Cohen is having a meltdown over juice. Ezra is cranky and won't nap. I got very few hours of sleep last night. The dishes are piled high in the sink and the laundry is endless. The crying is taking it's toll on me and it all seems so overwhelming and I just want a break.
And then comes the guilt.
The guilt that says this is what you wanted. You said you would be happy if you got to raise your children. These are the days you were waiting for. You said you would give anything just to hear your child cry.
Sometimes I'm thankful for this little voice in the back of my head. It helps me keep perspective and to be able to sort out when I'm just whining and need to change my attitude.
Other times, I want to stomp on this voice. Yes, I did say those things and I am so thankful for my babies and that will never change. But, I'm only human and parenting is hard. Some days I just want to be able to be frustrated and tired without the guilt. I'm a mom just like all the other moms out there who face rough days.
I can relate to this 100%. I rarely yell at Cole, but sometimes his whining and crying just becomes too much to handle. It's always in those moments I have flashbacks to the last 5 years of my life-- going through all kinds of infertility treatments, losing a child, and finally bringing one home with me. I swore to God that I would never take any moment for granted. But you are right, we are only human. The best part to me is that I'm able to quickly recover from those moments where I feel run down and remember exactly how blessed I am. And then he definitely gets an even bigger hug from me afterwards. Hang in there! I am sure I'll think back to this post you made in the next few weeks when I have a cranky 20 month old and a newborn who won't sleep ;) Good to know there are others in my same shoes!
ReplyDeleteIt is hard, so hard. Don't beat yourself up there will be those days. Then there will be one of OVERWHELMING thankfulness. Your a good mommy and you love ALL your boys and of coarse would love more than anything for Carter to be here. There have actually been times I have thought how would I have manged if Jonathan was here, he was so close in age to Joseph. Then tears spring to my eyes and I think how I would give anything for him to be here! Yes we are human but how we love our boys and always will! Don't worry my biggest adjustment was not when I had five kids at home but two. There is just something about that change that is difficult.
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