Tuesday, August 2, 2011

I am just really missing Carter today. I ordered the boys' birth certificates and then Carter's death certificate. You shouldn't have to check the "no" box under the question "Is this person still living?". It just doesn't seem right. I was walking to the elevators the other day and there was another guy going out and he asked me if I had a baby here and I said yes. He then told me about how they were trying not to have their baby too early at 32 weeks. Ugh. I know it's not right, but I find myself getting irritated at people. I would have given anything in the world to have both my babies born at 32 weeks. I know it's not their fault, it's their reality that it would be scary to have a baby born early. And it is, it's terrifying. I also find myself irritated when I see or hear people complaining about their pregnancy and how hard it is. Of course I wouldn't wish this on anyone and I hope those people don't have to know what it's like to have any early baby. But, I would take being huge again, not being able to get out of bed, being stuck on monitors...I would do it all again if I could have my baby back and have them be born later. I know that people only know their own situations and have no idea how it feels to be in a different situation, but it's still hard for me. When I see pregnant people it just makes me think about how I should still be pregnant for another 6 weeks. I don't know what it's like to have a nice everything is flowers and rainbows pregnancy. We had a difficult pregnancy from the start. Of course we were thrilled to be having a baby, and even more excited to be having twins but our pregnancy was filled with fear and unknowns and tests and more tests and hospital stays. It's not anyone's fault of course, I hope someday that we can have a flowers and rainbows pregnancy :) It's just really hard, that's all. And I am glad that most other people don't have to know how this all feels. I've had a rough morning so please say a little prayer for me. I just have to keep reminding myself of the things that I know to be true, that God is loving and good and that all of this is not a mistake.Thank you for all of your patience with me and support for our family as we are going through all of this.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18

As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.
Psalm 18:30-32


  1. So sorry, Jana, that you are having such a hard day. Those were such helpful verses you chose. I'm so thankful that the Lord understands our pain. We are encouraged with how Cohen is doing. He weighs almost as much as Delaine did when he was born. We will continue to pray for him and for you and Danny.
    Love, Delaine and Emily

  2. Hang in there, what you are feeing is normal for someone who has gone through what you have. You are just going about things the hard way but it will all be worth it when he is home.If you need to vent, give me a call ( I have been there and done THAT!).And , I hearyou on the parneting in the NICU goldfish bowl as well.Not how being a new mom is supposed to be, but just savor the small victories as he grows!

  3. Whoops, I forgot to say that the above was from Andrea :)