Happy & Sad

Today, I am happy. I am happy because my little mighty man is 4 lbs 13 oz. He got the lid off of his isolette to see if he can maintain his own temperature and he is doing great! They wanted to see if he could still gain weight while in an open isolette. And he has been! He is also down to 1.5L on his oxygen and will move to 1L high flow later today. Tomorrow they will try to move him to a regular cannula (so the oxygen he gets won't be humidified anymore) and if he tolerates that he will get to try breastfeeding probably by this weekend!! WARNING: I am about to talk about breastfeeding so if you are a guy, or just don't want to read it, consider yourself warned. I have tried to lay low on the boob talk, but I am so excited to finally get to breastfeed. My breast pump has been my best friend for the last 2+ months and I am ready to part ways with it! I will still have to do some pumping after he starts breastfeeding but at least it's a step towards getting rid of it. I am hoping that breastfeeding will go well, but I have always had kind of a low supply. I would like to at least try nursing him, but if it doesn't work, I won't be heartbroken because I have a freezer full of breastmilk so he would still be getting it, just by bottle instead.

Yesterday, I was sad. I hate that I have to go to the cemetery to visit my son. It just doesn't seem right. There shouldn't even be a children's section in the cemetery. It's not fair that there is a new grave next to Carter's. It's not fair that there are any other graves there. I hate that on a perfectly sunny, summer day I can't be enjoying my two boys. Instead, I take a break from the hospital and visit my baby's grave. I tell him about his brother and how brave he is and what a fight he has put up. And that I wish he was here with us and that they could be in cribs side by side. That he could be wearing the second pair of dinosaur pajamas with the sunglasses on his feet to match his brother. I tell him that we miss him terribly and would give anything just to spend a few more minutes with him. I tell him that he was so brave for the short time that he was here and that if we can't take care of him, that we are glad he is with Jesus and the angels. I know he wouldn't want to come back. I know that. While I was out driving today, I was listening to the radio and I heard the Mercy Me song "I Can Only Imagine". And I started to imagine what Carter might be doing in heaven. I hope he is singing, dancing, playing, and being rocked by Jesus. I know he is having a good time. It's weird that instead of imagining heaven for myself (which I do sometimes) I am imagining how my son is spending his time there.

I am thankful that God continues to meet us where we were at. Happy, sad, or both at the same time. He knows my heart without me even having to say anything, although sometimes I do say quite a bit. But even in the times when I don't know what to say, he still knows. I am glad that all of my emotions aren't "too much" for him as I often feel that they are to other people. I am glad that he doesn't judge me for my feelings, or sometimes lack of feelings. And I am thankful that he forgives me when my feelings and thoughts aren't the greatest. I am glad that God knows where this life will take us next and that he is guiding our steps along the way.

Please pray that Cohen will continue to gain weight and that he will do well when weaned on his oxygen. And also, if you don't mind, say a little prayer that breastfeeding will go well when we get there! We appreciate your prayers so much.