Don't hold on too tightly.
If this makes you cringe a little bit, it makes me cringe a little too. I have to admit that I have struggled with this, but it just keeps rolling around in my head. I do hold tightly to Cohen. I worry whether his carseat is in the car correctly. I worry about him being in someone else's care and something happening to him. I worry about something happening during the night and I won't wake up to help him.
I think considering what we have been through, it probably isn't a huge surprise that I have issues with this fear and anxiety related to Cohen. Everything in me screams:
How can I NOT hold on too tightly!? Don't you know what we've been through?
Leaving him alone (with our wonderful nurses) in the hospital for 130 nights, months of worrying about his health, and knowing how fragile life is have left us a little traumatized. I don't look down on or judge any preemie or baby loss parent who has these similar feelings. It's all part of the healing process as we try to recover from the road we have walked.
But, I also know that I can't keep him in a bubble his whole life. I can't keep him from all the dangers of this world. Part of our faith journey is knowing that God has Cohen's days planned. I like to be in control and one of the biggest lessons we have learned over the last two years is that we aren't in control.
We can still do our best to protect Cohen, to help him grow, to teach him things, and to love him to pieces every day that we get to spend with him. We have to give him a chance to fly, and to fall, to be able to experience life to the fullest. It's still scary and it's going to take me awhile to get to a place where I feel like I'm not clutching on to him, but I hope I can get there. And really, with his personality and drive, I'm not sure we could hold him back if we tried!