Tell the World

I missed a few of the last days of the "Capture Your Grief" series and will attempt to finish them soon. I'm going a little out of order, but here is Day 30 - Tell the World

Day 30. Your Grief – Tell The World What do you want the world to know about this road you are travelling?  Do you just want your baby’s name to be spoken? Do you want others to know they are not alone? Whatever it is, write it down on a piece of paper and hold it up for the world to see! (We will be making a video clip of these images from this particular day!)

I have written about many different aspects of grief on the blog -- the value of a baby even if they aren't here on earth, things we want to hear, things we don't want to hear, how you can support us, and how much all of this has taught us. If I could sum everything up about a grief journey, I think it would be these 2 things:

We have no right to judge anyone's path if we haven't been in that place ourselves. And even then, no two people's journeys are exactly alike. You think you know what you would do in a particular situation, but the truth is, until you find yourself there, you have no idea. Please don't judge anyone's grief journey. Be there to love and support and encourage. 
 

This applies to all of life. Sometimes we can be so quick to judge someone's behavior or attitude, but the truth is, you don't know what's going on in their life. That snippy person in line at the grocery store may be dealing with a life threatening illness of a loved one. That woman that bumped into you and didn't seem to pay attention may be trying to process the loss of her child and where she fits in in the world. Just keep in mind that there are often things going on that we don't put out in the open. There were days I wish I just had a sign above my head explaining all my seemingly strange behaviors. I wanted people to understand that my world had been completely turned upside down and the world I thought I knew how to live in, didn't make any sense anymore. This is a good reminder to me as well. Sometimes I get so caught up in my own business that I think surely no one can be going through something as hard as me. The truth is, there are. In the end, everyone deserves kindness and a little understanding.

Capture Your Grief: Day 22, 23 & 24

Day 22. Place of Care/Birth The place that looked after your you whilst you were pregnant. Share a photo of those who took care of you and your baby. This could be a midwife/doula/friend/partner.

The boys were born at UW in Seattle, 2 hours away from home. I spent a few weeks there on bedrest and then it was our home for the next 4 months while Cohen was in the NICU. 


Day 23. Their Name/Their Photo If you feel comfortable, share a photo of your baby/ies/child/ren who you are remembering this month. If you do not have photos, you could use an ultrasound image or something that represents them.

The sweetest little feet you ever did see. I remember when he was born thinking how big his feet were and how long his toes were. And yet they are so itty bitty. I made one of these for Cohen for his room and I made one for Carter to put in his memory book as well.

Day 24. Siblings This could be done two ways – your could photograph your own siblings and post about how grief has affect them or you can post about your other living children. I know that not everyone has living children but I felt it was important to include the children who are left here to grieve their brothers and sisters. Capture a sibling, niece or nephew’s grief. Maybe you could share a drawing they have done or even just a photo of them holding something that represents their brother or sister that they are missing. Give them a voice here.

Cohen isn't old enough yet for us to know how all of this affects him and how it will play out in his life. We know that we are going to talk about Carter and he will always be a part of our lives. But we don't know how Cohen will choose to handle it all. I wrote a little about raising a twinless twin on a previous blog post.

Capture Your Grief: Day 19 & 20

I am combining these two because they kind of go hand in hand.

Day 19. Project Have you worked on any projects inspired by your loss? They could be anything from an art project to organizing memory boxes for a hospital. If you have not yet done a project you could share something that you would like to work on.
Day 20. Charity/Organization Share your favourite charity or organization that has touched your heart on this road of grief. If you don’t have a photograph to share, just simply post the link to their website!

I bet you can guess what my project is. Yep, Teeny Tears!!  I can't even begin to explain how healing this project has been for me. In case you haven't heard about it, it's a group of volunteers all over the US (and beyond) that help out with some or all of the process of making tiny flannel diapers. The teeny diapers come in 2 sizes and fit babies 18-32 weeks. I would have loved to pick out and put a diaper on Carter. My hope in doing this project is that grieving parents feel the love of someone else who has been there. I hope they feel that their babies are valued and treasured. And I hope it provides them even the tiniest amount of hope and comfort. That is my prayer.

I have felt so loved and supported by all of our friends and family who continually help out with the diapers. There's no way I could do it without you all!!! With just our little group, we have donated 1350 diapers to various local hospitals, organizations, and NILMDTS photographers. And we have another 500+ in the works.

And my favorite charities/organizations are Teeny Tears and NILMDTS. So it all works out pretty well.

Capture Your Grief: Days 17 & 18

Eek, I keep getting a little behind on this project, but here are a few catch up days. 

Day 17. Anniversary/Birthday/Due Dates Share a photo of what you did for your baby/ies/child/rens special day. Did you hide away in bed? Did you have a cake? Did you have a party? What did you do?

 

 For the boys' first birthday, we took balloons and cupcakes to Carter's grave. I read two letters that I had written to the boys and then we let some balloons go. You can read more about it here.

Day 18. Your Family Portrait Take a photo of you with your family, work out a way to incorporate your baby/ies/child/ren who are no longer physically with you anymore. You could hold up photos of them or even just hold their names with you. What does your family look like now? Is it just you left here? Do you have a large family? Is it just you and your partner?

Sadly, this is probably our last whole "family" picture. We went to Maui in March 2011, I was almost 4 months pregnant. In a way it makes me sad to look back at these pictures. We had no idea that in 10 weeks our boys would be born.

 One of my greatest regrets has always been that we never got to get a picture of our boys together. We have pictures of us with Carter and us with Cohen, but none of our boys together. But I am so thankful for the pictures that we do have of this little part of our family.

Community & Waves of Light

It was both beautiful and heartbreaking to see all of the candles for little ones on facebook and blogs yesterday. So many little lives gone far too soon but so wonderful to see all the support for these babies and their families. It's nice to have them acknowledged.

Day 14. Community Our community is so amazing, but with that being said, none of us want to be a member. Share a photo of a community gathering or event that you have attended.

I have to say that my "community" outside of my family, has been found mostly online. There are some parents that are local and that I have met with, but I have come into contact with most of them because of the blog or on facebook somehow. There is an amazing community of parents out there. Parents who I am free to be myself with, whether I'm having a good day or a bad day, they get it. 


Day 15. WAVE of LIGHT Today is October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Light a candle at 7pm to help create a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours. Photograph your light!There were people around the world lighting candles at 7 pm to create a "wave of light". Here is our candle that we lit for Carter and his friends.

Day 16. Release Balloons, lanterns, butterflies, doves.

As I have mentioned before, releasing balloons has kind of been our thing for Carter. On the 4th of July, there were some lanterns released and they were so beautiful and I would like to do that for Carter one day. Maybe on his next birthday.

And speaking of balloons, I just wanted to share this real quick. I was sitting at the computer yesterday and I looked out into our yard and saw a balloon sitting right by the stairs. I thought it was a little weird, so I asked my mom if she had dropped off a balloon. She said she had so I asked her why she left it in the back yard. Turns out she had tied it to one of the pumpkins on our front stairs. I just have this picture in my head of Carter carrying that balloon around the house and putting it in the back yard where he knew I would see it. Such a sweet boy, saying "hi" to his mom.

And lastly, we have a guest post today over at Life After NICU about finding hope in grief. Go check it out! 

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Today we remember all of the babies gone too soon and their families who are living without them.

For Carter and his friends Esther, Sammy, Andy, Dex, Treyton, Parker, Emma and Keaton, Ryan, and Jonathan. If you would like to add your baby(ies) names please feel free to do so in the comments or on our facebook page.

I hope today is a peaceful day to remember your little ones and to share their stories. If you would like to watch Carter's video we made him, it is here.

And to our Carter - not a day goes by that we don't think of you and miss you. We love you with all our hearts and can't wait until we get to see you again!

Capture Your Grief: Day 12- Scents and Day 13 - Signs

Day 12. Scents Do you have a scent that you relate to your baby/ies/child/ren? Is it a candle scent, perfume, food or maybe a flower? Share it with us!

These are the two scents that remind me of my pregnancy. The lotion is some I got when I was first pregnant. I used it every day while I was at home during my pregnancy.

The body wash is one that my mom brought me while I was in the hospital. I begged her to go find me something other than those little hospital bars of soap. I used it while I was in the hospital and while Cohen was in the NICU, it reminds me of being pregnant.


 Day 13. Signs If you believe in signs from your child/ren, share with us an experience you have had.

Last year at all of our family holidays, we let a balloon go for Carter. Each time we let one go, no matter where we were, they would always fly towards our house. Balloons have always been our "signs" for Carter. One day I stopped by the cemetery and I was cleaning up Carter's grave and I picked up a deflated balloon off the ground to drop off in the garbage on my way out. I put the balloon in the car and as I started to drive, it floated up to the ceiling. It stayed up the whole time I was driving, I didn't stop to throw it out. Instead, I took it all the way home with me, enjoying my time thinking of Carter. When I got home, it was still floating around so I let it go and it floated right away. It was like Carter had just stopped to say "hi" and to let me know he was okay. 

Day 11: Supportive Family/Friends

Day 11. Supportive Friends/Family Who has been there for you?

If you've been around here long, you know that we have incredibly supportive family. If I don't say that enough, shame on me. They are wonderful and amazing. We aren't perfect by any means, but we are here for each other.

My mom and sister had their bags packed for the moment I called them and told them it was time for the boys to be born. That night I made the phone call to them I was so relieved that they were coming down. I am so grateful that my mom and my sister Karen got to meet Carter. I will never, ever regret them coming down and getting to meet him. I wish our whole families had gotten to meet him, but it just wasn't realistic at the time.

 Our family has always treated Carter like a real person and has never once made me feel pressured to move on or get over it. And I appreciate that more than any words can ever express. They take flowers and balloons to his grave, they bring Christmas presents for him and remember him in their own little ways and it brings joy to my heart that he is remembered. They have helped us walk this journey and there's no way we could have done it without them. My mom stayed with me in the hospital every.single.night that Danny couldn't be there. My dad took time off after the boys were born to stay down in Seattle with us. Our family made the arrangements for Carter's burial and took care of Carter's headstone. We are so incredibly grateful for each and every one of you! (Danny's parents are a little more camera shy so we don't have many pictures of them)

 {My mom's tattoo - Carter Garen, Forever Loved}

Our friends have also been very supportive. We were the first of our close friends to have children so it was a bit of uncharted territory. A situation like this truly teaches you who your true friends are -- the ones who keep calling, and keep asking, and keep remembering. We are so thankful for our friends and our new friends we've made along the way. Thank you for laughing with us, crying with us, being silent with us, for checking on us, and for giving us grace.

We couldn't have asked for better support from our family, old friends, new friends, church family, and "strangers". This blog has also been a huge support and we are so thankful for all of our friends here as well.

Capture Your Grief: Day 8, 9, 10

I've been a little behind so I'm combining a few posts of Capture Your Grief.





Day 8. Jewelery Do you have a piece of jewelery in memory of your baby/ies/child/ren? Share it!  

I actually have 2 necklaces that were given to me by 2 different friends. I love them both so much. Such a perfect, subtle way to remember both of my boys and always keep them with me.

The round one had a pearl on it that fell off somewhere :( I have two "twin" pearls that I got in Hawaii while I was pregnant that I want to put on the necklace.

The other one was given to me by another baby loss mom. Her little girl lives right next to Carter at the cemetery.

 Day 9. Special Place This could be a place that you visit that brings you peace. Maybe it is a place that you went to when you were pregnant or where your child’s place of rest is.

My special place is Carter's grave. I don't go as often as I would like, but it's really the only place that I feel close to him.

 {The first time we took Cohen to Carter's grave}

 

 Day 10. Symbol Do you have a symbol for your baby/ies/child/ren? It could be a butterfly, dragonfly, a humming-bird, dolphin, seashell, share what it is and why it is so symbolic to you.

I don't know that I really have a symbol for Carter. Whenever we are out walking though I always see those little white butterflies and they make me think of him and I feel like he is there with us. 

Day 7: What to Say

Day 7. What To Say We all talk about the bad things people say to us but we rarely focus on the good that people say to us. Share a tip for those who don’t have any idea on what to say. Write it down – photograph it.

Something that I struggled with for some time was the seemingly insensitive things that people would say. It took me awhile to realize that for the most part, they really, truly meant well....they just didn't know what to say. Since October is the month for raising awareness about pregnancy and infant loss, hopefully these posts have given a little insight into things that may be hurtful to someone who has lost their child (even if you never would have thought it could be hurtful) and maybe some things that would help. You don't have to have the magic words, because there are none. Just be available and even just crying with someone or saying "I'm sorry" goes a long ways. Thank you all for walking this journey with us!!

Day 6: What Not to Say

Day 6. What Not To Say Have you had something terrible said to you in the wake of your loss, write it on a piece of paper – photograph it – vent it.

I wrote a post awhile back about what not to say, which is here. But the challenge for this photo was to write it out to take a picture.

Day 5: Memorial

Day 5. Memorial This could be anything you have had done in memory of your baby/ies/child/ren. It could be their plaque at the cemetery or a tree that has been planted in their memory, anything at all.

One of the things I have done that I am most proud of is these diapers. I have more about the diapers saved up for another post so I won't go into too many details. Yesterday my mom posted this picture on facebook and it made me cry. They went to visit "Heaven's Gate" on their trip to Idaho and she took a little diaper with her to leave for Carter. I have been missing my boy so much over the last week. I have been trying to think of a reason why it got so hard again when I had been having mostly good weeks. I was trying to find a reason for my crying through Bible Study and Cohen's OT. The only conclusion I came to is that I think that living without my Carter is enough of a reason to feel sad and weepy. Man it's hard to live without him.

Thank you Mom, for leaving little tiny diapers at Heaven's Gate for Carter.

 And this is Carter's grave on his first birthday. The little handprints in the top corner are his. The little Peter Rabbit was our way of connecting him with Cohen. We read Peter Rabbit to Cohen all the time in the NICU so when we saw the image, we knew it was the way to bring him together with his twin.

My mom and I also got tattoos last December. Mine is of Carter and Cohen's footprints.

Day 4: Treasured Item

Day 4. Most Treasured Item Something that relates to your baby/ies/child/ren. Maybe it is their hand and foot prints or a photograph. Whatever it is we would love to see it.

I kind of consider all my things of Carter's as my most treasured items. There are so few and they are all so important to me.

If I had to pick one thing that was the most important, I would say it is this little box. It was given to me in the hospital, and it's not so much the box, it's what's inside. Also, see that sticker on the outside? It's the only ID sticker that says "Baby Boy B". We have pages and pages of documents with "Baby Boy A" on them from Cohen's NICU stay, but this is the only one we have of Carter's.

This little box has Carter's handprints, footprints, the tape measure they used to measure my little boy, the ID bracelets he never wore, the pictures the hospital took, the little hat and blanket that he wore, and a tiny gown that he wore.

Day 3: After Loss Self Portrait

Day 3. After Loss Self Portrait Share a photo of you after your loss. Same as yesterday if you would prefer to you can share a drawing/skecth or painting you have done!

It was hard for me to pick a picture for this. How much grief did I want to share? How much of my pain did I want to let others see? I settled for this one. This was taken about a week or so after the boys were born. I don't know who took it or why, but this is how I spent a lot of time those first few weeks when I wasn't with Cohen in the NICU. In my bed at "the home" (our hotel), hugging my empty arms bear, with my cell phone close by in case the NICU called.

I know there are a few others out there who are doing this project. I would love to see others pictures as well so feel free to let me know if you are doing the Capture Your Grief photo series. <3

Day 2: Self Portrait Before Loss

I found this "Capture Your Grief" project as part of October's Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. Feel free to join in, or just read along.

This is me when I was 19 weeks along. This is the last picture I have of me that I don't have horrible (seriously) bedhead from being on bedrest or where I'm not in the hospital. I really don't have very many pictures of me pregnant. Many of the ones I do have I either just rolled out of bed or you can see that I really didn't want my picture taken, we just did it because it's something pregnant people are supposed to do.

 

I also want to share this picture, this is one of the few pictures we have before things started to go wrong. This was part of a very short time in the before stage where we weren't terrified for our boys. This was the day we found out we were having TWINS, I'm glad I have this picture to remember the joy we felt on that day.