Not Alone

Last week I received Carter's medical records. I wanted to read through them myself. I find myself grasping for any little piece of him that I can find. I ask people repeatedly what they remember of the night that he was born. There were only a handful of people there who got to meet him and be a part of that night. I ask Danny to tell me again and again what he remembers.

One thing that has always haunted me and that I have a lot of guilt over is that I thought Carter died alone. I thought he was already gone when they brought him to me and that he had only been surrounded by nurses and doctors and not his family. I felt awful that I wasn't there for my son. When I read through the records, I saw something that surprised me. His heart was still beating when they brought him to me. He was alive. No one told me one way or the other and I had assumed that he was already gone. I was so overtaken by my grief that I never even thought to question it. Maybe by their standards he was gone, but it brings me a small amount of comfort to know that I got to hold him as he went to heaven and that he wasn't alone. I hope he felt how much we wanted him, loved, him, and how proud of him we were and continue to be.


I also received Cohen's medical records to have for future doctor's appointments etc. Cohen's came in two separate envelopes. There were pages and pages and pages of documents. I have a stack probably 6 inches thick of his records. Carter's came folded up in a regular envelope. There were 2 pages inside. Two pages documenting his life and death. How I wished there were pages and pages and pages, and that there were more still being written. At first I was upset that there were only a few pages. And then it hit me that he is more than two pages and his story is still being written, even though he isn't here with us. I have pages in a pregnancy book, pages on this blog, and many letters that I have written to him. We have cards, emails, and letters from people who were touched by his life. His life is so much more than those two sheets of paper. We are happy to know that Cohen and Carter's pages are still being written.