Busy, Busy

You know those seasons in your life where everything feels crazy busy and you feel like you are just holding on until it slows down? I feel like we are in that place right now.

I have been trying to work a few extra days before baby comes which has coincided strangely with multiple meetings and classes at work as well. We are also taking a weekly class at our church. And then there are the OB appts every two weeks.

That on top of the normal housework, grocery shopping, making diapers and trying to plan meals, things have been a little nuts. We are all feeling it and are excited to get to a place where things slow down a bit. Cohen has been glued to my leg the past few days and I'll admit (and Danny will agree) I've been a little cranky. He even cried when we left him with the babysitter for our class. Usually he's practically running out the door to my sister's house or pushing us out the door for someone new to play with.

We are trying to find the balance of getting things in order for baby, working, and of course family. I will be glad when things slow down a little, even if it's only for a short while.

I'm thankful for little moments like these with my boy(s) in the midst of all the busy-ness.

25 Weeks and FOUR days

I woke up this morning, more pregnant than I've ever been!! 25 weeks and FOUR days...Hooray!

Yesterday we got to see this sweet little man over at our favorite perinatologists office. Don't worry, it was just a routine visit to make me feel better and as my mom says "to have a plan but not plan on it". Everything is looking really good and we couldn't be happier. They tried to get a picture of him with the 3D ultrasound but he was moving around too much, surprise surprise. We did get to see one of part of his face and I think he looks like Danny! Baby Ezra is weighing in around 1 lb 14 oz, right in between his brothers who were born at this gestation (Cohen was 1 lb 8 oz, Carter 2 lbs)

{Look at that little nose!}

Since we were down south, we stopped in to visit some of our friends and got a whole bunch of baby boy clothes. We had some saved from Cohen, but I got rid of a lot more than I thought I did, so now I think we are good to go.

I feel like we are finally starting to relax a little more and just take in this pregnancy. We will slowly keep getting things ready as we go and hopefully by the time baby gets here we will be ready. 40 weeks still seems like a loooooooooong time, but I'm okay with it.

25 Weeks and 3 Days

25 weeks and 3 days. The day our world changed forever. Last time, we were in a labor and delivery room after I earned myself a trip there when my water broke. The second day I was there, my water broke again, or more, I'm not really sure. Doctors filed in and out of our room, doing multiple ultrasounds, trying to see what needed to be done. And then they decided it was time. I don't remember much else other than seeing my doctor walk through the door and being so relieved to see a familiar face.

And then there was the strange calm I felt. At the moment when I should have been the most scared about what was coming, I wasn't. All I can say is that I think the Lord somehow granted me that peace in that time that should have been the worst. Danny said he thought it was the calmest he had seen me since going to the hospital.

I think there's another reason, too. As strange as this may sound to some of you, I knew. I knew we weren't coming home with twins. I can't say how or why I knew, but I did. This is something I have admitted to only two other people. Afterall, how can you ever admit out loud that you think your child may die? And as a mother, how can you even fathom the thought that your child may die? When you are a parent you hope and pray for what is best for your child and that generally doesn't include a life without them. I don't remember the exact day I knew, but I remember the day we put up both cribs. I remember the pit I felt in my stomach and how badly I wanted to believe that we would be bringing home both our boys. We only had a couple of matching outfits because I couldn't bring myself to buy any, and of course we didn't have much time.

The days that people told me "don't worry" and "everything will be fine" were the worst. Because deep down in my heart, I knew they wouldn't be. I felt like a terrible person for even having those thoughts. I wished, hoped and prayed I would be wrong. There were days that I was able to push it out of my mind and convince myself that maybe, just maybe, everything really would be okay. Maybe if I believed hard enough and prayed hard enough it would change the outcome.

That day, when I felt that incredible calm and peace, I think partly it was because I knew we were about to find out the answer. The turmoil of wondering whether my worst fears would come true or not were about to be found out. The torture and guilt for even acknowledging the fact that my son may never come home were about to be over.

From those days in earlier weeks when we had to answer the "what do you want done for your children" question, we had always prayed that if the babies weren't going to make it that it would be a clear decision. And thankfully (thankfully?) it was. Carter was too sick and despite the efforts, he wasn't going to live. Somehow, we were spared having to make the decision to keep him alive, or let him go. The things that I knew deep, deep down in my soul came true. It didn't make it any easier. I argued a lot with myself. I felt guilty for having even listened to those thoughts. Maybe I wasn't strong enough, or didn't have enough faith. I wanted my boys so, so badly, with all of my heart. But for reasons that I don't know or understand, it wasn't what God had planned for us. Of course I wish it was different and I also wish that I wouldn't have known. Maybe there is a reason why that I just don't  know yet, I'm not sure.

So here we are, at this same milestone, but in a very different situation. Everything is going well, there is no reason to think that our little Ezra may not be coming home with us. Yet, that fear is still there. Not like it was with the boys, but just sitting there in the back of my mind. I pray that I will be reminded of God's faithfulness, even when I don't understand this life. And today we will be celebrating 25 weeks and 3 days and we hope for many more.

A Who-la?

Danny and I recently met with a doula. I'm not sure I ever really knew what a doula was, but we live near a hippie-ish town with the nickname "Birthingham". So, I've heard about doulas in a moms support group that I am in.

Considering our last experience, I want to do whatever I can to make this a better experience. I've said this before, and often feel a little guilty about it, but the boys' birthday was not the best day of my life.  In fact it was probably the worst. And so, when I heard about a doula and some of the support they can offer, I asked Danny what he thought. He had no idea what a doula was, but wanted me to have what I felt like I needed to have a positive experience.

From my understanding, a doula is basically like a support person. They help make a birth plan and then help remind you (and others) of that plan during labor. As I've mentioned before, we are sort of first time parents even though this isn't our first time. I have no idea what labor is like or what to expect. So, a doula is someone who will have a relationship with us and an understanding of what we hope for during the birth. They can also help out during the actual labor with breathing techniques, positions, etc.

I like the idea of someone I already have an established relationship being there to help out and support us when the baby is born. Since there are no guarantees of who will show up to deliver the baby, it makes me feel more comfortable knowing there will be a familiar face to help me hopefully have the experience we want. I am nervous about the emotional aspect and how many feelings and memories are going to come up. I think it will be beneficial for meI also like the idea that she can be present during a c-section (as long as it isn't an emergency) because I feel like that is the situation where I have the most potential to really struggle emotionally. If Danny left to be with baby, I would still have someone there with me. She can also help to be our voice for things we want like skin to skin right away, or to at least see the baby right away. One of the things I am most nervous about is having another c-section and having the baby taken away and not getting to see him for some reason. I know that will be really hard for me as we never saw or heard anything of our boys when they were born. Hopefully, this time around we will be in a position where we do get to see our baby right away.

Anyway, we are excited about the possibility of having a doula to help us hopefully have the best experience we can. Anyone out there ever had a doula for their birth?

Wordless Tuesday

{Love taking walks with my boy...so much to see}

25 Weeks & A Name!

We have reached our 25 week mark!! It's strange how once you've had a preemie, your mind uses that as a reference for your current experiences.

If we make it to 23 weeks, the baby will be "viable".

If we make it to 25 weeks, we know we can have a preemie that can survive. 

If we make it to 28 weeks that seems pretty "safe". 

If we make it to 30 weeks, that would be amazing!

Obviously, we want a full term baby, there is no question about that. But I guess it's all relative to what we've been through. Danny have talked several times about how if the baby was born at 30 weeks, we feel like we would handle it pretty well. 

It's also strange to me that at this point, our baby boy is inside cooking, but that we know in general what he would look like if he were born right now. How tiny he would be, how thin his skin would be, that he would  require help to breathe, that his eyes would probably still be fused shut, and his sensitivity to lights, sounds, and even his own parents' touch.  

These pictures used to seem so "normal" for me to look at. Of course now I realize they are anything but normal. We are beyond thrilled to still have our baby boy safe and sound, growing on the inside.

Also, I know I said awhile ago that I would post baby's name and then forgot! Baby K3's name will be Ezra Andrew. Danny and I both love the name and decided a few weeks ago that this would be his name. My mom and sister's middle names are both Ann and my dear Gramma's name was Anna, so the Andrew is for them. With the boys, we kept their names a secret from everyone until they were born. I remember telling Danny once things when things were so uncertain that I wanted my babies to have names. At that time though, I wanted it to just be something for us. And I also didn't want to hear about everyone's cousins, sister's, dog's, uncle's who had that name or about the annoying kid in their 3rd grade class with the same name. This time, it feels different. First of all, it is way too unlikely that I would be able to remember to keep it a secret. And secondly, we want to be able to call him by his name. So there you have it!

Ezra Andrew

Fess Up Friday

I have taken to hiding Cohen's shoes and coat because he brings them to me at 7:30 am to go outside and is relentless until we go out, rain, shine, or monsoon.

One morning I woke up and Danny said "Remember that thing you gave to your friend that said 'The bigger the hair the closer to God'...?" Apparently I was very close to God that day.

I like it anytime Cohen snuggles me, even if he is only doing it because he is pooping.

I don't even like beer, but I have found myself saying "I need a beer" multiple times over the last few weeks.

I am planning my day today around getting girl scout cookies.