Its been a rough couple weeks over here. We've been dealing with some "life" stuff, some kid stuff, and some parenting stuff.
I struggle with knowing how to best parent my children. Advice and just do this or just do thats are everywhere. I struggle with knowing what my busy toddler needs. Where he needs me to be strong and consistent and where he needs me just to let it go.
I struggle with knowing the difference between normal toddler behavior, sensory issues, and the results of being a micropreemie and being in the NICU. I will always carry the guilt of his early birth, the lack of a "normal" infancy, and the problems that have come from his premature birth. Of not being held and cuddled. Of my touch being too much for him to handle. Of not having a breastfeeding relationship. Being surrounded by noise and light and pain. Of losing his twin.
I struggle with knowing what is just "Cohen" being Cohen and what is something I need to look into a little deeper. He is kind and deeply emotional. Sensitive and loving. He's faced more in 2.5 years than some people will go through in a lifetime.
I struggle with doing too little or too much. Of giving him excuses and realizing that some are legitimate. Of pushing him to do his best and letting him just be a little kid that doesn't want to do something. I waffle between worrying about spoiling him and thinking who care if he's a little spoiled!? Before I was a parent, I knew my kids would be well behaved. They would never "get away with" certain things. I would be an amazing parent and have amazing kids. And well, when you actually have kids, you realize it's a little more complicated than that.
I do have amazing kids and I am incredibly proud of them. I want to be the best mom I can be and I think part of that will come when I can be confident in the decisions I am making as a mom. I have a big, big love for my babies and I know that somehow we will get through all of this. I don't think I will ever regret loving my kids as much as possible and parenting them in a way that they never doubt my love for them and that they know that I love them as they are.