4th of July 2014

We had high hopes for the fourth of July this year. The past two years, our strategy has been to get Cohen in bed before the fireworks start. This year we were hoping that maybe Cohen was old enough to "get" fireworks a little more and that he might think they were cool. We borrowed a pair of earmuff headphones. We talked about fireworks! and his friends! and his cousins! And we watched firework videos on youtube.

We showed him his earmuffs and put them on him. He loved them so much he wouldn't take them off, which we took as a good sign. He loved doing the pop-its and made it through some of the early (LOUD!) daytime fireworks but after about an hour or two he had had it.

We had planned on putting Ezra to bed and keeping Cohen up but it ended up the other way around. Poor little fellow was shaking as we were putting his jammies on. We put a blanket over his pack n play so he felt closed in, turned on two fans, shut all the windows and prayed he would go to sleep. I think he used up so much energy being terrified of the fireworks that he was exhausted. He went to sleep and didn't move until we picked him up to take him home.

 I have to admit, my heart hurts a little that what should have been a fun experience was so hard on Cohen. He has always been so sensitive to noises and easily startled/overwhelmed by them (he had a startle reflex until he was almost 2). I hope someday my boy can enjoy things a little more without it having to be so scary and overwhelming.

Ezra, on the other hand, took a power nap in the Ergo and then stayed awake for the whole fireworks show. It didn't phase him at all, he didn't even jump once! Such a difference.

Overall, we had a good day celebrating America's birthday!

There Will Be a Day...

Can I be honest for a minute? There are days when I am so tired of grieving. My soul is weary and I don't want to feel this pain anymore. Yes, it's been three years. It still hurts so very much. The first year was the most intense, emotional pain I have ever felt. I walked around in shock and was both numb and also unable to hide my emotions for the most part. 

Now, it's the ache. The ache that comes at night, in the quiet or sometimes during the day when I see my boys playing. The hurt that comes when people don't want to hear our story because we are in fact living out their worst nightmare. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to have this story. I want Carter. I want to be naive. 

Having a child you can only dream about is hard. Really hard and it hurts in big ways. If you're tired of hearing about how much it hurts, I'm tired of feeling how much it hurts. I know why it is so painful, but that doesn't make it any easier. I can't change what happened, I can only hope that I can see the good that will come out of this. And to try and remind myself that someday, I will get to heaven and there will be no more tears or suffering. 

"There Will Be A Day" by Jeremy Camp

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have 
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab 
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth, 
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew 

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings 
That there will be a place with no more suffering 

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears 
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face 
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always 

I know the journey seems so long 
You feel you're walking on your own 
But there has never been a step 
Where you've walked out all alone 

Troubled soul don't lose your heart 
Cause joy and peace he brings 
And the beauty that's in store 
Outweighs the hurt of life's sting 

I can't wait until that day where the very one I've lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I've faced 
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing

Have Your Cake....

Summer is in full swing, we've been busy, busy, busy! Just this weekend we've gone to garage sales, had a playdate, went to our neighborhood BBQ, and had a family birthday party.

{Ezzy's garage sale finds..sunglasses and winter coat!}

The birthday fun continues on around here! A month long celebration of sorts. This weekend we had our family birthday party for my niece Michelle (13), Ezra and Cohen. It was a nice simple gathering at the park with just our family and Danny's parents.

 {Ez and Grandma Deb}

{Birthday kids!} 

Ezra's First Birthday

Ezra  had a pretty low key birthday. Getting tucked in for his last night before turning ONE!

This has been one of my favorite times of day. Ezra wakes up between 5 and 6 for an early morning snack. I tuck him into bed with me to snuggle while he nurses or has a bottle. He's the best little snuggler and I am so going to miss these times. I keep wondering when it will be the last day that this happens, but I hope we have a little while longer. 

{Birthday Breakfast and snuggles}

After breakfast and morning nap we went out for birthday cookies! 

The boys went over to Gramma's to play and take naps. Gramma and Grampa took the boys to our favorite ice cream place and we met up with them there. Ezra wasn't a huge fan of the ice cream, until he got ahold of the chocolate ice cream. Then he couldn't get enough!

This kid is seriously just the sweetest boy. Happy First Birthday, Ez!!! 

Cohen: Age 3

At 3 years old...

Cohen is talking SO much! He cracks us up with the things he says (where's Daddy?...Acsally (Actually)...I'm going outside to wide my bike...I gotta go push Ezzy)

He asks for apple juice first thing every morning when he gets up.

He is picky about what he eats -- he won't eat most fruits or vegetables, but loves peanut butter and jelly, peanut butter and crackers, ketchup, noodles, macaroni and cheese, goldfish crackers, scrambled eggs

He is getting better at running and jumping!

Loves to have his back scratched (You scwatch my back Mommy, just oooone more)

He is daytime potty trained and is wearing diapers at nap and nighttime, wears size 5 diapers

Wearing 3T shirts and 2T-3T pants. Size 8 shoes.

He still takes a 2-3 hour nap during the day and generally sleeps 7-7 at night

LOVES to play outside with dirt and water and containers. Likes to read books and play cars and trains.

We love this sweet boy so much!!

Happy Birthday, Ezra!

Happy Birthday my sweet little one year old!! What a gift you have been to our family. You have brought us toothy one dimpled grins and lots of laughter. You have brought healing to our mending hearts. Your sweet snuggles are the best. Your tiny baby arms around my neck with your head on my shoulder are the perfect.

Thank you for being my chubby cheeked ray of sunshine and my cuddle bug. The perfect combination of sweet with a little bit of sass. I love watching you play with Cohen and watching your relationship develop. A little bit of a stubborn independence, but still always willing to come back for a snuggle. You voice your opinion when your brother is doing something you don't like and let us know that you want something by throwing your arm out and giving a good "Uh!". You are adorable and you know it and use it to your advantage. You have won over lots of hearts.

We weren't sure what to expect when we thought of having another baby. We didn't know if we could possibly love another little boy as much as we loved your brothers. You have filled all the nooks and crannies and made my heart so very full. We have learned that our love can grow and spread farther than we ever imagined. You and your big brother have filled our lives with so much joy.

We love you so much baby boy! (please stay little forever)

A New Kind of Birthday

You know what's kind of weird? Having my baby's birthday coming up and not feeling sad and overwhelmed. It's a birthday and I get to fully celebrate it. I don't have to visit a grave. It's a birthday that doesn't double as a death day. A supposed to be the "best day of my life" that was actually the worst day of my life. We have taken to having a little party for Cohen after the actual birthday so that we still get to celebrate him, but his actual birthday will always have some bitter with the sweet. I hate that this is the way it is, but I can't change it. Maybe someday the pain will ease, but for now, it's a difficult day.

This time, we get a little normalcy. I get to think back to the day our little chubby baby entered the world and even though it was a bumpy ride, he was healthy. We got to count his fingers and toes and snuggle and have a baby experience that didn't involve life support and isolettes.

It's kind of crazy to have a birthday coming that I don't have to prepare myself for and send out "this is a bad time of year, bear with me" messages. I don't have to take the week off work or throw myself into projects to stay busy and distracted. This birthday feels different and light and joyful. Well, mostly joyful, I am eating brownies and crying into my pillow that my baby is one.

So this is a new kind of birthday and I just get to enjoy it. I'm kind of excited about celebrating this sweet little rainbow baby!