Tomorrow, Tomorrow

I've mentioned before that I am a nurse and my job sometimes requires me to take care of babies and children. For a long time after the boys were born, I just couldn't do it. Everything we had been through was so fresh in my mind and despite the fact that 95% of the kids are absolutely fine and only rarely does something happen out of the ordinary. But still...I couldn't handle the thought of that 5% happening. And I couldn't handle the thought of something bad happening to a child and then having to be the one responsible for them. I knew I needed to take a step back and deal with a few other things before I was ready to put myself back in that situation. 

Tomorrow I will be taking a required class for work called PALS (pediatric advanced life support). PALS is such a nice, friendly name for what to do if a child stops breathing or their heart stops beating. Ugh. While I have come a long ways and can actually be in the same room as a baby as a patient, it still hits a little too close to home. Both of my boys required these life saving measures and the thought of it happening to another child makes me anxious. During our last practice with an event like this where a patient would require these measures, all I could think about was my boys. My tiny babies, helpless, needing extraordinary measures to keep them alive. And of course in Carter's case, losing his battle despite these measures. I know these babies are fake and in my head I know they aren't my babies, but my heart just isn't quite there yet. 

Honestly, I'm not sure how it's going to go. I know I still have some issues surrounding my boys and how their lives began and all of the fear that goes along with it. I hope I am able to separate myself enough to make it through the class. Will you please say a prayer for me/think of me tomorrow? I would greatly appreciate it.