go get the doctor" during an ultrasound, "your babies aren't viable", or "there's nothing more we can do"

I want to enjoy all the little kicks and movements.

I hope the only time I have to be hooked up to a monitor is to have the baby.

I hope to get weird cravings.

I hope to do some nesting.

I hope to have a baby that doesn't need life saving measures.

I hope to have a baby that I get to bring home.

Outside Adventure

The sun has been out the last few days so we have been bundling up and trying to get outside. Cohen loves to walk around with his little walker toy. He insists on walking straight to the other side of the street. Thankfully, we live on a pretty quiet road. Cohen doesn't seem to mind the cold and cries when I take him inside. Poor boy, he was meant for adventure and he just doesn't get it inside. I love this boy more and more every day.

In other news, I have been feeling a little better the last few days. I don't want to jinx it, but I think maybe I am on the upswing of the nausea front. It's pretty good timing as I don't think I can look at one more bottle of Sprite or eat any more candy. I still have my moments but nothing like the all day nausea I was having before.

We are still in full project mode, but I'm hoping maybe next week we will be able to do some decorating for Christmas. Although, yesterday Cohen and I were sitting at the table sharing a bowl of soup, listening to Christmas music and he started dancing and then looked at me with this huge smile. That little moment reminded me that it doesn't matter if our house isn't decorated or we don't have everything ready, I get to be with my boy and that's what matters. I'm not sure if we will have a tree or not because I can only imagine what the little Mister will do to it. Any tips or suggestions as to Christmas trees and toddlers are welcomed!

Care Package Update

We have a few very busy weeks ahead of us, as I'm sure you all do too. This week is the last week to help out with NICU Care Packages!! We are assembling the care packages this Thursday at our church. I also have a few birthdays coming up that I need to finish up gifts for. Cohen needs to go in for a few of his immunizations and next week I have an appointment with our OB (a different one, don't worry!). Oh and we will deliver the care packages to Seattle. Somewhere in there we should probably decorate for Christmas too.

We are also neck deep in diapers. We are currently working on diapers to send to New York, California, and Alaska! We will be attempting to send out nearly 700 diapers before Christmas so that the babies can have diapers for Christmas. Of course we would rather no one need them, but those little babies bums will be covered for Christmas. A HUGE thank you to my mom who has been sewing tirelessly to help me get these all done!! She has been sewing like a madwoman to make sure these babies will have diapers. In case you are wondering what this many diapers and care packages does to a house (although thankfully the majority of care package stuff is at my mom's house!)...

{Literally hundreds of diapers in various stages and donated mommy "scent" blankets for care packages}

{Nearly 400 diapers ready for their journey to California}

First, though, we will finish up care packages. This is the last week if you want to donate!!

As with last year, I am continually amazed at the generosity of others. We have nearly everything we need. There is still a need for small notebooks/journals, new baby blankets, Vitamin C drops, and $5 Starbucks gift cards!

We are also still in need of some preemie or newborn baby girl clothes, or baby basics like shampoo, diapers etc. to put in the gift bags for families in need. I am really excited about these as well, I think we will have enough things for about 5-6 bags.

We are very excited to be putting these care packages together soon and delivering them shortly after that.

There are a few items remaining on our Wish List, or if you are local you can let me know if you want to arrange a pick up/drop off. Some of you have also asked about donating monetarily or in gift cards so that we can get whatever is left on our list and this is wonderful as well!

This project has been so wonderful for me both last year and this year. I challenge you all to find some way to give back. You won't regret it, I promise. It's so easy to get wrapped up in the holiday season and spending and buying things we don't really need for people who probably don't need them. There are SO many great causes out there that I'm sure you could find something to fit your interests. Find something you are passionate about and maybe consider giving up one or two gifts to help out someone else.

NILMDTS
Project Sweet Peas (there are lots of chapters around the US)
Teeny Tears

Thanksgiving 2012

We were having some minor technical difficulties on the blog, but I think we've figured them out for now. 

We made it through Turkey day. We spent Thanksgiving Day with my parents and two of my brothers, the smallest Thanksgiving table we've had in a long time! I wasn't feeling that great in the morning so Danny took Cohen over to my parents to watch football with the boys and I took a nap. When I woke up I wandered over to their house to have some appetizers. Since my mom and I were the only girls, we left the men to watching football and we worked on diapers. We top stitched, pinned, and tied together over 85 sets of diapers.

{Cutest little turkey handprints}

{Sprite & Diapers, what else!?}

{Such sweet brothers}

Cohen was worn out and took a very long nap that I finally had to wake him up from. He was up just in time for dinner! He wasn't terribly interested in any of the food besides the stuffing and the pie, but he loved his leftovers the next day.

{Mmm, Mmm}

Friday, we skipped Black Friday shopping and went down to Seattle to see the Danny's parents. His brother, sister in law and nephew were also there and they got to meet Cohen for the first time so that was fun. Cohen had a good time playing with his cousin and getting into everything. We had another delicious dinner, this time Cohen devoured everything, and then got to visit for a little while. Cohen started to fall apart so we decided to head home. Cohen gets an award for best little traveler, he slept all the way there and back.

We had a busy but relaxing few days. I'm thankful that this years the holidays seem to be a little bit easier so far. We came home from Danny's parents and I just went straight to the couch. I informed Danny I was going to bed and he said I couldn't because Cohen wasn't even in bed yet. After Cohen went to bed and it was acceptable for me to go to, I did, at 7:30 pm. Eating turkey and growing a baby is hard work!

The Balance

Although this is my second pregnancy, in some ways, it feels like my first. My first pregnancy was unusual from the start, with it being a twin pregnancy and all. I'm sure there were things that happened during it that were normal, but I don't remember them. And the twins were my first pregnancy so I dont have anything to compare to other than that. In a way, I feel clueless. Like I don't know what is normal for a pregnancy. I was so used to being not normal that I'm not sure how to be a semi-normal pregnant person.

I'm trying to embrace this pregnancy as much as I can. I'm trying to let myself enjoy the little things. Although, sometimes I see things like a pregnancy journal that says "Your guide to a happy, healthy pregnancy" and I scoff. As if having the secrets to the perfect pregnancy were in a book. I've already learned that those kind of books and I don't get along. My pregnancy didn't come out of any sort of book, except maybe a textbook about all the kinds of things that could go wrong.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to my old naive self, before I knew so much about...life. But, if I traded our experiences in, I wouldn't have had my boys and I wouldn't trade them for anything. These experiences will go with me and they will affect the way I feel and think. I know it's going to be a balance between what is our reality and also allowing ourselves to hope again.

An Episode of Cohen

Here's a cute little video for your Monday. I have turned into one of those parents who thinks everything their kid does is incredibly adorable. I can't get enough of this little man and his cuteness. He has started signing "more" and "milk" after months and months and months of trying. He also says "yay!" about everything and claps his hands. And even though he hasn't seen very many football games because we don't have tv, we still taught him to do the "touchdown" move. It's been amazing to watch him grow and really start to understand more things these last couple weeks. Alright, seriously though, isn't he cute!?

Worth The Wait

 When parents find out they are expecting a new baby, the wait begins. The days pass slowly at first as they dream about their new son or daughter and how their lives will change. Towards the end, there is an eagerness for baby to hurry up and be born. For a preemie parent, things are a little different.

As a preemie parent we did lots of waiting, too. Although not the kind of waiting with hopeful anticipation. Instead of waiting and praying for labor to come and have it be time to go to the hospital to have a baby, we waited and prayed that our babies would stay in just one more day, one more week, and maybe even one more month. Instead of hope for the future, we faced fear over frightening statistics of babies born early. While some worried that their babies would be too big to fit in their newborn clothes, we worried whether our babies would be big enough to take on the challenges of extreme prematurity.
 
As NICU parents, we spent hours and hours sitting by our little ones sides. Waiting for change. Waiting for progress. Those first days were spent staring at the clock on the wall, watching the minutes pass and praying that for that moment, nothing would go wrong. I kept my cell phone with me constantly when I was at the hospital, always turned to the highest volume. I waited for my phone to ring, praying it wouldn't as it nearly always meant bad news. We waited to see our baby without tubes, wires, and tape. We waited days and sometimes weeks for that first chance to hold our son. While other new parents waited for the next feeding or diaper change, we waited for the next blood draw, procedure, or diagnosis.

{Tiny footprints}

{Holding Cohen for the first time at 11 days old}

The days eventually stretched into months and the waiting continued. Waiting to be able to feed our baby a bottle. Waiting to be able to put clothes on him. Waiting to hear what the next problem was going to be. Waiting for the day he would be able to come out of the isolette. Eventually though, the fearful waiting turned into joyful waiting. There was a light at the end of the long, long tunnel. We had waited 130 days to hear the okay to take Cohen home.

{Going home}

The waiting was hard, and painful at times, but in the end it was so worth it. Maybe now, thanks to all that waiting, we have a little more understanding, faith, and appreciation for the little things. Now, we are able to look back and see all that we have been through and look forward with anticipation as to what the future will hold for our little miracle boy.

A Few Things

Thank you for all your kind and thoughtful comments about the pregnancy. nausea and about our first appointment. I have been trying a slew of things for my nausea and I while nothing gets rid of it, I've found a few things that make it more tolerable. Thanks for all the tips!!

While it was disheartening to have a less than stellar first appointment, I am not too worried because I know I have other doctors who have supported us in our last pregnancy and have already been very encouraging to us. I learned my lesson and will stick to seeing the doctors that I know are willing to help us in the ways that we need. Don't worry too much about me, I am confident in our other doctors and I also know how to make sure we are getting the things that we feel like we need. In this particular situation, with this doctor, I didn't feel like it was worth my energy trying to explain to her or try and make her "get it" because I think she had already made up her mind about it. I also knew that I had the option to not see her again and I was comfortable with that.

Also, we have received several packages in the mail for our NICU Care Packages. Many of them are "anonymous" and don't have any indication who they are from. I would love to be able to thank those of you who have sent things, we greatly appreciate it! If you want to remain anonymous that's okay, please consider yourself thanked! Otherwise I would love to know who you are if you have sent us a package over the last few weeks.

Also, we are making great progress with our care packages! We had a good start as we asked for guests at Cohen's birthday party to bring donations so that gave us a great foundation. Time seems to be going by so quickly and we are already starting to think about assembling the packages soon. We are still in need of a few things if you are still interested in donating. You can visit our Amazon wish list and have things shipped directly to us (and include your name if you would :) We are still in need of: hot chocolate, $5 Starbucks gift cards, new blankets (hand made or store bought), small baby toys such as teethers (new) and small notebooks or journals.

I missed my last Bible study today. I looked up and it was 9:15 and it starts at 9:30, whoops. My wonderful sister still agreed to have Cohen over to play for a bit so I could get a few things done...take a shower, clip my toenails, and mail off some diapers! 

The First Appointment

"Let's not turn this pregnancy into something it's not"

These were the words the OB told me at my first visit. My appointment was scheduled with a doctor that was new(er) to the practice and I hadn't seen during my last pregnancy. The office had already changed my appointment and I wanted it on a day Danny could come and we didn't want to push it back anymore. I decided to just go with it since I had heard good things about this doctor.


The doctor was nice enough, but I realized how important it is going to be for me to have doctors that I know support me and understand where I am coming from. As the doctor asked me if both of my boys were doing well, I realized maybe she didn't look as closely at my chart as she should have. Through tears, I gave her the very brief version of our story. I understand not knowing every detail of my 2 inch thick chart, but the fact that one of my babies died is kind of an important thing to know.

Then, when I asked what the plan for pregnancy would look like, I got the speech about not turning the pregnancy into something it's not. I didn't ask for daily appointments or my own personal ultrasound machine at home, I just wanted to know what to expect. Honestly, I don't even know how often normal people go to the doctor. I haven't had a normal pregnancy. All I know is what I've experienced. And I don't feel like that was understood or acknowledged. I felt like I was judged and dubbed that patient by someone who had just met me. I'm also probably just being a little sensitive, but this was much different than the "we will do what we need to to get you through this" that I have heard from my other doctors who had been with me through the boys' pregnancy.

I have no intentions of being completely overbearing during this pregnancy, but I am going to need reassurance and support. My only pregnancy was one of fear and unknowns and filled with appointments and tests. It felt like everything that could have gone wrong, did. I wish I could make all of the bad feelings and experiences from the last pregnancy go away and start over with a clean slate, but that is impossible. I am thankful that we have other doctors that I know I can go to and not be made to feel this way. This was a good reminder that we need those that are going to acknowledge and respect what we've been through.

Rainbow Baby

One of the terms used in the baby loss community is "rainbow baby". It refers to a pregnancy/baby after the loss of a child. Here is the common definition: 

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

I like this definition because it takes into account what we have been through and that it just doesn't go away. It means something new and beautiful is coming and the beauty comes from the storm. If we hadn't walked through this storm, we may not know what a gift our boys, and this new baby, truly are. 

Questions, Questions...

Because I know you all are curious....

How far along are you?

 9 weeks. Our due date is June 17, yes, a week and a half after the boys birthday.   

Why are you telling people so early?

We told people about the twins at 9 weeks and this is about the same time. This time around, we know we are going to need the support, no matter what happens. We also know that even if we make it past the first trimester, it still doesn't guarantee we are "safe", we know there isn't a 100% guarantee we will bring a baby home even if we do make it to full term. We can use all of the prayers and thoughts we can get for an uneventful pregnancy and for our sanity. Also, when you are throwing up in parking lots of small towns, you run out of explanations quickly.

Are you sure there's only one baby?

YES. Believe me, I made them check several times.  

How are you feeling?

Physically - Starting the day I hit 6 weeks, I have been completely nauseated for about 80% of the day. It's miserable and hard but I keep trying to convince myself that it's okay because it's reassuring that I have symptoms. I have a small list of things that I can eat...hard candy, Sun Chips, Sprite, apples, vegetables, potatoes, salad, bread and cheese and crackers. I am very sensitive to smells and anything that involves cooking, or even looking at food on pinterest, generally makes me feel quite sick. Thankfully, I spend most of my time just feeling sick and not acting on it.

Mentally - Scared and hopeful. Cautiously optimistic. I have days where I feel really hopeful and days where I find myself thinking "what have we done...I can't do this again". I think it's all to be expected and I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. I actually think I will be less anxious in the beginning part of the pregnancy and more worried when we get to the point where we really started having problems with the boys, around 18 weeks. I will probably be holding my breath until we get past the 25 week mark. I'm sure there is much more coming on this topic.


Was this an accident?

No, it was planned. We have talked with our local OBs as well as our perinatologist down in Seattle before we even thought about getting pregnant to see what another pregnancy would look like for us. Our drs have all been wonderful so far in supporting us.

Are you crazy?

 Probably. It does sound a little bit like that to think that this is our THIRD baby in 2 years :)  

Are you going to find out if it's a boy or a girl?

Yes. I've always thought it would be fun to not find out until delivery, but now I'm not so sure, I don't think I can handle surprises. I already have my suspicions about what it is, I'll let you know if I'm right! 

Are you at high risk for having another preemie?

Our doctors are optimistic that we have a good chance at having a "normal" pregnancy. Most of the complications we had were related to the fact that we had a twin pregnancy, although I did have preterm labor. We will be watched closely (mostly for my sanity) and will be seeing our local OB as well as our doctor in Seattle. We are hoping for a boring, routine, contraction-free, bedrest free, hospital free (before delivery) pregnancy.

We would love and appreciate any prayers as this is going to be a long road. We've walked long roads before though, and we know we can do it thanks to the support of our family and friends. We also trust that God has a plan for this baby, just like he did with the boys. We would love prayers for:

- Our peace of mind
- A healthy baby
- No contractions/preterm labor
- That I am able to enjoy this pregnancy without too much worrying and that it will be boringly normal
- That we can trust in God's plan for our family

We appreciate all of your love and support so much! 

Big Brother

It's official....this little fellow is going to be a big brother (again)!!! Stop back by on Monday for the answers to some of the questions we have already been asked frequently including the due date, how we are handling the pregnancy, and more. Please keep our little family in your prayers. As you can imagine, this is an exciting and nervewracking time.

Ch-Ch-Changes

We've changed up the blog a little. Can you see what's different?? :)

Tell the World

I missed a few of the last days of the "Capture Your Grief" series and will attempt to finish them soon. I'm going a little out of order, but here is Day 30 - Tell the World

Day 30. Your Grief – Tell The World What do you want the world to know about this road you are travelling?  Do you just want your baby’s name to be spoken? Do you want others to know they are not alone? Whatever it is, write it down on a piece of paper and hold it up for the world to see! (We will be making a video clip of these images from this particular day!)

I have written about many different aspects of grief on the blog -- the value of a baby even if they aren't here on earth, things we want to hear, things we don't want to hear, how you can support us, and how much all of this has taught us. If I could sum everything up about a grief journey, I think it would be these 2 things:

We have no right to judge anyone's path if we haven't been in that place ourselves. And even then, no two people's journeys are exactly alike. You think you know what you would do in a particular situation, but the truth is, until you find yourself there, you have no idea. Please don't judge anyone's grief journey. Be there to love and support and encourage. 
 

This applies to all of life. Sometimes we can be so quick to judge someone's behavior or attitude, but the truth is, you don't know what's going on in their life. That snippy person in line at the grocery store may be dealing with a life threatening illness of a loved one. That woman that bumped into you and didn't seem to pay attention may be trying to process the loss of her child and where she fits in in the world. Just keep in mind that there are often things going on that we don't put out in the open. There were days I wish I just had a sign above my head explaining all my seemingly strange behaviors. I wanted people to understand that my world had been completely turned upside down and the world I thought I knew how to live in, didn't make any sense anymore. This is a good reminder to me as well. Sometimes I get so caught up in my own business that I think surely no one can be going through something as hard as me. The truth is, there are. In the end, everyone deserves kindness and a little understanding.

Family Photos

The Kimmel Family from Merrilee Dilley on Vimeo.

In case you need something to distract you from politics for awhile, here's a cute video of our family photos!! For the last few years, Merrilee D. Photography has offered a "Giving Back" photo session and we won a free photo shoot and canvas. Thank you Merrilee, we love our photos!! And thank you to all our family and friends for giving us this opportunity.

Here Comes a Fighter

As Cohen gets older, his personality is coming out more and more. I already have "The Strong-Willed Child" in my possession waiting to be read. I'm not sure I can put it off too much longer.

While Cohen definitely has a stubborn streak and wants things his way in his time, I don't mind it that much. I'm sure it will be challenging, but that isn't anything new for us. After all, Cohen was born fighting. He was born struggling and finding ways to make things work his own way in his own time. Babies born at 25 weeks are given a 50% chance of survival. Every time we just weren't sure, he would pull through. Everything something "unheard of" would come up, we would just nod our heads, not terribly surprised.

 I think any preemie parent will tell you that preemies are fighters and they overcome impossible odds. It's what they were born doing and continue to do. It's no wonder they are opinionated, strong willed, and determined. These traits have already gotten Cohen far and will continue to allow Cohen to do great things. We know we may have a few more challenges on our hands, but after what we've already been through, what's a few more!? It's worth it.

 This song is quite different from the ones I usually post, and I apologize if it's offensive to any of you, but I love it. This is Cohen and his NICU buddy Eli's song. It makes me smile every time. They, and all preemies, are truly fighters. 

Yep, born at 25 weeks, and "extremely low birthweight" and "extremely premature", given a 50% chance of survival. This one's a fighter.

17 Months

Cohen is 17 months old (13 months adjusted) and growing up way too fast!! He is at a really fun age right now. He is starting to understand more and interact more with us. I am happy to say that his sleeping has improved. We started to be more intentional with his bedtime routine and Danny and I both go in to put him to bed and it seems to have helped.

His favorite activities are:
- Putting things in and taking them out
- Clapping his hands to music
- EATING
- Bugging the cat
- Climbing
- Throwing
- Pushing his trucks around, putting Stinkers in the back of his truck and pushing him around (so cute)
- Holding our hands to walk. He still isn't walking independently, he makes us walk him around the house by getting one of our hands and then turning and around and getting ahold of the other one. We are trying to convince him it would be easier if he just walked himself, but he isn't so easily swayed. Always in his own time.

Is this not the sweetest little face? He is still as busy as ever and I am desperately searching Pinterest for ways to keep a 1 year old busy since we will mostly be inside all winter. Suggestions/ideas welcomed.

Diaper Party Success!

Our diaper party last night was a wonderful success. We are so thankful to have so many supportive friends and family members who help us out with our projects. We couldn't do it without all of you! Thank you to Kim for letting us use your house and having snacks, mom for making dinner, and Karen for taking pictures and of course everyone who came to help!

We had about 22 ladies come to help out. My mom and her friend hosted and made dinner for all of the guests. He had dinner and chatted and then got to work! We had the honor of making diapers for Carter and several of his friends.

This morning's count showed that we have 191 sets of diapers (382 individual diapers) completely finished, we have around 650 diapers that only need topstitching and around 300 more diapers cut out ready to be sewed. Awesome. That's all I can say.

We currently have in our possession diapers to help around 200 grieving families. I hate that there is such a great need, but glad that we can hopefully do something to ease some pain.

 We also are making wonderful progress on our care package donations! My sweet nephews and niece, as well as a few other families, went through all of their Halloween candy and brought over a big bag to donate. I continue to be humbled and amazed by all the support and generosity of those around us. I have been dubbed "the dreamer" among my diapering friends and sometimes I feel like I always have ideas that I want to do and that I am always asking somebody for something. But people continue to give and give and I can't thank you enough. As someone who has been there, please know that these families greatly appreciate all you have done for them and we appreciate all you have done for us. 

Fess Up Friday

Finally got around to doing a Fess Up Friday!! 

I put Cohen in the back of his Tonka dump truck and drove him around the yard and he loved it.

As I was setting my alarm, I told Danny to let me go to sleep because I was only going to get 10 hours of sleep before I had to get up. 

Cohen messed up his shirt at breakfast but instead of trying to change the tornado, I just put a new shirt over his old one.

One night I texted Danny from bed and asked him to bring me cheese and crackers because I was too hungry to sleep.

When I get in the car after Danny's been driving, I can fully extend my legs and still not reach the gas pedal and for some reason, it makes me laugh every time.

One day in Target I was explaining to Danny how I needed new headbands because I had sucked my last good one up in the vacuum cleaner on accident. Then the man turned around and it wasn't Danny, but I'm sure he enjoyed my story. 

So there you have it! Have a great weekend. In case you missed Cohen's Halloween costume on facebook, here it is.

{2011- Santa Claus}

 {2012 - Puppy dog}