Out for a Walk (again)

We had a pretty mild winter around here, but that doesn't mean that we are still SO ready for spring! We've had a few days of heavy rain and I've been at work so this morning we were all ready to get outside. I took the boys for a nice, long walk with no expectations so they could dilly dally at their own pace.

 Cohen insists on pushing a stroller and Ezra has decided that he needs one as well, which he usually ends up riding in at some point.

They love exploring on this path. It's great because it's paved but also has some woods around it so they can "adventure" and pick up sticks and throw rocks and roll in the dirt a little.

Can someone please tell me how these little boys are growing up so fast!? I just want to hold onto each age and keep them there, but it's also so fun to see how they grow and change.

Fess Up Friday

Fess Up Friday, because it's been too long and I'm sitting around waiting for an appointment...
- One of our chairs is tied to the table leg because that's how strongly we feel about chairs constantly being pushed into the kitchen.
- I laugh (inside) when Ezra says "uh uh" (which means no) when asked to give a kiss/go to bed/pick up toys/say a word. I guess he's practicing his decision making.
- I frequently yell excitedly about passing cars and trucks before realizing the boys aren't in the car
- I feel like i should buy stock in stain removers
- If the boys wake up happy and chatting in their room I leave them in there until it changes because...happy! Contained! Mostly quiet!
- I say some variation of "boys stop" about 60 times a day...BOYS, stop. BOYS, STOP. Boys, STOP! Stop, boys. STOP! BOYS! I probably even say it in my sleep. (They do get better at playing together eventually, right?)

The Sadness

It's been nearly 4 years but I keep circling back to this place. The place of loss and the sadness. At first, it was raw and heart wrenching pain that I never thought possible. Bursting out in tears at expected and unexpected times. In private, in public. Now, it comes in waves, sometimes catching me off guard. I still feel it so deeply, I don't think that will ever change. Sometimes, it amazes me that we, baby loss parents, can still carry on with our lives. I mean, I live every day without one of my children. Every.day. without knowing his smile, hearing his words, feeling his hugs. Every day with that ache in my heart for what will never be in this life.

The quiet moments are usually when it finds me. The still mornings watching the sunrise on my way to work, the song on the radio that always makes me cry, or the nights I stay up too late because I don't want to face the darkness. When I think about how different our lives would be. Sometimes I miss my life before the sadness. I don't think parenthood and sadness generally go hand in hand, but we have never known it differently. There is (lots!) of great joy in being parents, but we don't have experience being Mom and Dad without our grief. I wish I could know it differently. But I can't change what has happened, and so I will keep circling back. I will let myself circle because it matters. The sadness matters because he mattered.

Cohen - 3.5

If I'm in denial that Ezra is almost two, I'm definitely in denial that this guy is almost FOUR!

 My little hero.  He is growing so much. Like (literally) leaps and bounds. Getting more steady on his feet and more confidence in his heart. Always up for adventure.
 
He loves preschool and riding the bus. He loves hanging out with his Auntie and playing with his cousins. Whenever we go somewhere he says "Are my cousins going to be there?". He also loves pushing his shopping cart(s) around, trains and cars. Nearly every day I find our front door mat over the transition from the hardwoods to the carpet in his room and it's the "ramp" for his cars/shopping cart/trains. He also likes to connect and hang things across the house, which we have tried to limit to his room because otherwise the house turns into quite the obstacle course. It's so interesting to see his little mind working to make things happen and then carrying them out.

He is our Mr. Literal and just wants to know about everything about everything. "How does it work? Why does it do that? But why? But why? But why...." One day he was very persistently asking the same question over and over and I said told him to drop it. He said "But Mommy, I don't have anything to drop!" Oh dear...Always keeps us on our toes!

20 Months - Ezra

I lost a few months somewhere, time please slow down! Ezra is now a big, bad 20 month old and well on his way to being TWO. I can't believe it.

 At his 18 month check up he weighed 23 lbs 10.5 oz and was 33 inches tall. He is currently in 18-24 month clothes.

He's still practicing his "strong, silent type" but is gaining a few new words. He loves animals and knows what most of them say although he gets a little confused about the horse and yells "baaa" frequently. He also says "Mama", "wa wa" (water), "up", his famous "yeah" and signs "please" and "all done".

He is just thrilled with big brother using the toilet and I can't tell you how many times a day I have to tell him to get his head out of the toilet (boys, sigh). He is a little daredevil and stands up on his rocking horse, leaps off the couch and runs down the slide.

He also has this sweet little side and he gives the best hugs and snuggles to make up for when he is a little, ahem, ornery. He hates being cut off of food, sent out of the kitchen, and having his diaper changed. Sweet boy also has a little bit of a flair for the dramatic... picture hanging his head into his hands and wailing when he is told "no". We just love this little guy to pieces and are so thankful for what a joy he is in our lives.

Extreme Sliding

I used to love winter and look forward to the cold weather and rain so I could stay inside and read books on the couch. Since having kids (busy kids), I'm more of a spring/summer kind of person. We have been quite pleased with our mild winter and have been trying to get outside pretty much any time it isn't raining.

These boys, they are so full of life and energy and spunk and adventure. My cautious adventurer and my not-afraid-of-anything daredevil.

The boys went outside today for a quick episode of what we call "extreme sliding". Spring, come quickly! 

An Opportunity to Share

I was asked to share a little of our story at church for our Bible study. I said yes and then wondered what had I gotten myself into. What do I have to say? How much should I share? What if I can't actually talk and I just cry the whole time and get snot everywhere?

It got me thinking about all those months we spent in the hospital with Cohen. About our broken dreams and hearts. About the day we buried our Carter and the days we watched Cohen struggle continuously. Those days were hands down the hardest days of my life. They were the days when I wrestled with God, his plans and his will. I questioned why a good God would allow all of this to happen.

But, when I look back on those days, even amidst the struggles and the doubts, those are the days that I felt God's presence so greatly. Even in the darkest days, there was light. Sure I yelled, screamed, kicked my feet and was very angry. But my actions and my situation didn't change who God was. He was my constant as the world crashed down on me. God showed himself to me again and again through circumstances, friends, and strangers. He reminded me that in the midst of tragedy, pain and sorrow, he is still faithful and good.

Our experiences have brought us to a lot of places we never would have imagined and given us opportunities that we wouldn't have had otherwise. Losing a child and walking the road of grief and heartache are incredibly difficult and no one should have to do it alone. We have had many opportunities to share our story, walk alongside, and hopefully soften the road a little for those walking similar journeys.

Although it has been 4 years, it's still a struggle to understand it all. There are still days where the pain feels so fresh and present. We have always been open with our story and our hope is that God can use it for his glory. That there can be beauty out of the ashes and even in tragedy, there is still hope. The hope of heaven and that someday everything will be made perfect and right.

These are some verses and songs that have been rolling around in my head that say it better than I can!

Isaiah 61:3 
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor    and the day of vengeance of our God,to comfort all who mourn,3     and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise    instead of a spirit of despair.They will be called oaks of righteousness,    a planting of the Lord    for the display of his splendor.

Tenth Avenue North - Worn
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn

David Crowder  - Come As You Are
Come out of sadness
From wherever you’ve been
Come broken hearted
Let rescue begin
Come find your mercy
Oh sinner come kneel
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal