What Next?

I'm going to be honest here, sometimes I wish this wasn't my life. But, it is. This is my life as a 26 year old mom of twins, one in heaven and one on earth. I wish it didn't have to be this way, but it is.

So what am I going to do with it?

This is the question I keep coming back to. Yeah, we got dealt a crappy hand in life and I wish it wasn't this way. But, it is. Normal grieving aside, am I going to let this define the rest of my life? Is how unfair it is going to be what keeps me from moving forward? Now, of course I do and will continue to have bad days where I am going to think it is unfair, I am going to be mad, and I am going to wish things had been different. But overall, this thought just keeps coming back to my mind.

What am I going to do with these experiences?

I want to help other people whether NICU moms or parents who have lost babies. I want to do it for Carter. I don't feel like it was a mistake that we went through what we did. I believe that somehow, somewhere some good is going to come out of this. It has to. It just seems so clear to me that I could go one of two directions: lay in bed and cry "Why me" (which I do sometimes), or figure out what to do with this. To find out what I will do with the emotions, the pain, the experience of what its like to lose a child and to have a NICU child. I'm not "over it" and I never will be. But I will moved forward and figure out how to make good out of hardship.

That's where I am at right now. Waiting to see where our story is going to take us. Waiting to see what ways we will be used us to hopefully make things a little better or easier for someone else. Rolling ideas and projects around in my head, you know...in all my spare time.

And, since it's been a few days, here's your picture fix. You're welcome :)