Sick Days

Cohen is still working on getting rid of his cold. He hates the inhaler when we are giving it to him but afterwards will play with it and even put it on his face. We can tell he doesn't feel good but he seems to be handling it pretty well. It's probably harder on us than him as we are evaluating every cough or funny breath. I've gotten out my stethoscope on occasion and listened to his breathing and even pulled up his shirt to watch his breathing. Poor fellow sounds pretty miserable but we are hoping he will kick it soon! Meanwhile, a few pictures of the little sickie. 

{Aw mom, I know I'm sick, but can't I please still play outside??} 

{Must...keep....playing...} 

{Getting a little fresh air} 

Another Busy Week

Well, we were waiting for things to slow down a little, but this week wasn't it I guess.

Cohen came down with a cold and has a nasty sounding cough. We decided to give it a few days and see what happened. He's had very minor cold/teething runny noses before, but this is his first chest cold. Pretty amazing if you think about it, we have been incredibly blessed with his health out of the NICU. This morning he woke up and was coughing pretty hard and couldn't quite catch his breath. We decided to take him in to the after hours clinic at his pediatricians office just to make sure everything looked good. My concern wasn't necessarily that he was in distress right now, he has been low(er) energy and working a little harder to breath, but otherwise seemed to be handling it well. My worry is that he won't be able to get rid of it and it will turn into pneumonia or something else. So, in we went. The doctor thought he seemed to be handling it well, but prescribed him in inhaler to use to make sure things are moving out of his lungs and not getting stuck down there and also to use during his little coughing fits. Even though he seems to be doing fine, it's hard to forget all the things taht have been drilled into our heads about his chronic lung disease and how even a basic cold could be something serious for a preemie. We've been enjoying the extra snuggles but are hoping this goes away quickly.

My dad also spent the night in the hospital which was a little scary, but everything seems to be fine so we are very thankful for that.

We had an ultrasound yesterday and baby and cervix both still look good! Boring and normal, just how we like it.

Here's hoping next week settles down a little.

21 Months

Cohen seems to be in a very sensitive spot right now. He has started to notice when Danny or I leave and cries if we leave him somewhere, even if it's with family. (Pictures all from Karen)

There are some things he is so fearless about and then other times he is literally clinging to our legs over the sound of the rain or a loud noise. I'm sure it's probably just a stage for his age, but it's so different than he normally is. It's hard to know how to reassure him while helping him know that it's okay and we are coming back for him, which I know he doesn't really understand yet.

While it has been a bit challenging, we also love to see how much he is constantly learning. If you ask him what a duck says he will say "quack" and if you ask him what a horse says he will say "neigh". His words of the week are "night night" and "uh oh". His walking is getting better but he is still constantly falling or trying to catch his balance.

He loves sticks and rocks and mud puddles, a true boy. He is starting to show his displeasure a little more because we don't let him live outside. He's earned a few trips to his bed for a little "regroup" time.   We are also working on using a spoon and fork and he loves it although he doesn't usually actually get the food on his spoon without some help. He has also been practicing with a big boy cup, but only when he is in his high chair as it always ends up all over the floor otherwise. He likes to "help" if we are making dinner. He gets out a spatula and a bowl and plays on the floor while we cook.

He keeps me incredibly busy and I'm generally exhausted by the end of the day, but he's so fun.

Who You'd Be Today

I have been in a fair amount of denial that Cohen will soon be turning two. I think this birthday may be harder for me than the first. How can it have been 2 years since our baby boys entered this world? That means it has been two years since I have seen and held and kissed Carter. How is that even possible? I would give anything to be able to hold him again. Will it still feel like this when he should have been turning 5 and 10 and 16? I think a lot about what he would be like right now. If he would look just like Cohen, or like the same foods, or what his little personality would be like. Man, I miss that little boy. It doesn't get easier. It does get "different", but it's still not easy.

Kenny Chesney - Who You'd Be Today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?

Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.

Some day, some day, some day.

Day Dreaming

Every morning that I go to work (and I've been there a lot lately) I make the walk from the parking garage over to the surgery center. Every time I take that walk, I pass the childbirth center on my way. Sometimes, I allow myself to do a little daydreaming.

I think about what it would be like to drive up the childbirth center in labor at 40 weeks, park the car, and hurry in. We might forget a few things because we are too excited or nervous. It might be the middle of the night and I have my scary hair. We will call our family and tell them "it's time" and maybe this time our voices will be full of excitement instead of fear.

I frequently see people out in the parking lot chatting. I like to think they are family members waiting for the arrival of a new little life. I think about how I want the first moments to be ours as a little family and then to share our boy with the rest of our family and friends. They will get to hold the baby instead of looking at him sprawled out on a bed with lots of wires and tubes and machines. I will hopefully get to hold my baby instead of having to wait to go see him and even then being so out of it that I couldn't really take it in. There will be joy instead of tears (maybe a few happy tears).

Of course right behind the childbirth center is the helicopter. The one that has taken a few of my friends down to Seattle to deliver babies. Thankfully, I never had to ride in it, but I know what it means. Just sitting back there like a little reminder. However, in my daydreams I like to think about how maybe, just maybe, it will go the way that we want. The fears are still there, but sometimes I like to ignore them and think about how happy things could be, at least in my daydreams and hopefully in real life.

26 Weeks

It feels very strange to say that we are 26 weeks. All the other weeks we've been through and of course 25 weeks is our most familiar. But 26 weeks, we've never been here before!!

I've resigned to the fact that my 2nd trimester energy got lost and will never make it to my house. My limbs are apparently tired too as they fall asleep constantly.

It's also odd to feel this boy move so much. I felt the boys move quite a bit, but since there were two in there I don't think they could flip, roll, and do acrobatics like this little boy. They were head down from early on and never changed. This little fellow is in a different position every time.

While it feels a little bit odd, it feels so very good to be able to do what I need and want to do. I can take Cohen for walks, I can do the laundry, we can go to the park. I don't have to worry about laying in bed and thinking about all the things that I should be doing but can't. One of my greatest fears is/was bedrest. Bedrest is hard and contractions are hard both physically and emotionally. There's just no way I could do it with Cohen and I am incredibly thankful that we haven't had to go there and so far doesn't look like we will!

And here are some pictures of Cohen playing outside over the weekend. The happiest boy in town.

Parents of Preemies Day

March 10 is the annual Parents of Preemies Day. This probably isn't your typical Parents of Preemies Day post, but here goes.

Being a parent of a preemie or a sick child is hard. Many of us know what it's like to watch our child struggle for life, being hooked up to countless machines and monitors, and feeling so helpless. We are proud of ourselves and our babies for beating what seemed like impossible odds, and we should be.

What I've come to realize through having a preemie and losing a child is that our journeys are our own. Whether your preemie was born at 32 weeks or 23 weeks your experience is your experience, no matter how "hard" or "easy" in someone else's eyes. I've definitely been in a place where it completely rubbed me the wrong way for people to talk about how difficult their baby's two day NICU stay was or how "hard" their pregnancy was. I still don't tolerate complaining well, but I also realize that people's feelings are their own and they are valid. If a two day NICU stay is the hardest thing they've ever been through, than who am I to tell them that they don't have a right to their feelings or that it wasn't a hard experience?

I would be very sad if someone told me that what we've been through wasn't "as bad" as someone else. Of course I know that things could have turned out completely differently. There is always someone who has it better or worse, but what I know is our situation and my own feelings. I will do my best to understand other situations, but we can never completely understand someone else's trials and joys because we haven't walked in their exact shoes. We walk similar journeys, but we each have our own unique experiences.

 One of the awesome things about the preemie community is the amount of support parents can lend to each other. We can listen and learn and help each other out, even if we haven't been in that exact situation. But I also think there is a certain amount of comparing in the preemie world, just like in the "regular parent" world. In my opinion, comparing situations is an injustice to everyone involved. Like I said, I will be the first to admit that I've  been there. I've been angry at pregnant people, I've been frustrated with people complaining about how hard their lives are with their baby who has no problems to speak of. But that is a place that I can't and won't stay. My babies don't deserve it and it wasn't doing anyone any good, especially me. I think it's a totally normal thing to go through and even necessary in the healing process, but I found myself becoming increasingly bitter and angry and I knew that it was a place I couldn't stay. The saying "Comparison is the thief of joy" was ringing very true to me. I was too busy deciding how others should or shouldn't feel and I was ignoring the little and big joys of my own life.

Along with our experiences comes a responsibility.  No one plans to be a preemie parent or to have a sick child, but there are certainly a lot of us who have found ourselves tossed into this world. We can try and help others understand our situations. We have a unique perspective because of our children's beginnings. We can choose how we react to the situation we are handed. Taking a step back, not jumping to conclusions, and helping to educate others are things we can do to try and really support each other. We all make our own choices and they may come at different times in our journey. It may take longer to get to that place, and that's okay. We all process things differently in our own time. Parenting is hard and we've all been through a lot, so lets continue to support and encourage each other and help others understand, without comparing, the experiences we have been through.