I have been struggling with a hard truth over the last few months and I'm still working on it. There are people that don't want to hear our story. It's too painful, it will never happen to them, we didn't try hard enough are the usual reasons. No one has said this to me directly, mind you, but it's been implied. Stories like ours hard difficult to hear, I get that.
I think that's why preemie moms and baby loss moms tend to stick together. We view life differently because we have experienced, or been very close to experiencing, death. People who haven't experienced death or deep sorrow generally can't imagine that something like this would happen to them and we must have done something wrong. Death isn't something people want to talk about, especially when it concerns children. And why would anyone? It's terrible and heartbreaking and it isn't supposed to happen. Parents aren't supposed to outlive their children.
At first I was somewhat offended at the fact that all the happy pregnant people didn't want to hear a not so perfect birth story. But then I realized, why would someone want to hear about all the things that could possibly go wrong or about losing their child. I recently saw someone tell another mom that twin pregnancies were no higher risk than a normal pregnancy. I debated yelling and screaming and telling them everything we went through, but what good would that do? Do I really want to rain on someone else's parade and excitement of having twins? I don't want to be negative, I don't. It's just that our reality is that things went poorly and we are still dealing with it. Sometimes the case of the "it's not fair!"'s overcomes me and I feel like it's my duty to tell people that life isn't all rainbows and flowers. But what good would that do? I would love to go back to a place where I didn't think things this hard could ever happen to me. I wasn't completely naive, Danny and I have both been through a fair amount of "life", but life used to be different. And why would I want to take that away from someone else. Of course if there was a situation where I felt like maybe I could educate or help someone I would do that, but it's not my job to be a Debbie Downer or to ensure the world knows that bad things can happen to anyone. Sometimes its just hard to not have gotten to experience a happy birth and all the things that go with it.
As hard of days as I have, there is still good. This doesn't mean denying that we have hard times, because we do, but I think I need to work to focus on the good. I think my job and my way to honor Carter is to let people know that even though times can be so, so hard, they can also be so, so good and our lives are better because of Carter. I will never say that I'm glad we went through it or that I wouldn't change anything, because I would in a heartbeat, but I can say that out of the ashes comes beauty. Our birth story is painful, but out of it we got two beautiful little boys, an incredible amount of love and support, and a new perspective on life and that's a story worth telling.
"But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law" Galatians 5:22-23