I have been struggling with a hard truth over the last few months and I'm still working on it. There are people that don't want to hear our story. It's too painful, it will never happen to them, we didn't try hard enough are the usual reasons. No one has said this to me directly, mind you, but it's been implied. Stories like ours hard difficult to hear, I get that.
I think that's why preemie moms and baby loss moms tend to stick together. We view life differently because we have experienced, or been very close to experiencing, death. People who haven't experienced death or deep sorrow generally can't imagine that something like this would happen to them and we must have done something wrong. Death isn't something people want to talk about, especially when it concerns children. And why would anyone? It's terrible and heartbreaking and it isn't supposed to happen. Parents aren't supposed to outlive their children.
At first I was somewhat offended at the fact that all the happy pregnant people didn't want to hear a not so perfect birth story. But then I realized, why would someone want to hear about all the things that could possibly go wrong or about losing their child. I recently saw someone tell another mom that twin pregnancies were no higher risk than a normal pregnancy. I debated yelling and screaming and telling them everything we went through, but what good would that do? Do I really want to rain on someone else's parade and excitement of having twins? I don't want to be negative, I don't. It's just that our reality is that things went poorly and we are still dealing with it. Sometimes the case of the "it's not fair!"'s overcomes me and I feel like it's my duty to tell people that life isn't all rainbows and flowers. But what good would that do? I would love to go back to a place where I didn't think things this hard could ever happen to me. I wasn't completely naive, Danny and I have both been through a fair amount of "life", but life used to be different. And why would I want to take that away from someone else. Of course if there was a situation where I felt like maybe I could educate or help someone I would do that, but it's not my job to be a Debbie Downer or to ensure the world knows that bad things can happen to anyone. Sometimes its just hard to not have gotten to experience a happy birth and all the things that go with it.
As hard of days as I have, there is still good. This doesn't mean denying that we have hard times, because we do, but I think I need to work to focus on the good. I think my job and my way to honor Carter is to let people know that even though times can be so, so hard, they can also be so, so good and our lives are better because of Carter. I will never say that I'm glad we went through it or that I wouldn't change anything, because I would in a heartbeat, but I can say that out of the ashes comes beauty. Our birth story is painful, but out of it we got two beautiful little boys, an incredible amount of love and support, and a new perspective on life and that's a story worth telling.
"But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law" Galatians 5:22-23
That is hard, Jana. When I was pregnant with Malachi, I didn't want to hear any negative stories because I was already so nervous. But this time around, I've accepted that whatever happens to me and my baby is (mostly) out of my hands. And I loved hearing your birth story, and would love to hear it again if ever you wanted to share it with me. I know for me, at least, it's nice to re-share what I went through sometimes. But I also know that our experiences were very different.
ReplyDeleteThis was such a sore spot for me for at least 2 years after Jack's birth. So I definitely hear you. It's very hard when people's lives go on. Some refuse to really, really get to know your story (for whatever reason) and then you will find those true friends who want to hear your story and to KNOW your story.
ReplyDeleteI find myself going through phases of wanting/not wanting to tell our birth story. At first, I didn't want to talk about it to anyone. Then, I was in the mode of telling perfect strangers the entire story at the slightest chance of sharing because I wanted everyone to know. Now, I'm back to a place of not wanting to tell the whole story over and over. When people ask me how old my 2 yr old is who weighs 22 lbs and looks like a 1 year old, they look shocked when I say 2. They usually say, "She's so tiny" or something like that. Instead of saying, "Yeah well you should have seen her when she weighed a pound," I just say, "yes, she is". Maybe I'll move back into "shouting it from the mountaintop" mode again. Who knows? I think it's up to you and whatever stage you are in to share what you want and with whom you want at any time.
ReplyDeleteSo true...thank you for posting this! Love to you sweet mama!
ReplyDeleteloved this post, Jana.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way. I dread when someone asks about Zachary's birth. I feel like I'm lying if I don't include Parker, I feel like i'm letting him down, or forgetting about him. Which, I'd never do! But, sometimes I don't want to get into the entire story. Being that Parker's water broke, parker is the one who wanted out, Zachary wanted nothing to do with being born. When people ask, "why did you go into labor so early" not including parker is/was nearly impossible. Now, I can mostly just say, I had pre-E and it was the safest thing for Zachary to born and leave it at that. Its hard. Its hard to everyday look at your baby and know that there should be someone else crawling around with him.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, I dont want to share my story because I don't want to make others sad... But, in reality, sad happens. Sad happened to us. And, it is our story, its more than our story its our life.
Having one diagnosis after another: infertility, blood clotting disorder, progesterone disorder and incompetent cervix makes me a walking example of who not to talk to when pregnant. I have always hated wearing a badge of shame for being "broken". Maybe because I went through it twice I had two totally different experiences. When we lost Adam I told no one outside of my close family and friends any of the details or my feelings. I often kept everything quiet for their comfort level. When we lost the girls I had enough of that and began to be an advocate for others who have been in the same boat. You are so right as parents of angel babies we totally stick together and understand each other so much better than the outside population do. I have been one of the lucky ones who has never heard the awful things people say out of discomfort and ignorance. The last thing, twin pregnancies are high risk and I get tired of hearing otherwise from the general population. I hate hearing, "wouldn't it be fun to have twins?" Um no. Not.So.Much.
ReplyDeleteThanks for being honest and telling the true story, The Kimmel Family story.
You took the words out of my mouth and heart. We lost our second son Carter in April. I was also very naive in the fact that I thought it would never happen to us and then it did. I don't have words of wisdom except to say I totally understand.... To the core of me.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully worded. Obviously I have never experienced what you have, but I can relate to needing to bite my tongue rather than sharing my birth story with every new mom. Hugs!
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