Wonder

I wonder a lot of things about Cohen. I wonder how losing his twin is going to affect him. I wonder if he will think about what could have been, the way we do. I wonder if he will feel the loss of his brother. After he was born, I wondered if he wondered where Carter went. The last few days before the boys were born, whenever they did ultrasounds, Carter would have his head resting on Cohen's chest. Maybe he knew what was coming and he just wanted to get one more snuggle in before he left this world. It is hard enough to lose a child, but I think one of the things that makes me the saddest is not getting to see my boys grow up together. You always hear about what a special bond twins have and it breaks my heart that Cohen won't get to experience that and that we won't get to see that happen.

 {Pictures from Auntie Karen}

As I sit and rock Cohen at night, I look at his little face and wonder who he is going to be. I wonder what he is going to do in his life. I have to think that God has some pretty special plans for a little boy with such a dramatic story by the age of 7 months. I wonder why God chose him to face everything that he has. Not in an angry sort of "why him" way (although I've been there), but in an "what is this preparing him for?" kind of way.

When Cohen went in for his Synagis shot (for RSV), we were going over his history and the nurse was asking lots of questions. I was going through the usual... he was born 15 weeks early, lost his twin brother, was in kidney failure, had an enlarged heart and a PDA, couldn't have surgery because of a horrible skin infection that they thought was all throughout his body, has chronic lung disease, multiple blood transfusions, brain bleeds, bleeding in his lungs, etc. And then she asked "So what medications is he on and what are his current issues?" And I told her that he really doesn't have any other than chronic lung disease and being on oxygen to help him grow. He doesn't take any medications, which is quite unusual for a preemie. I knew that Cohen was doing well, but it really hit me that day that for everything Cohen has been through, he really is mostly healthy. His lungs are improving, his heart is better, he has no problems from being in kidney failure, his infection is gone and wasn't anywhere else but his skin, his brain bleeds were the lowest grade possible and most babies have no effects from that kind. He hasn't had problems with hernias or reflux which are really common in preemies. How great! God really has taken care of and protected Cohen and I can't wait to see what he has in store for this little wonder boy.