You know what's kind of weird? Having my baby's birthday coming up and not feeling sad and overwhelmed. It's a birthday and I get to fully celebrate it. I don't have to visit a grave. It's a birthday that doesn't double as a death day. A supposed to be the "best day of my life" that was actually the worst day of my life. We have taken to having a little party for Cohen after the actual birthday so that we still get to celebrate him, but his actual birthday will always have some bitter with the sweet. I hate that this is the way it is, but I can't change it. Maybe someday the pain will ease, but for now, it's a difficult day.
This time, we get a little normalcy. I get to think back to the day our little chubby baby entered the world and even though it was a bumpy ride, he was healthy. We got to count his fingers and toes and snuggle and have a baby experience that didn't involve life support and isolettes.
It's kind of crazy to have a birthday coming that I don't have to prepare myself for and send out "this is a bad time of year, bear with me" messages. I don't have to take the week off work or throw myself into projects to stay busy and distracted. This birthday feels different and light and joyful. Well, mostly joyful, I am eating brownies and crying into my pillow that my baby is one.
So this is a new kind of birthday and I just get to enjoy it. I'm kind of excited about celebrating this sweet little rainbow baby!