Fess Up Friday

-It's only 9 am and Ezra has eaten cat food twice and a baby wipe 

- I sometimes dress my babies in totally ridiculous and unpractical clothes just because I think they're cute and want to take their picture

- We bought Cohen Smarties for potty training because I didn't like them and thought I wouldn't eat them. I ate them. A lot of them.

- The day I bought a play yard (giant kid fence) was one of the best days of my life

- Some days I feel like all I'm doing is walking around taking things out of my kids' mouths and hands

- After our recent bout of sickness, I was really excited to go to work

- I only go to superbowl parties for the food

Family Play Day

This was a super busy week for us. One of our big goals for this year is to pay down some of our school loans. We are fortunate in that we really don't have any other kinds of debt (no credit card debt, no car payments, etc). Danny and I both have four year degrees and the super fun loans that generally come along with them.

Anyway, I worked three days this last week, which I haven't done for quite some time. It was hard but we survived. It was a lot of diaper bag packing, kid waking, and missing my boys. That combined with the beautiful, sunny weather we've been having and the last few weeks spent inside while sick, I needed to get out, big time and I wanted to spend time with the family.

We got out of bed, threw down some breakfast, drank our coffee, left the house a disaster and loaded up in the car. Ez took a power nap in the car and then we stopped at the grocery store for some lunch. Our first destination was one of our new favorite places, the local children's museum. Cohen loves it because it isn't super crazy or require a lot of physical skills like a jump around/climbing place. It's more instruments, lights, learning activities, camping setup, stage, farm area, play house, and an art room. It's perfect. It does make me laugh a little because it's in the next city south of us and totally hippie, like compost bin in the farm area, rain barrels in the play house, and a farmer's market instead of grocery store.

{Playing the drums}

{Farmer Ezra in the garden}

{Cohen LOVES this stage}

{"I lay down, take a nap"}

Anyway, we played around at the museum for awhile and then headed out to the park. It was beautiful and sunny out, but the park we were going to was on the water. When we got down that way, it was super foggy. We got there just in time for the train to go by, Cohen was thrilled and terrified (he hated the noise of course) and Ezra slept through the whole thing.

Cohen is never terribly interested in playgrounds if he doesn't have a bigger kid he knows helping him out, so we just went for a little walk to throw some rocks in the water. We spotted a big boat out in the fog and Cohen wanted to go "find em".

We had an awesome morning and Cohen took a giant nap. It was just what my mommy heart needed after a few long weeks of sickness and work. I love getting to spend time with my family. Family time is way better than chore time.

Raising a 2 Year Old

With our recent bout of sickness and Cohen being 2.5, we've had some rough days. He is exerting his new found need for independence, but is also unsure of himself. He will be in bed crying to get up and the minute I get him up, he cries to go back to bed. Repeat x15.

 I have taken up coffee drinking in the last week. Like, real coffee, out of the coffee pot! It has been a test of my patience caring for my two sick boys and having one in the trying stages of 2 year old land. He wants to do things himself but also wants to "see Mommy" constantly. We are learning how to deal with pushing boundaries and getting into discipline issues. We are struggling to handle running away when told to do something, not responding when being told "no" and on and on and on.

My days feel like constant battles. It's tiring. He seems like such a big boy and is learning about independence and how to do more things on his own. But I still have to remind myself that he's just a little boy. He's 2 and a half years old, but he's only 2.5 years old. While he seems like a big boy, he's still learning and growing and changing and I want to support him through this and so many other things to come. I know there are days when I just expect too much out of him. I expect him to be perfect and listen every time. I have to remind myself that he's just a little boy. And I am his mom and he needs me to reassure, support, and encourage him to be more independent and to make decisions that will help him.

I love this 2 year old. We knew we had a strong willed boy on our hands. We learned that the day he was born, full of fight and spunk. But he can always make me smile. Like when I tell him that we need to fix his undies and he says "Go get the screwdriver!" Man I'm thankful for that fight, but it is a challenge!

Ezra - 7 Months

7 months old today! I say this every month, but I can't believe it!

At 7 months:

- Crawling like a big boy when he's not in a hurry, and army crawling when he is
- Pulling up to stand on everything. Most recently, the couch
- Busy, busy, busy
- Loves to chew on cords of any kind
- Generally climbs over the things I try to block him in with
- Eats anything and everything
- Has no teeth, but I think is teething currently
- Is always trying to keep up with his big brother
- Shares a room with his big brother. Oddly, they both sleep so much better this way!
- Is a mommy's boy and is totally spoiled
- 9 month clothes, size 3 diapers

Have Your Cake (& Eat the Batter too!)

Both boys are still under the weather over here in the Kimmel household. Ezra's cold is still lingering but hasn't seemed to bother him in the least, besides being a little cranky. He is still terrorizing the house, getting into everything, and wiping snot everywhere in the process. It seems to have hit Cohen a bit harder with the fever and cough.

Danny and Cohen were snuggling on the couch watching a show and somehow cake came up. Cohen was talking about cake so Danny decided to make him one. He loves that boy so much and Cohen is a total Daddy's boy. Cohen's got a pretty amazing daddy who will make him cake to cheer him up when he's not feeling good.

He even got to lick the beaters and he was in heaven! Cohen didn't quite understand why he had to eat dinner and not just cake. Or that the cake had to bake first, but once it was done he got to eat a (pre-frosted) piece and he was a happy boy.

Here's hoping the cake does the trick and my babies are back on the road to being healthy!

Livin' the Life

Well, I guess it's a good thing I didn't make it a goal to blog more this year! I just seem to struggle to find time in my day to do anything these days. It might have something to do with this (Gasp!)

And this.

Yep. We're around. Just the norm...our laundry folding, car playing, puddle walking, pulling up to stand, wagon pulling, playdate going, coffee drinking, baby cuddling, book reading life.

It's the best.

Normalizing Grief

Grief and sadness are uncomfortable. Nobody wants to talk about it or "go there". Grieving mothers and fathers are often misunderstood or worse, judged. Unfortunately, there is an alarmingly large number of parents facing loss whether through early miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. There are a growing number of programs and support networks for parents, but there is still a long, long way to go. No parent should ever feel like their child's life didn't have meaning or that it shouldn't be grieved or celebrated. And for that reason, I will not stop talking about grief or my son.

The hurt I feel didn't immediately go away in the days and weeks after my child died. It didn't fade when I, along with my husband, lowered that impossibly tiny casket, containing a piece of our hearts, into the ground. When the headstone came, the pain was still there. My sadness didn't disappear at year one or year two. The nights that I cry myself to sleep because I can never hug or kiss my child still exist.

Our children may not physically be here, but we will never forget them. We will never get over the fact that we can't raise them. We are still their parents and they are still our children. When you get emotional at your child's first steps, or sending them off to their first day of kindergartner, or watching them get married, we get emotional too. Our reason is different, however. We get emotional because we don't get to see them, we can only imagine these times.

I want it be okay for a parent to grieve the loss of their child. The goal in expressing grief is not to make others uncomfortable, but to be able to acknowledge our children and the gaping hole left in our hearts from their absence. I want it to be okay for parents to grieve for however long they need to and to express that in ways that will help them heal and not be hurt, intentionally or not, by their loved ones and strangers alike. I won't ask you to stop talking about your child, so please don't ask me to stop talking about mine.

Goals for 2014

I'm not really one for resolutions, but there are some things I want to make a point of working on this year. Some are things I want to get done and some will be an ongoing process.

Make more time. This is kind of a multi-layer one.

Layer one: waste less time. Generally, at the end of the day after the boys are in bed, I plop down on the couch and before I know it an hour or two has passed and I haven't done anything except browse Facebook or watch 2 episodes of Hoarders. By then it's late and I usually still have dishes, laundry, and cleaning to do. I end up wasting my time and then I don't have time to do things that I actually want to do.

Layer two: Get organized. This will involve getting more organized, finding better ways to stay on top of cleaning during the day if possible. That way I can use my time doing things I want to do for me and also be less stressed and enjoy my time with my family.

Layer three: Let it go. Once I've done my best to do what I can, to let it go even if it's not perfect.

Make a t-shirt rug. We need a new rug for the living room but don't have the funds right now. Plus, I love a good project and love the way the look. Find a finished picture here, basically, chop up a bunch of shirts, make yarn, and braid it together and make a rug! I'll let you know how it goes.

Make better eating choices. When I was pregnant with Ez I craved sweet things all the time. I have always liked sweets, but that was too much. I've had a hard time resisting it since then and am working to replace the goodies with fruit and other things that are better for me.

A capsule wardrobe. I've been doing a fair amount of reading about this and I like the idea. I hate going into my closet and not having anything that matches or things that can only be worn for certain things. The idea behind a capsule wardrobe is having a smaller set of quality clothes that can be mixed and matched and mostly worn all together. And maybe wear less sweatpants. Maybe.

Get out more. I have actually started this one already and it's been fun! I've met up with people who have similar interests and it's been awesome to get out, have grown up time with other moms, and have playdates for the kids. There is lots to do and explore in our little neck of the woods and I'm excited to get out and do more as a family.

Go on a family vacation. We usually camp during the summer, even last year with a 2 month old and a 2 year old! The plan is to attempt a trip to the Oregon coast this summer.