This little space of ours has been a little quiet the last few months. We've been busy...working and playing and surviving and growing. As that time of year of the boys' birthday comes around, I find myself wanting to retreat back to this place that gave me so much support and freedom to share.
Now when I come back though, it feels a little different. I feel a little more guarded and I find myself wondering about the things I shared before. If I spilled too much emotion, if I gave away little pieces of my heart, if I opened myself up to judgment. I'm sure people have judged our journey, but they haven't walked it, so it shouldn't matter right?
A local family recently lost their child on a park outing. This family was facing the worst moment of their life and people felt like they somehow were justified in judging this family publicly on the particulars of the situation, their parenting skills, etc. I can still feel the anger even as I type that (and yes, I did get in a small internet fight about it and persist until the post was taken down because the last thing on earth that family needed was to run across a post piling on the guilt I'm sure they were already feeling). Why do we need to judge other people, what gives us the right (I'm including myself here) to feel like we can criticize and point fingers when we're all just trying to do our best? Maybe having a why for the reason tragedy happens helps ease the pain for others on the outside looking in. Life can change in an instant, crappy things happen, whether you are the best parent in the world or not or whether you "deserve" it or not.
But, oh the judgment. It just really hurts my heart. Maybe that's why I feel more hesitant to share. I've always tried to be open and honest about our journey so that others might understand a little more about the pain of losing a child. By putting my feelings out there maybe someone will have a little more patience, compassion, and understanding for others. But I hear the move on's even if they aren't spoken. I feel the why are you still talking about this? even if it isn't said out loud. Unfortunately for me, and probably for you if you are one of those people, I can't move on and I will always talk about it. I guess when you open yourself up and put yourself out there, or even if you don't, you are risking the judgment and the criticism. But please be kind to each other. Life can change in an instant and I don't think we'll ever look back at life and wish we had been harder on or meaner to each other. I think we will wish we had loved, supported, forgiven and just let each other be more. Sorry for the ramble, just what's on my sensitive heart tonight.
Just be kind. And loving. And keep meanness to yourself. We're all doing the best we can.