16 Weeks

A little pregnancy update...

I am 16 weeks today! Hooray! It's going by slowly and quickly at the same time. I think I have gained about 5 pounds or so. I'm still wearing my regular clothes but have to unbutton my pants sometimes :) I go in next week for another ultrasound to check my cervix and meet with the doctor. We are hoping maybe they can sneak a little peak at whether baby is a boy or a girl. Don't forget to vote on the sidebar, so far everyone seems to be leaning towards girl....we'll see!

 My brain seems to be split into two as far as my feelings and emotions. There is a part of me that says this is not the same pregnancy, it's going to be different.

And then every couple weeks for a day or two I panic. There's the other part of me that says yeah, but...what if? What if it happens again? What if I have to relive my greatest nightmare?

Honestly, the NICU part doesn't scare me as much. We've been through that and while we surely don't want to do it again if we can avoid it, that isn't my greatest fear. My greatest fear is another tiny casket and another grave and a lifetime without my child.

In my head I know that the chances of us having a healthy, long pregnancy are good. I try to focus on that. I repeat to myself that this time it's going to be different.

But then I feel a funny twinge, or think I feel a contraction. And it all comes back. Danny and I were talking the other night and I was telling him that I don't know how to not be worried. Now, I'm not worried every second of every day, I have many moments of calm and peace. I actually think that I have been doing pretty well so far. However, we are getting close to the "bad time" (19/20 weeks) with the boys' pregnancy. Thankfully, the good moments have outweighed the worried, anxious moments and I am grateful for that and I hope it can continue that way.

Christmas 2012

Hope you all enjoyed your Christmases. We have a good time over here, we even got a white Christmas!!

Danny's parents came up on Christmas Eve and we were able to spend a little time with them. We went out to dinner and then came home for brownies.

 It started snowing early in the day and Danny didn't actually believe me that it was snowing because the snowfall was a little sparse. But I knew it was there. It kept snowing for most of the day and finally quit in the afternoon.

{Good morning cute boy!}

We had a nice quiet breakfast at home with our traditional "coyote" breakfast. I don't know how it got that name, but it's just fried dough covered in powdered sugar or jam. Yum, yum. There really weren't any presents to open, other than one that Cohen got. I had opened my gift, a dustbuster, the night before. You know you're getting old when you ask for and are extremely excited about getting cleaning tools. It had to charge for a full 24 hour so I was pretty bummed I couldn't use it right away.

 

Cohen got some hot wheels cars in his stocking that he loved. I have never seen him sit still for so long and actually play with something. If I would have known how much he was going to like them I would have gotten them a long time ago!

{Monster truck meets medical kit}

After Cohen's nap, we headed over to my parents house. We played some games and had appetizers and visited. After dinner, we opened presents, always fun with all the kids running around! The adults draw names for presents and we all usually get the kids something.

{Dinner}

{Presents}

{The men, minus one brother} 

{The ladies}

{The fam}

This Christmas just felt so easy stress wise. We kept everything super simple and we had a great time. Hope you all had a wonderful time celebrating as well! 

Merry Christmas!

Life with an 18(ish) Month Old

I feel way more tired this pregnancy, and I'm thinking it might have something to do with this...Yes, almost all the pictures are blurry, because he truly does not stop moving very often.

 {Pulling down kiddie gates, climbing the couch, and typing on the computer)

{Saying hi to mom, more typing} 

{This is probably the most accurate picture, cruising around the house with his trucks at top speed} 

 {Just threw Mr. Stinkers off of his car, and more driving}

{And *sometimes* every so often, he stops for a snuggle with Stinkers}

He is definitely a busy boy with a LOT of things to do, but we wouldn't trade him for anything....although a nap would be nice! 

Simply Christmas

We have enjoying a nice simple Christmas around here and it has been so nice. We put up our little Christmas tree and stockings and really about all we did for decorations. And I'm okay with it.

Every day Cohen undecorates the tree and I re-decorate it when he goes to bed. I'm okay with that too. We opted to not fight the "don't touch the tree battle" and just decorate the bottom half of the tree with things that were okay for Cohen to play with. And he loves it. There are two little stuffed bear ornaments that are always the first ones he pulls off. He carries them around the house, drives them around in his dump truck and he snuggles them. It's pretty much the cutest thing ever. He puts one on each ear and then lays his head down and cuddles them. We also don't have any presents under the tree so that's one less battle to fight too.

 {Cohen socializing with the relatives}

Danny and I went together and then split up to get things for each other's stockings. One night of shopping and we were done! So nice.

 

We've even gotten to go to a few Christmas parties along the way. Last weekend we had a Christmas party with my mom's side of the family (all the pictures posted are from that party). We've missed the party the last few years and it was fun to get to see everyone again. Cohen had a great time schmoozing his great aunties and a few of my cousins. This week we got to go to the Christmas party for our Sunday School class which was also nice. We have another Christmas party this weekend with our friends that we are looking forward to. It's nice to be able to enjoy things like these parties a little more because we aren't so worried and stressed out about everything else.

 {Oh yeah, we were there too}

We listen to our Christmas music, drink our hot chocolate, and look at the lights with Cohen. It's not the biggest or the fanciest Christmas we'll ever have, but for right now, it's perfect.

 

Searches

In case you need something a little light-hearted today... a friend was giving a few examples of funny things that people had searched and come across their blog. So I went to look and this is what I found, these are things that people have typed in google or a search engine and gotten to our blog:

- mom's first tattoo

- "he blew out his diaper"

- "long toes"

- can baby boys put on stockings

- diaper slave story (????)

- gingerbread house kit falling apart

- "put my cold feet on him"

- hiccups after wisdom teeth out

- I ripped a huge hole in my pajama pants can they be fixed?

- reindeer hand sanitizer
- "incredibly ticklish"
- homemade pizza Christmas trees
- will a hospital bed fit down my hallway
- is it normal for a baby to have big hands and feet
- Jimmy Kimmel's first wife

- video of the day we went to get our christmas tree
- I think tiny flies have come from my Christmas tree

Some of these I know exactly what post they would have gotten to from their search, some of them I have NO idea. But they were good for a laugh! And if you got here through one of those searches, welcome :) 
 

Like so many other people, I was heartbroken over the latest violence and lost lives in the news. It was hard for me to hear about and hard to read about. I am devastated for those parents who will now be burying their children this holiday season instead of celebrating with them. They won't get to see their kids run down the stairs Christmas morning. The presents will go unopened. And it will go beyond Christmastime too. When the rest of the world gets over the shock and moves on, they will still be grieving. These parents will never get another hug from their baby, they will never get to tuck their kids into bed again, no more giggles or kisses. Their birthdays will be remembered at a grave site, their balloons sent to heaven. 

 It brought back a lot of emotions for me as I thought of all those families whose lives were changed in an instant. I'm not even going to pretend I know what it's like to lose a child so tragically, but I do know about all those broken hopes and dreams. I know about the things you never think will happen to you, and then you find yourself experiencing the unthinkable.

I found myself holding Cohen even closer. And thinking about what is in store for his little life. All those minutes, hours, and days we spent praying he would make it just one more day. All the battles he fought and won. He has overcome so much and yet, there are no guarantees of how many days or years we will get to spend with him.

I know this is totally cliche, but each moment really is a gift. As I cleaned up Cohen's lunch off the floor again, and watched him take all of the Christmas decorations off the tree again, and empty all of the desk drawers again, I thought about how these were the moments we had waited for. These were the moments we would give anything to have with Carter. And moments like these are the ones that so many parents never get to experience.

The thing is, those kids, they aren't hurting anymore. They aren't in pain. I know there is a special place in heaven for children. It's the ones left behind, they are the ones who have an incredibly long road to walk. Some days, the only thing that brings me peace is knowing that heaven exists and that my Carter is with Jesus, what better place to be!? Sometimes we work so hard to keep God out of our lives, and then when something like this happens, we blame him. We often wonder where God is in things like this, and I saw one person respond that Jesus is there, welcoming those little children into heaven. This poem and picture have been floating around the internet, and I think they fit so well. We have a picture similar to this in Cohen's room. It was given to me by a good friend and I just love it. Our picture is of a baby being held in the arms of Jesus, my only comfort.

twas' 11 days before Christmas, around 9:38

when 20 beautiful children stormed through heaven's gate.

their smiles were contagious, their laughter filled the ai

r.

they could hardly believe all the beauty they saw there.

they were filled with such joy, they didn't know what to say.

they remembered nothing of what had happened earlier that day.

"where are we?" asked a little girl, as quiet as a mouse.

"this is heaven." declared a small boy. "we're spending Christmas at God's house."

when what to their wondering eyes did appear,

but Jesus, their savior, the children gathered near.

He looked at them and smiled, and they smiled just the same.

then He opened His arms and He called them by name.

and in that moment was joy, that only heaven can bring

those children all flew into the arms of their King

and as they lingered in the warmth of His embrace,

one small girl turned and looked at Jesus' face.

and as if He could read all the questions she had

He gently whispered to her, "I'll take care of mom and dad."

then He looked down on earth, the world far below

He saw all of the hurt, the sorrow, and woe

then He closed His eyes and He outstretched His hand,

"Let My power and presence re-enter this land!"

"may this country be delivered from the hands of fools"

"I'm taking back my nation. I'm taking back my schools!"

then He and the children stood up without a sound.

"come now my children, let me show you around."

excitement filled the space, some skipped and some ran.

all displaying enthusiasm that only a small child can.

and i heard Him proclaim as He walked out of sight,

"in the midst of this darkness, I AM STILL THE LIGHT."

Written by Cameo Smith, Mt. Wolf, PA