Is it Okay to Not Share Our Story?

In the world of baby loss, there are lots of questions and emotions around when is it okay to share our story? There are often feelings of guilt if we say we have 1 child when we really have 2 or we don't mention our angel baby. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, I think it totally depends on the situation and what you feel is right at the time.

Generally, I love talking about my boys. It's a pretty normal thing within my family and close friends to talk about Carter and "the twins". Despite the emotions and feelings of guilt, I have come to notice that there are times when I don't want to share our story. It's not that I don't count Carter as our child, because I do, or that I am ashamed or embarrassed of our story. It's more of the opposite. Sometimes I just get the feeling that the person won't understand or appreciate our boy so it feels more like I am protecting him by not sharing. 

At times, it feels like I am being scrutinized and judged based on how I react when people ask questions or we tell our story. Like maybe we aren't sad enough, or we aren't tearing up, or we act like we miss our boy enough. None of those things will ever be true. We will always miss Carter, but it doesn't mean that we cry every minute of every day (although some days we do). Some days, I don't want to be judged by my emotions or seeming lack thereof. And some days, I just don't want the looks. The looks of pity or the awkward silences. I just want to be a normal person.

The other reason is that although Cohen isn't old enough to understand what's going on now, this is his story too and eventually, in some situations it will be up to him whether he wants to share or not. We will always talk about Carter and he will always know that he has a twin, but I want him to feel like he can choose if it's something he wants to share and when. I also don't want him to feel like he is defined by being a "twinless twin" because he is, but he's also so much more than that. 

There are many times that we will share our story and we will share Carter with other people. What it comes down to is that in my heart, Carter is our boy and he always will be. We will never hide him from the world or act like he didn't exist. But, there are times when it feels as though it's all I can do to protect him and myself by not sharing his story. And I'm okay with it because for me, I know how much I love that boy and that will never change. 

31 Weeks & A Baby Shower

I got to have a baby shower! And it was before the baby came! So exciting. My sister and sister in law threw me a nice little baby shower on Saturday. Things like this generally make me nervous because I don't like everyone watching me, but it was low key and fun and I had a really good time. Baby Ezra got spoiled with lots of new things and even Cohen got a few presents.

Cohen loved all the activity and the food, although he kept asking to go outside. Karen made a cute little book for Ezra and had the guests fill out little pages with guesses for the day he will be born, weight, and things they hope for him. It was a fun little celebration and I can't wait for Ezra to get here to use all his cute stuff.

In other 31 weeks news:
I'm not sure if I just never felt the boys move as much because of their situation (Cohen squished and Carter in a giant pool), or because they were so little still, but man, this kid can move. I love feeling his kicks and rolls and karate chops and it's also very good reassurance. He likes to stay up late at night and keep me awake. I'm starting to feel the 31 weeks and am napping whenever I can. Other than that, things are just moving right along! We are getting very excited to meet this little boy.

 {Mom and my "Mom 2" and their grandsons}

{What's a party without this guy!?}

{LOVE the way this blanket turned out}

Fess Up Friday

I have moved from Girl Scout cookies to Cadbury Creme Eggs. I spend about 20 minutes a day trying to convince Danny to get me some.

It took me three transactions to get through the grocery store in one trip. Once for the groceries. Another for the balloon for Carter I forgot I had tied to the cart. And another for the donut I was clutching in my hand, you know, so it didn't get lost.

I had to google when the third trimester started.

One day after Cohen had dumped his cereal on the floor and was signing "more" I heard myself say "Go eat the ones on the floor" 

I always thought children on leashes were ridiculous and now, I have never wanted one more.

Hello, Spring!

A certain little boy around here is very happy that it's spring time and that summer is coming soon! These pictures are somewhat deceiving because five minutes before this it was absolutely pouring down rain, but we saw the sun come out and had to get out while we good. Such is the weather in Washington. 

A Little Help

I mentioned before that as the time gets closer, I am increasingly nervous about having to have a c-section, more for the emotional aspect that the physical. We are going to try to avoid having a c-section, but there is that possibility. My worry is that laying on that table, even though it's a different one, in a different hospital, will bring back all the feelings and emotions of the boys' delivery. I'm nervous about whether I can make it through without just being knocked out completely, which I really don't want either.

If you are a baby loss or preemie parent, or anyone else who had a traumatic birth, how did you do the second time? Were you in a similar situation? And how did you handle it? I would really love to hear how some of you did with your rainbow baby/next baby. If you are more comfortable emailing me that would be wonderful as well keepingupwiththekimmels@gmail.com 

Thank you!!! 

30 WEEKS

30 weeks has been my goal since the beginning and we MADE it! I could not be happier. I had an appointment on Friday and if you follow us on facebook, you know I failed my first glucose tolerance test but passed my 2 hour one. My one hour results still came back high so my doctor suggested I cut back on carbs. I politely told her that would be cutting out all my favorite foods. But, ya gotta do what ya gotta do.

I have graduated to being a normal person, at least in the pregnancy world. I will now just be checked as they do a regular person from 30 weeks to 40 weeks. I'm still not entirely sure what that means, but apparently I don't have to have more ultrasounds or NSTs unless something comes up and they feel like I need it. I had my fastest appointment ever on Friday. They checked my cervix (still good!) and measured my belly with a tape measure (30 cm). I've never had that done before. It was quite odd to not have any kind of ultrasound or test, but I quite enjoyed it. Other than the carb thing.

I have noticed my emotions becoming a little more...apparent? Here's a brief look inside the brain of a 30 week pregnant post baby loss, post preemie mom.

Anxiety: I am growing increasingly nervous about having to have a c-section. I have been told I'm a very good candidate to have a VBAC, but there is still that chance and it terrifies me. I have frequent dreams about going into preterm labor. I also have crazy thoughts about just having the baby now before something has the chance to happen. I always wonder if the boys would have been born just one or two days earlier if that would have changed anything. With them, it ended up being that the longer they were in there the worse things got (although obviously they also needed to be in as long as possible), so I think that part of it has stuck with me.

Excitement/Anticipation: I can't wait to hopefully have a baby and lay in my hospital bed and snuggle him. And put clothes on him. And introduce him to his big brother. And bring him home. And snuggle him some more.

Tears: Lots of tears. I cry, or think about crying, about just about everything. It probably is a combination of pregnancy hormones, the boys' second birthday coming up, and just all the emotions surrounding this pregnancy and birth.

Denial: There is a part of me that isn't quite ready to acknowledge we will hopefully be bringing home a baby. There is still that little part that says yeah, but what if....what if something goes wrong before he's born? What if something goes wrong at the last minute? What if something goes wrong after he's born? Spare me the lectures, I know I can't focus on it or let it consume me, but there is absolutely no way that I could go an entire pregnancy without the possibility crossing my mind. I have lost a child and those scars and wounds never go away.

Preparation: I've decided that now would probably be a good time to start getting ready. I have lots of things on my to-do list that I want to get done. Just little things like build a fence, pack a hospital bag, find a crib, do my spring cleaning. We'll see how much actually gets done.

And there you have it. I'm excited and nervous and happy and scared.

Weekend Activities

It was another busy weekend over here in the Kimmel household. Friday morning I had a doctor's appointment. Danny got off work early so we could head down to Seattle for our friend Jimmy's birthday. We got a pass for the zoo so we decided to make use of it and stop on our way. The weather forecast wasn't looking good but we decided to chance it and it didn't rain at all! We took Cohen last year but he wasn't quite old enough to "get" it.

I think he will still appreciate it a little more when he's older, but if he could actually see the animals then he liked to look at them. We got to see hippos, a snow leopard, penguins, emus, kangaroos, snakes, fish, and the gorillas. He watched the gorillas for quite awhile, but the resident crows were his favorite.

Since it's the off season the zoo was closing earlier than we thought, I think Cohen would have loved to run around and explore a little more, but it was a good little taste. It was also really nice because there weren't that many people there and Cohen could actually get up close enough to see some of the animals.

From the zoo we went to our friends' house for a diaper change and a quick snack. We went out to dinner for the birthday boy Jimmy. When we got there we found out there was a 45 minute wait. By the time we got to our table Cohen was done. I ordered my food to go, ended up eating it real quick at the table and then taking Cohen back to our friends house for bed. He zonked out right away but decided to get up to play in the middle of the night, as he often does when he's had a very busy day that isn't his normal routine.

Saturday morning we got up made some pancakes and decided to head home. We took Cohen home for a quick power nap and then headed back out for a mini playdate with a few other moms from a local baby loss group. It's always nice to just get together and chat with moms who get it and just get out a few thoughts to people who understand.

We found out my little brother John home from college for a quick visit and the fam was having a pizza dinner at my parents house. So, from the park we went to there house for dinner. We were all tired, especially Cohen, and I wanted him to have a little down time before bed so we didn't stay too long. We came home for a bath, some snuggle time during Elmo, and BED! I'm exhausted and the weekend isn't even over, which I guess is a good thing! We had fun and call me crazy, but I love my down time.