Cohen hasn't been feeling very photogenic lately, but he's still pretty darn cute if you ask me. Cohen and I went out for a cookie with Gramma in the morning. Then later we met Daddy in Bellingham for a romantic dinner at Boomers, a burger place. We are greatly enjoying low key holidays!
I was waiting to do our 22 week post until we went in for our ultrasound today. At the beginning of the week, I started to feel what I thought were contractions. They felt eerily similar to the ones I felt with the boys, although less regular. I drank a few big glasses of water and laid down and they seemed to get better. I decided to wait it out and see how I was feeling the next day before I called my OB office. The next day I had a few more so I decided to call. Of course when I called in it was my good doctor friend from my first appointment. But, I already had an appointment scheduled for Friday so I just told them I didn't think I needed to come in sooner but that I wanted to let them know just in case. I may have also hunted down one of my better liked OBs while I was at work and talked to him to make myself feel better. I continued to have more off and on throughout the week but nothing too major. It was hard not to let that fear and worry come up and take me over. Of course I was nervous, but I tried to just carry on and get through until Friday.
We got to our ultrasound today and I was so relieved to see a nice, long closed cervix with no funneling at the top. The baby is back to being breech, which I had already told Danny I suspected based on the amount of kicking I was feeling. I had started taking Ibuprofen earlier in the week to see if it helped the contractions so I can stop that now that we know everything is okay and carry on!
I can't tell you the amount of relief I feel every time we go in and see our baby boy bouncing around and that all is okay. It's like I have this huge weight lifted off my shoulders and I feel like at least until our next appointment gets closer I can breathe a little easier. The every two week appointments are really working out well because it doesn't quite give me enough time to panic in between but enough time that I'm not there constantly. Right now my life is measured in two week increments and it helps me to have an appointment around the corner to focus on.
And so, another good report for the little man. I am so thankful. I told my doctor that I would probably continue to err on the side of caution and he used an analogy that when someone is struck by lightning, they don't expect it to happen again and they hope it doesn't happen again, but it doesn't mean that they don't look up at the sky. We continue to hope and pray for "normal", but we still have that fear in the back of our minds. I'm thankful that so far, it comes and goes and we are able to carry on and work through it.
Carter,
I stopped by your grave the other day and put my finger in your tiny handprints as I always do. I remember when I saw the proof of what your marker would look like, I asked if your hand prints were the correct size. They just seemed too little, smaller than I remember them as I sat in the hospital room trying to memorize every detail of you. To me, you just looked so perfect.
Sometimes I just wish this pain would go away and that I didn't have to feel it every day. But that would mean not knowing and loving you, so I will take the heartache. The pain reminds me how very much I love you and wish you were here. You will always be a very important part of our family.
As I walked away from your grave, I got mad. Sometimes, mommy still has a hard time with wondering why we didn't get to keep you and why this had to happen to us. Your little handprints reminded me that I will never get to hold your hand and walk you down the street, or around the house like your brother loves to do. I love Cohen's little hands. Some days I just sit and look at them. I love when he wraps his little hand around my finger and wants me to go somewhere with him. I want that with you and I will never have that on this earth. I want to see you walk and I want to feel your little hand in mine. I don't know how old you will be when I get to heaven, but I sure hope you aren't too old to hold your mom's hand.
Love you forever.
Mom
Thank you for all your kind words after the post about story time. I'm glad to know that many of you have kids who would have been playing right along with Cohen. I'm not sure where all those kids were that day, but they definitely weren't at story time!
Many of you have asked what we do to help Cohen develop his vestibular/sensory system a little better. For him, it seems to be about his movement. We do a lot of swinging. We actually have a swing in our house, because when you live in the northwest it rains 362 days a year and it's hard to get outside in the winter. So we have a regular outdoor swing attached to a pull up bar in the doorway. This is nice because we can take it down when we aren't using it and it isn't anything permanent. Cohen would literally spend hours in his swing if we let him. I think he likes the sensory input he gets from the movement. Sometimes if he is just super busy and we can't quite get him to focus on anything, we put him in his swing and he just relaxes.
{Cohen has been swinging for quite some time and is now an expert}
Cohen also spent some time doing therapeutic listening. He has cds from his OT that are some kind of special music where certain pitches or sounds are taken out and then added back in. It sounds crazy and distorted but somehow is supposed to help with organization in the brain. We aren't as good about these as we should be because Cohen is supposed to stay within 5 feet of wherever the music is coming from and well, that's pretty impossible unless he is in his swing, which is generally when he listens to it.
{Cohen also gets to ride horses at therapy when it's nice out!}
When he is at therapy, he plays in a lot of different types of swings. The goal is to have him experiencing movement of all kinds back and forth, round and round, and side to side to help him develop the vestibular system (that helps with movement and sensory regulation). He was swinging in a hammock the last time at OT and it was amazing just to see him relax, like almost falling asleep, and focusing on and actually playing with a toy for more than 5 seconds. We are looking at a way to be able to get a swing like this in our house since Cohen is now only going to OT once a month.
{Another type of swing at therapy. If he looks exhausted, he is! It's a lot of hard work for him}
As I've mentioned before, his issues are fairly minor compared to what he could be experiencing because of his prematurity. But, we would still like to take care of them as much as we can early on so that they don't become bigger or ongoing throughout his life. He's been through enough already and we want him to be able to take on life the best he can so we will help him do that however we can.
When I set my alarm I always set it for odd times like 6:06 so that I can get as much sleep as possible, down to the minute.
I went grocery shopping and came back out to the car and found my keys sitting in my unlocked car on the driver's seat. Good thing cars like mine aren't in high demand.
Back when I was a perfect mom, before I had kids, I would never have let my toddler watch TV. Now I think it's cute that heclaps and points when Elmo shows up on Sesame Street.
I was halfway through brushing my teeth when I realized something felt off and that I was using Danny's toothbrush.
I have been dreaming of girl scout cookies and have asked everyone within a 5 mile radius where I can get them. So far I have been unsuccessful.
"Remember how when he was a newborn and..."
I do remember when he was a newborn, but it depends on if you are talking about when he was first born, or when he was a newborn by his adjusted age. And probably, I don't remember how this or that went because we didn't exactly have the newborn experience. I'll admit, I'm a little nervous. Although this isn't my first baby, it will hopefully be more like the actual newborn experience, of which I generally know nothing about.
Hopefully this baby won't require isolettes, breathing tubes, oxygen, feeding tubes etc. But wait, I know how to deal with that stuff. What do I do with a baby that is born on time and does regular baby things? What do I do if I don't have to pull oxygen tubing around the house or worry constantly about whether he is gaining weight? I won't have 4 months to adjust to his schedule and numerous doctors and nurses to help me learn his routine.
I am excited that if this baby cooks the proper amount of time that he will get to wear clothes and eat and I will get to hold him right away. But I don't even know what a tiny baby does at night. For the first 4 months, we left Cohen at night. The first night that we actually got be with him was the first night he came home at 130 days old. I don't even know how to nurse a baby or how often he eats or how I know if he's eating enough.
So, I am feeling a little nervous. Like a first time mom who knows nothing. I feel like I should know more than I do! I'm hoping maybe I know more than I think I do, but I'm not so sure. I guess we'll see how it goes as a pseudo first time mom! I'm so thankful for my very supportive husband and family who I know will help us out. Even if I am a little nervous, I'm excited to hopefully have this "normal" (whatever that is) first time mom with a newborn at home experience.
The other morning we woke up and I could just feel it turning into one of those days. Cohen had gotten up early, was cranky, and was bringing me his coat every 5 minutes to go outside. I decided that in an effort to turn the day around, we would go to storytime at the library. I was nervous that there would be other little kids there and we are trying to avoid that, but it just needed to be done.
We got to the library and Cohen played with toys until it was time for the singing and story time. I kept thinking how wonderful it was going to be for him to get out and be around other kids, and for me to get to be around other moms. And then the story started. The other kids sat nicely with their parents listening and participating. Meanwhile, Cohen was determined to destroy the tape recorder sitting on the table behind the lady with the book. When that didn't work he spotted a flag in the corner and proceeded to point and yell "Oh!" every 5 seconds. Unsure of the etiquette for story time and not wanting to get any dirty looks, I took him to the back where there was a few toys out and let him play thinking maybe he would get his play time in and then be ready to sit for a few minutes.
I have to admit, I was disheartened by the whole thing. I so badly wanted to be able to sit and enjoy a "normal" thing with Cohen and it just wasn't happening. The other parents made it look so easy and here I was struggling to stop my toddler from squirming away, opening doors, throwing toys, yelling, and not paying any attention to the story. I know my perceptions were probably a little off, but Cohen was literally the only baby of various ages not either sitting on a parent's lap listening or sitting on the floor in the circle listening.
As parents, we can find a lot of things to blame ourselves for, and this was one I chose to feel guilty about. Had I not had Cohen around other kids enough? Do I not make him behave well enough? Have I done him a disservice by keeping him out of activities with other babies?
I know not all of those children are perfect and well behaved all of the time and I know that some of Cohen's issues are sensory related, but it was hard. Having Cohen out and around other kids seemed to point out that he was different. And I had a hard time with that. I want to be able to take him out places without him being overstimulated or unable to participate in activities I know he would like. I don't want him to be seen as naughty or misbehaving. I feel guilty for not necessarily knowing how to help him in situations like that, or even at home.
We finally just left out the back door and played on our own in the kids section of the library for awhile. I drowned my sorrows in french fries on the way home as he sat happily contained in his car seat. I know Cohen's residual preemie problems are minor compared to some. I am reminded of that often when I read other blogs or stories and I definitely don't take it for granted. But every parent wants their child to be the best they can and to be able to help them get there. That day, I just felt so lost and like I just didn't know how to be a parent.
And then later that evening, I was reminded of this video. I watched it again and cried the whole way through. Cohen has come so far. Things could have turned out so differently. I am thankful for the good days and the frustrating days because they mean he is here with us.
