A Boy and his Tub

Cohen went through a period of time where he hated baths. Like didn't want to get in, wouldn't sit down, and wanted to get out immediately. I'm so thankful he has learned to love his baths again.

We did a little after dinner finger(car/bug) painting the other night. When he got it all over his face and in his hair I knew a bath would be required.

Capture Your Grief - Day 20

Day 20: Hope
(Do you have hope for the future? What do you hope for those who will join this club in the future)

I do have hope. I have lots of hope. I have to or I won't get out of bed to face another day. I have hope that my boys will grow up knowing how loved and precious they are. I have hope that the things we are going through now will be able to help give someone else hope. I have to believe that this isn't all for nothing and that good will come out of Carter's life. 

The hope I have for other parents who may be facing loss is that they are supported in even greater ways. I hope that their baby's life is validated. I hope they are giving the opportunity to spend time with their baby and to make as many memories as they can in a short amount of time. I hope that the healthcare system and those involved in it can be kinder in the words spoken and actions taken. I hope that people can be more aware of their words and how much they can affect grieving families. I hope families know that they are allowed to grieve their baby(ies). I hope that no one ever tells them to "get over it" or to "move on". I hope that families can find support and love to get them through the hardest time of their life. 

Fall Walk

We have had a really beautiful fall around here. Lots of morning fog which isn't fun, but makes for sunny days and hardly any rain! We've been trying to get Cohen out as much as we can because we know the weather will change any day and continue raining for the next 9 months.

I have been loving all the colors around our little town lately. I took Cohen on a little afternoon walk because I had seen a big pile of leaves at a little park by our house. He wasn't terribly interested in the leaves, but he did love pushing his truck down the sidewalk all the way to the park and back. Cohen decided he was going to "cwoss da stweet" so we had a little chat about holding Mommy's hand and making sure no cars were coming. I would stop to take pictures and he would keep saying "come on!" He cracks me up with all the things he says.

I love this time of year. Boots. Pumpkins. Leaves. Cool, crisp weather. Warm drinks. Hats. Pumpkin patches. I love fall.

Pumpkin Patch Rounds 1 & 2

We went to the pumpkin patch a few weeks ago when our friends were up (I think I forgot to put up pictures...) Cohen really liked it and we got invited to go with my sister and her family this weekend so we went for it! Cohen is happy about anything outside. This was actually his third trip to a pumpkin patch.

This time we decided to go pick apples and took a little ride on another tractor pulled wagon ride. It was his favorite part. We may even try to squeeze one more trip in sometime this week! The boy loves it, what can I say. Lots of room to run, pumpkins to look at, animals to see...right up his alley. These are pictures from our two trips to the same pumpkin patch. Our middle visit was to a different little farm that was a "Cohen and Mom" date so I didn't even take my camera. But we had a lot of fun. The last one we were at we rode a wagon pulled by horses out to the pumpkin patch and he loved "riding the bus". They also had a little petting zoo, and much to my amazement, he rode a pony!

                      

{Andy, Tamara, and Danny}

Capture Your Grief - Days 16 & 17

Day 16: Seasons

All of my babies have been born in the early summer. When I was pregnant with the twins I would always think about how huge I would be and wonder how I would possibly make it through the summer (I was due in Sept). Little did I know that I wouldn't get a chance to be miserable all summer. I ended up on bedrest in May, ended up in the hospital, and then delivered, all before summer even officially arrived.

There are also seasons of grief, some "harder" or "easier" than others. Seasons when the yearly anniversaries come up and I spend many of my days remembering the moments or tearing up a little more than usual or the holidays where I wish our whole family was here to celebrate. And then there are seasons where I am able to be so thankful for the changes Carter's life brought about in my own life and those around us.

Day 17: Time

Even though there are a set number of hours in the day, days in a month, and months in a year, time never seems to take up the same amount of space. A year seems so short and so long at the same time. Can it really have been two years since I last held Carter in my arms? And at the same time, has it only been two years? It seems like I have spent a lifetime without him. Somehow the days stretch into months and the months into years and life keeps moving whether I want it to or not.

Capture Your Grief - Day 18: Release

The prompt for the day was this: What do you want to let go of on this journey of grief? Is it fear? Guilt? Worry? Deep sadness? Regrets?

Death affects people in profound ways. Especially when it's someone who isn't supposed to die. It touches every part of my life, some for good and some that I wish I could let go of.

I worry about my babies. I know all parents do to some degree, but sometimes the fear of losing them is too much for me. I can't let Ezra sleep in our front room because I am genuinely afraid that something will happen to him and I will be too far away to protect him. I still go in to make sure Cohen is breathing at night. Ezra fell deep asleep one day and he wasn't moving. I made Danny go and try to rouse him because I couldn't bear the thought of having to find him no longer alive. It sounds morbid and paranoid, and sometimes, I am. Losing my child is a feeling that I never want to have to experience again.

I regret not spending more time with Carter, although I know no amount of time other than a lifetime would be enough. I want to let go of the irritation I feel for the people who didn't walk me through bathing Carter and holding him skin to skin and making molds of his hands and feet. Those are moments that I could have had that I will never get back. And I am sad that I didn't get those chances.

I do have deep sadness and while there are days that I just want to go back to not knowing that sadness, I also know that while it hurts, it reminds me how deeply I have loved someone. This whole grief journey wouldn't be so very painful if it wasn't about something that was so precious to me.

Family Catch Up

I feel like I've been chasing my tail the last few weeks trying to catch up on everything going on. Cohen has another cold, ugh. We've been implementing Operation: Not Catch Everything on the Planet. I'll let you know in a few weeks how it's working. Cohen is always kind enough to pass on his germs to be and I am notorious for keeping germs and getting sinus infections. Lots of fun.

Ezra turned 4 months old! I can't believe my little chunk is getting so old. He really is a sweet boy. He still isn't a great sleeper (okay, he's a pretty terrible sleeper), but what he lacks in sleeping skills he makes up for in cuteness and general contentedness. He learned to roll a few weeks back and is now rolling continuously across the floor. I put him on a blanket, turn around, and find him in a corner or up against some piece of furniture. I'm impressed at his ambition, but not so pleased with his partial mobility already.

Danny is still working away, spending his Wednesdays off with the boys while I work. He is deep in the midst of football and fantasy football.

We have been having fairly nice weather around here, cold but not raining, so we've still been trying to get out of the house when we can. Every morning when Cohen wakes up, the first thing he says is "Go Bye Bye". It's a challenge to keep him busy enough to not go crazy while trying to keep Ezra on somewhat of a consistent schedule. My family comes to my rescue quite often as Cohen hates being cooped up in the house. He needs adventure! I'm still trying to figure out what behaviors are his need of sensory input and which ones are just him being an incredibly busy boy.

Other than that, I am still working one to two days a week. We are still making diapers and are starting to plan for NICU care packages! Whew. No wonder I'm tired!