Family

You may have started to gather this from reading the blog, but I have a really amazing family. I have 3 brothers, a sister, a brother in law, a sister in law, a niece and 3 nephews. We are far from perfect, but we are there for each other. Our families have gathered around us and supported us in so many ways over this last year. 

My family was so excited about adding twins to the mix of cousins. We were so excited to be adding two little members to the family. When I took the pictures over to Karen's we just started talking about showers and what we would do with two babies and how much fun it was going to be. When I took them to my sister in law Christine's, she immediately took the ultrasound pictures and photocopied them for her fridge. My mom framed the ultrasound picture and put a "2" on the frame. We were all so happy.

My mom came to many of my ultrasounds with me, both when the boys were healthy, and after we found out that we were having problems. She was in the room the day we found out that I was being sent to the hospital. I just remember the silence in the room that day as we all sat wondering what was going to happen to our boys.

We went home to pack up a few things and I just went straight to my bed, layed down, and cried. As Danny was packing, my mom brought me a snack to eat as she knew that I would fall even more apart if I didn't eat before the long drive ahead of us. Danny and my mom were my rocks those next few weeks as I sat in the hospital, full of fear, but trying to hope for the best.

The night we found out that it was time for the boys to be born, I called my mom right away. She picked up Karen and they drove down, probably speeding a little bit. They were waiting in my room as I was wheeled in holding Carter. My mom told my sister just to take lots of pictures of us, and if I asked for them someday, they would be there. And Karen did just that, and we are so thankful to have a few extra pictures of our baby. Mom took Carter and wrapped him up in a blanket from home and we all just sat and cried and talked. We talked about how perfect he was, how long his toes were, and who he looked like. We just couldn't believe he was gone. Danny, Karen, and Mom also got to go and see Cohen, even before I did.

Karen and Mom drove home that night. The next day my Dad came to the hospital and he got to hold Carter, too. I am so, so thankful that some of my family got to hold him, I wish they all could have. I'm glad they got to see how perfect and tiny he was. That he was a real person. My parents got a hotel near the hospital and switched off staying near us to help out. My Dad would go out and find us food while we were still staying in the hospital. They set up our room at "the home" for us to stay in after I was discharged. One night he even walked to Trader Joe's and got us a little feast of frozen dinners and ice cream that we ate at the hospital. My parents made all of the arrangements for Carter, which I am so thankful for. I'm not sure I would have had the strength. I know that's something that no grandparents should ever have to do, but if we couldn't do it ourselves than there is no one else I would rather have do it. I know it was heartbreaking for them and took a lot of courage and strength.

After Danny had to go back to work, my mom and Danny would rotate coming down to stay with me. I wasn't strong or brave enough to be left alone, and they were always by my side. Sleeping on hard as rock twin beds in an old dorm room with a mini fridge. I am so glad that they were there, I could never have done it without my mom being there when Danny wasn't. She was constantly bringing me glasses of water or drinks (since I was trying to pump for Cohen). She would make us real meals in the community kitchen at the home. She would agree to eat ice cream for dinner. She learned how to ride the bus to get back and forth to the hospital. She held me when I cried and told me to keep going when I told her I just didn't think I could do it anymore. She is the reason I actually had clean clothes to wear as she washed countless loads of my (and Cohen's) laundry. Once we were able to hold Cohen she would go in early in the morning and hold him for hours so that I felt like I could have a little break in the mornings and feel like I could take my time without leaving Cohen alone. When Danny and I were both at home sick, she went down to the hospital to be with Cohen. She brought lots of treats for the nurses and staff.

Karen also came to stay with me when my mom or Danny wasn't available. She was the first one besides Danny or I to hold Cohen! I have her to thank for many cute pictures of Cohen. She, too, sat many hours in the NICU with me, keeping me company. Our families celebrated all of Cohen's milestones with us, big or small.

When it was finally time for Cohen to come home, Mom and Karen went and decorated the house. They hung up pictures of Cohen and added some decorations to Cohen's unfinished room. There were decorations on the front lawn and balloons around the house to come home to. It meant a lot to me that they took the time to make that day a celebration for us and that we have those as positive memories. I will never forget driving down our road to see them out on the sidewalk waiting for our arrival.

I will never be able to express in words what my family has meant to me, especially over the last year. I know they have felt our loss deeply, as it was their loss too. I know they grieve not getting to have twins in the family. I know it was hard for them to have to explain to their children that their cousin wouldn't be coming home. I have heard of other families who push their loved ones to move on. I have never once felt that from any member of our families and I am so thankful. No one in our families has tried to brush it under the rug or pretend like it didn't happen and that means the world to us to have our son acknowledged in the way he has been.

So, thank you to my family for picking me back up when I didn't have the strength. Thank you for loving Cohen and Carter. Thank you for loving us as we are. We love you all so, so much and we are very blessed to have all of you.

How to Help a NICU Family

We were helped in so many ways by many people while Cohen was in the NICU. My hope is that by writing out a few of the things that were helpful to us, it may give you ideas of how to help someone else in a similar situation.

Food: Food is always appreciated. Some of my coworkers collected snacks and brought them down to us. This was so great because then I could keep some at the home and some at the NICU. I used them for breakfasts, ate some throughout the day, and gave some to Danny to take home for his lunches.

Meals are also a huge help. Our church brought Danny a meal once a week while I was in the hospital/Cohen was in the NICU. This was really nice for both of us. He liked having real food and I felt a little better that I knew he was at least getting one real meal. Food for the freezer is also awesome. Put meals in disposable dishes or things you don't want back (it's hard to remember what came from where, especially if you aren't home to see who brought what). Some people also brought meals to the hotel for us which was awesome because we were so tired of fast food.

Gift cards to local restaurants or grocery stores.

Gas Cards: Gas was another big expense for us as Danny was driving back and forth to Seattle twice a week.

Help around the house: We had someone from our church offer to mow our lawn over the summer and this was a huge blessing. Danny was barely home and it was one thing he just didn't have to worry about and it was great. If you know the person well, or they are comfortable letting you in their home, offer to clean, take out the garbage, do some housework etc.

Paper plates, plastic silverware, napkins etc if they are away from home. Or even if not, it's nice to not have to do dishes.

Care Package: Some really sweet girls that I went to high school with sent me a care package. It had homemade cookies, a Starbucks gift card, new jammies, a couple of new shirts and a few other things. It seriously made me really happy.

Magazines/Crossword Puzzle books to pass the time

Preemie Clothes: We received some hand me down preemie clothes and some new teeny tiny preemie clothes (made for babies in the NICU) and these were so fun for me. It was nice to have something “normal” to look forward to like dressing my baby.

Kids books: We often felt so helpless when we were with Cohen. There wasn't a lot we could actually do for him. One of the things we found ourselves doing most often was reading him stories. That way he could hear our voices and we could feel like maybe we were doing a little something to help comfort him.

Notes/Cards of Encouragement: The blog and the cards, emails, facebook messages, phone messages etc. were what kept me going, knowing that we were being supported by those around us, friends and strangers alike.

This may be kind of a "duh" thing, but I hope that if you choose to give, you are giving without the expectation of getting anything in return. I would LOVE to be able to send thank you cards to everyone has given to us in any way, big or small. However, I've come to realize that it's just not something I am going to be able to do. So please just know that I am (and they will be) thankful. 

And, just as a final note, when we were going through this, people would always say “Let us know if we can do anything to help” which we so appreciated. However, when you are in the midst of something like having a NICU baby or losing a child, a lot of times you don't know what you need. What was the most helpful for us was when people would suggest something specific like “We will bring you dinner to your house Tuesday night” or “Leave your laundry out, we will come pick it up, wash it, and bring it back”

Thank you to everyone who helped us out in one of these ways or others. We appreciate you so much.

The Stockings are Stuffed

We finally stuffed the stockings last night and we made....47 stockings/gift bags (our original goal was 15)! Amazing! Thank you all SO, SO much for helping out with this project. I wouldn't have been able to do this without all of your help.

Lots of you have asked about the actual delivery of the stockings and we are planning on doing that next week. We were going to take them in closer to Christmas, but as I mentioned before we are trying to make this year as simple and stress free as possible. This has been a really fun project but I am ready to pass them into the next hands.

 

Also, when we go down we will not personally be delivering them to each family. There are a few reasons for this. First, I want to make this as easy as possible for the NICU staff, I don't want to add another thing to their already large workloads. In order for us to deliver them they would have to go around and ask each family if we could be their "guest" in order to give them a stocking. That sounds like a lot of work for them. The other reason, and I'm not sure if this will make sense but I will still try to explain it, is that I just want the families to get a little gift without any strings attached without them feeling like they have to thank us. We were given so much that we will never be able to thank everyone for or repay. This is a way that I can kind of say thank you to all of those who have supported us by hopefully helping someone else out.

{All finished}

Thursday Thank You's

 Ok, I missed last week for my "Thursday Thank You's" so I am making up for it now. I can't keep track of my days anyway, so I am pretending it's Thursday! This thank you is for all the wonderful people that took care of Cohen and I during our hospital stays. I had some really wonderful nurses and doctors who took care of me the 3 weeks I was there before the boys were born and obviously we had some great people who took care of Cohen for the first 4 months of his life.We appreciate all of you so much! (except for the Dr who came in to check my cervix in the middle of the night after I had taken Ambien, I did not appreciate that).

Thank you for taking such good care of me during such a hard time in my life. Thank you for bringing me heating pads for my sore back. Thank you for bringing me sleeping pills at 8:00 pm every night when I just had had enough of the day. Thank you for spending (literally) hours chasing the boys around trying to catch them on the monitors. Thank you for asking the doctors to give me a break so that I could get at least an hour of sleep. Thank you for arranging for me to sit in the jacuzzi tub when you knew I was so uncomfortable. Thank you for giving me a new name band on my birthday so that I got one that said I was 26 years old. Thank you for writing the day and time on my white board when I couldn't keep track.

Thank you for not laughing at my permanent bed head, now that I look at the pictures, those were some pretty bad hair days. Thank you for encouraging me and telling me that I was doing everything I could for my boys. Thank you for being calm when it was time to deliver the boys. Thank you for coming in during the night to do my c-section, I can't tell you how glad I was to have a familiar face that I knew and trusted! Thank you for letting me cry (and cry and cry). Thank you for letting me hold my baby as long as I wanted. Thank you for bringing him a hat to wear. Thank you for holding my hand. Thank you for letting me stay on the antepartum floor instead of moving me to the postpartum floor where mommies actually got to be with their babies.

Thank you for taking care of Cohen. Thank you for staying close by his side. Thank you for going to the doctors on his behalf. Thank you for being there for him when we couldn't. Thank you for explaining things to me over and over and over. Thank you for putting in the world's smallest catheter. Thank you for being excited when he finally peed. Thank you for showing me how to "hold" Cohen in his isolette. Thank you for teaching me how to change his teeny, tiny diapers and to work around his wires and tubes. Thank you for telling me things in a way that we could understand. Thank you for fighting for my baby. Thank you for making him signs and celebrating his milestones with me. Thank you for letting me cry. Thank you for letting me be mad. Thank you for making me grilled cheese sandwiches. Thank you for taking pictures and videos of Cohen and sending them to us the first time we ever left Seattle for a night. Thank you for not judging me when I called 50 times to check on him. Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you for entertaining me in the countless hours I spent in the NICU.

Thank you for telling me that I needed a break and reassuring me that you would take care of Cohen while I was gone. Thank you for being honest. Thank you for snuggling Cohen when we weren't there. Thank you for rocking him, singing to him, and reading him his stories. Thank you for putting on lullabies for him in his room. Thank you for taking pictures. Thank you for listening to my concerns. Thank you for checking on Cohen on your days off. Thank you for letting me show you pictures of Carter. Thank you for making dolphin noises for Cohen, even though they kind of scared him. Thank you for taking care of me as well as Cohen. Thank you for crying with me. Thank you for not letting me throw my pump out the window. Thank you for not letting me throw my pump out the window the second or third time either. Thank you for believing in Cohen. Thank you for being a part of saving his life.

Thankful Thursday

*My very sweet cousin has started a blog to help Cohen. She has such a kind heart. Thanks for helping Joeli! You can click here to see what she is up to.*

*Cohen has 3 appointments at Children's tomorrow morning. He gets an echo to see how his heart is doing, an appointment with his cardiologist, and an appointment with his pulmonologist. Please keep us in your prayers for safe travels and a long day for Cohen. Also pray that his heart looks less enlarged and that his lungs are okay!! Thanks*

It's November and Thanksgiving is coming, so Thursdays are now my Thank You Thursdays. The last little while in our life has been full of ups and downs but we really do have a lot to be thankful for. And since I won't be able to send each and every person who has helped us in some way (although I wish I could!)  I am hoping maybe these posts can serve as a thank you card to all of you that have supported us. This week (and every week) I am thankful for Danny.

When we got married and said our vows "for better or for worse" we had no idea what that would come to mean for us. We were clueless that before our 2 year anniversary we would be facing devastating circumstances and have to make incredibly difficult choices for our family. When we decided to start our family we couldn't have even imagined what the next 9 months would bring. We had visions of happy, bouncing baby boys that we would play out in the yard with and who would run around with their cousins. Instead, we were faced with what will probably be the most incredible challenge of our lives. We feel like we had to grow up about 30 years in the last little while.

Everything we have gone through has just further confirmed to me that I made the right choice. That God brought me Danny for a reason. He has been my strength and has literally held me up at times when I couldn't stand up myself. While I was on bedrest he was in charge of the cooking, cleaning, housework and working his regular job. While I was in the hospital he drove back and forth on his days off, often leaving the hospital in the wee hours of the morning to go to work from Seattle so that I didn't have to be alone. After the boys were born he continued working full time and making many, many trips back and forth to and from Seattle. Most of his time was spent working, driving, or sleeping. I know it was so hard for him to be away from his family during all of this but he was very strong through it all.

Danny lets me be me. He lets me be a goof. He lets me cry. He can always make me laugh. I am quite far from perfect but he never judges or condemns me. He knows who I am and he loves me that way. He is always patient with me when I have my grumpy pants on early in the morning or when I get too hungry. He reminds me of God's truths when I forgot and was overwhelmed by fear or anxiety.

This whole experience has taught us a lot about each other. We have learned that there are things that matter and things that don't. We have learned that we have been through the hardest, most painful thing we could ever think of and we made it through together. We have learned to be extra patient, gracious, and forgiving of each other.

I love you Danny boy, so so much. Thank you for being so strong. You are such a great dad to our boys, I can see it in the way that Cohen looks at you and smiles. Thank you for washing endless numbers of baby bottles and pumpers. Thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for letting me win when we play games.Thank you for working so hard to take care of us. I couldn't ask for anything more. We love you very much!