Ezra - 2 Years Old

Today our sweet, spunky, a little bit naughty, belly laughing little rainbow baby turned two. So much joy and healing he has brought to our hearts. And gray hairs.

He wears size 24 month/2T clothes, size 6 shoes and size 5 diapers.

He is starting to say more words, his favorites are bonk, hurt, bee, no, mine, water, poop, and peese (please). He also says a few two word sentences like "Mama, hurt" and "Mama, peese"

Ezra is all boy. He loves dirt, tractors, throwing things, trains, cars, the swimming pool and kitties. But he also likes his snuggles, gives good hugs, and always comes for a kiss when he gets "hurt". And he is totally a mama's boy.

Strawberry Pickin'

My sister always plans lots of fun things for summer and we try to tag along when we can. We live in an area where there are lots of berries and we love to take advantage of all the fresh strawberries, raspberries and blueberries! Because of our unusually nice weather, the seasons seem to be a little shorter so we barely got strawberry picking in on time, it was there last day for u-pick!

Ezra loves strawberries and sampled his share along the way, along with some dirt.

Cohen tagged along with his older cousins who showed him how to pick the nice red ones. Cohen was mostly thrilled about finding the "tiny baby strawberries" that were "so cute!". Yep, priorities.

Every good and perfect gift

Comes from Heaven above.

We were blessed with twins

To cherish and love.

Born together, to grow apart;

One in our arms, the other in our Heart.

Four years ago today, my water broke. I had already been moved from my room on the antepartum (sit and wait) unit to L&D because my water had also broken the day before. I hadn't slept in days because the boys were continually on heart monitors (and continually coming off). I remember a number of doctors coming in to do an ultrasound, they would look, speak in quiet voices, go find another person to come and look. It seemed like this went on forever until we were finally told that it was time. The twin to twin transfusion which had been holding steady in the less severe stages had now progressed, Carter looked very sick.

Everything we had gone through over the last six months...tests, more tests, funny lab results, a spot on Cohen's heart, a meeting with geneticists, offers to terminate our pregnancy, suggestions to let one of our babies die so the other could live, weeks of bedrest, weeks in the hospital. This was it. Strangely enough, a calm and peace came over me. I can only say that I know that it was God's presence, that he was holding us in his hands the whole time.

The outcome was not what we wanted, hoped or prayed for. We joined the parenthood club in probably one of the most difficult ways possible. The boys' birthday is not one of the happiest days of my life, it never will be. The days leading up to their birthday are generally the hardest I relive all of those moments. But, generally when the day arrives, I am able to find some peace in remembering our Carter and celebrating Cohen.

As I drove home from picking up balloons, some to tie on Cohen's chair and some for Carter's grave, it hit me that I have never once been sad for Carter that he didn't get to experience this life. The sadness comes that we never got to experience his life. I know that being in God's presence and experiencing heaven is a way, way better experience than anything this life has to offer. And I find comfort in that. And that we also have our sweet, amazing four year old Cohen who we love and treasure and teaches us the meaning of strength and resilience every day.

The Grief Journey - 4 Years Later

Coming up on four years later...it still hurts. I can't say that it's better. All those memories, forever in my heart and brain, spilling out here and there. Still breaking my heart every time. The tears still fall, although maybe not quite as frequently, and my arms still ache to hold him, kiss him goodnight, and send him off to preschool.

We are so blessed to have met our sweet boy, but to have only known him for such a short time feels like a tease. Some days it feels like we didn't just lose him once, but we feel that loss at every birthday, first and last day of preschool and every milestone in between.

I know the emotions are stronger as we approach a milestone that "should have been". I know the waves that feel so strong right now will settle back down again. Sometimes it just feels good to get it out, to say that my heart hurts.