There Will Be a Day...

Can I be honest for a minute? There are days when I am so tired of grieving. My soul is weary and I don't want to feel this pain anymore. Yes, it's been three years. It still hurts so very much. The first year was the most intense, emotional pain I have ever felt. I walked around in shock and was both numb and also unable to hide my emotions for the most part. 

Now, it's the ache. The ache that comes at night, in the quiet or sometimes during the day when I see my boys playing. The hurt that comes when people don't want to hear our story because we are in fact living out their worst nightmare. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to have this story. I want Carter. I want to be naive. 

Having a child you can only dream about is hard. Really hard and it hurts in big ways. If you're tired of hearing about how much it hurts, I'm tired of feeling how much it hurts. I know why it is so painful, but that doesn't make it any easier. I can't change what happened, I can only hope that I can see the good that will come out of this. And to try and remind myself that someday, I will get to heaven and there will be no more tears or suffering. 

"There Will Be A Day" by Jeremy Camp

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have 
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab 
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth, 
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew 

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings 
That there will be a place with no more suffering 

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears 
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face 
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always 

I know the journey seems so long 
You feel you're walking on your own 
But there has never been a step 
Where you've walked out all alone 

Troubled soul don't lose your heart 
Cause joy and peace he brings 
And the beauty that's in store 
Outweighs the hurt of life's sting 

I can't wait until that day where the very one I've lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I've faced 
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing