I have entered the sleepless zone of pregnancy. Most nights I either just stay up late or try to go to bed and end up getting back up again even though I'm tired. As I laid in bed last night trying to sleep, I realized that the boys' birthday is coming up very soon. I don't know if we've just been so busy that I haven't thought about it or if it's a subconscious thing to hold myself together, I'm not sure. Part of me can hardly even believe that it's been two years since the boys were born and our world was forever changed.
A few weeks ago I posted the Kenny Chesney song that I know a lot of baby loss parents have related to, a song called "Who You'd be Today". I frequently think about who Carter would be today if he were here. But I also think about who we as a family would be. I spent part of Mother's Day in my bed crying because things just weren't supposed to be this way. Danny came in to find me and said the words I was thinking, things would be so different if they were both here.
How would our little family be if we had our twins? I really can only imagine. Would we be struggling to keep up with two rambunctious toddlers? Would we be cheering and celebrating that we had survived our first two years with twins? Would we like the attention from having twins, the questions about having twins, and meeting up with other parents of twins? Would we be complaining to other parents about how busy and tired we were raising two toddlers? We are so very excited for Ezra and we wouldn't trade him for anything, but honestly, we probably wouldn't even be thinking about more kids until the boys were older, if ever.
The truth is, we will never know. It's an experience that we won't get to have, one that we are left to imagine. There is definitely beauty in the ashes, and we would certainly be a different family and different individuals had our situation been different and we were able to raise our twins.