Lately

Whew, I need to do better at posting! We've been keeping busy around here. Memorial day weekend snuck up on us so we didn't have any big plans. Danny took Cohen camping for one night while Ezra stayed and Gramma's and I got a night to myself! We had a few plans here and there and we kept busy. We took the boys down to the Children's museum and to a big dinner out at Costco. That's how we roll.

Cohen has been a busy boy too! He has just 2 more weeks of school left so we went in for a meeting with his teachers and therapists. He seems to be doing well and likes going. It's always good to hear from the teachers because all Cohen says about school is "nothing".  We went over his IEP and goals that will continue on to next year.

Cohen also moved into a big boy bed. It was strangely emotional to see him in a real bed, not a toddler bed anymore! From isolette to an actual bed, he looks so little. But he loves his bed and we repeat many, many times a day to the boys that the bed is not for jumping, but they both like to hang out up there. Cohen has also enjoyed telling anyone that will listen that "I'm turning four soon!" and that he wants to have a "farm animal and trucks and tractors birthday party". He is also getting SO good at his riding his balance bike. He has always loved walks, I think it's calming for him, and now he can ride his bike while I push Ezra in the stroller. Ez is usually content to just sit and ride, which is way easier than Cohen speeding down the sidewalk on his bike and Ezra stopping to look at every bug and flower along the way.

Ezra's just been keepin' on being a toddler. He learned the words "no" and "mine" in the same week. He and Cohen fight frequently, but then I hear them over the baby monitor giggling and laughing and talking when no one is watching and it's the best. Love these brothers so much.

(This post will be a little vague. I'm fine with that as we are still digesting a few things. And maybe I'm just not ready to say the words "out loud" yet.) 

I've started to write this post a few times, but it just wasn't happening. We recently found out that Cohen will have some life long challenges in certain areas of his life. It's not the news we were hoping for, but wasn't completely unexpected. It is an answer that we needed, for ourselves as his parents, and to better understand how to help Cohen be the best Cohen he can be.

I've spent a lot of days in tears. I've spent brief moments in the why him area. Thinking about all that he's been through and then to have this on top sometimes just seems unfair. My heart has been heavy for him and what this might mean for his life. But we also know that he as overcome lots of challenges in his life and this probably won't be the last of them.

Having a new diagnosis isn't easy. It's not the "he'll grow out of it, he just needs more time" answer we were still holding out for. No parent wants their child to struggle or to have things be more difficult for them or be seen as "different". It hurts our hearts as parents to know that Cohen will continue to have challenges, but we also know that it doesn't change who Cohen is. Adding a new word to the chart doesn't change his heart, his smile, his love for trains and ramps and dirt. If anything, it changes who we are and gives us more understanding and better resources.

He has faced so many challenges already. The doctors at his appointments mentioned several time that he is resilient, which we absolutely know to be true. We know he isn't one to give up or quit fighting and that he always does things his own way, in his own time. We know that this won't be anything different and that we love him for who he is and we will always fight for him and with him.

Hot Mess

This guy is usually a little bit of a hot mess. He brings so much light and life to us. Always making just enough mischief but maintaining that sweet little grin that you can't resist.

 Everything a little brother should be, a little bit of sass and a little bit of sweet. A playmate and an instigator. Lover of trucks, mud and potato heads. A healer and stealer of our hearts. And always, always a mess. 

And soon to be TWO years old. I can't take it! 

Easter 2015

I'm a little behind, but here are some pictures from our Easter.

This handsome little boy was not pleased when I put this outfit on him. He cried and cried, sorry kid! I really wanted the boys to have bow ties to wear to church so I made them each one a couple nights before Easter, not perfect, but made with love!

Every year we do an Easter egg hunt with the cousins. My sister gets all the eggs ready and we go to a little park in between all of our houses. We had a little picnic and let the kids go "find" eggs, they really just ran around picking up as many as they could since it's just an open field. The boys loved collecting the eggs and stopping to open each one to see if there was candy in it. 

Easter morning we keep pretty simple. The boys each got a stuffed animal and some bubbles. Cohen was so curious how the Easter bunny got into the house. The Easter service at our church is always one of my favorites, we have an Easter choir and they always do a really great job. This is the best picture I could get Easter morning. 

I asked my sister to take some pictures of the boys in their Easter clothes before the egg hunt. I got the boys all dressed up and crossed my fingers that they would cooperate. The pictures turned out SO cute! Don't they clean up nice? They are the sweetest! 

Out for a Walk (again)

We had a pretty mild winter around here, but that doesn't mean that we are still SO ready for spring! We've had a few days of heavy rain and I've been at work so this morning we were all ready to get outside. I took the boys for a nice, long walk with no expectations so they could dilly dally at their own pace.

 Cohen insists on pushing a stroller and Ezra has decided that he needs one as well, which he usually ends up riding in at some point.

They love exploring on this path. It's great because it's paved but also has some woods around it so they can "adventure" and pick up sticks and throw rocks and roll in the dirt a little.

Can someone please tell me how these little boys are growing up so fast!? I just want to hold onto each age and keep them there, but it's also so fun to see how they grow and change.

Fess Up Friday

Fess Up Friday, because it's been too long and I'm sitting around waiting for an appointment...
- One of our chairs is tied to the table leg because that's how strongly we feel about chairs constantly being pushed into the kitchen.
- I laugh (inside) when Ezra says "uh uh" (which means no) when asked to give a kiss/go to bed/pick up toys/say a word. I guess he's practicing his decision making.
- I frequently yell excitedly about passing cars and trucks before realizing the boys aren't in the car
- I feel like i should buy stock in stain removers
- If the boys wake up happy and chatting in their room I leave them in there until it changes because...happy! Contained! Mostly quiet!
- I say some variation of "boys stop" about 60 times a day...BOYS, stop. BOYS, STOP. Boys, STOP! Stop, boys. STOP! BOYS! I probably even say it in my sleep. (They do get better at playing together eventually, right?)

The Sadness

It's been nearly 4 years but I keep circling back to this place. The place of loss and the sadness. At first, it was raw and heart wrenching pain that I never thought possible. Bursting out in tears at expected and unexpected times. In private, in public. Now, it comes in waves, sometimes catching me off guard. I still feel it so deeply, I don't think that will ever change. Sometimes, it amazes me that we, baby loss parents, can still carry on with our lives. I mean, I live every day without one of my children. Every.day. without knowing his smile, hearing his words, feeling his hugs. Every day with that ache in my heart for what will never be in this life.

The quiet moments are usually when it finds me. The still mornings watching the sunrise on my way to work, the song on the radio that always makes me cry, or the nights I stay up too late because I don't want to face the darkness. When I think about how different our lives would be. Sometimes I miss my life before the sadness. I don't think parenthood and sadness generally go hand in hand, but we have never known it differently. There is (lots!) of great joy in being parents, but we don't have experience being Mom and Dad without our grief. I wish I could know it differently. But I can't change what has happened, and so I will keep circling back. I will let myself circle because it matters. The sadness matters because he mattered.