Graduation

I went in for my postpartum check up at my doctor's office and everything is going well. We talked about pregnancy, delivery, and any potential pregnancies. And get this, I wouldn't have to be considered high risk! I could not have asked for our pregnancy with Ezra to go any better. It's a huge relief to know that we were able to have a full term baby with no complications in the pregnancy.

As she left, my OB gave me a big hug. I felt like we should be celebrating and having a party. We made it! I felt like I was graduating from the land of high risk pregnancies. Of course there is always the potential for a preemie in any pregnancy, but not likely. If we decide to have any more kids, I would have to have a c-section because of some things that came up during Ezra's delivery. But maybe, just maybe, we would get a calm delivery. Maybe? One step at a time, I guess. Normal pregnancy and maybe someday a normal delivery!

40 Weeks

40 Weeks!!!!!

Can you believe it? I can't really either. It's very strange to go from basically crossing my legs, praying against every contraction, and wishing for just one.more.day to being ready for this boy to come out. Being able to be told that it's okay to do things to encourage his arrival (they don't work). And to know that when he is born he won't (Lord willing) require numerous machines, medications, doctors and nurses just to keep him alive. 

But, what an amazing feeling. An amazingly, wonderful feeling.

Everybody asks if I'm miserable and honestly, I'm not. I'm big and I get uncomfortable, but I really am not miserable. I think what I've realized is that I was truly miserable with the boys. I was stuck in bed and I had gained 10 lbs in 2 weeks. Everything hurt. Not to mention the emotional part of it. I had visitors come and I remember just not really even being able to talk to them because I was so miserable (sorry if you came to visit me!!) Compared to that, this really isn't anything. In a week or so I may change my mind if this boy hasn't made his arrival, but right now, it really isn't that bad. 

That said, I ready to meet this fellow! The bags are packed and ready. Any time now baby :) Thank you all for your continued support, we can't tell you how much it means to us. 

Maternity Pictures

With the boys I never got maternity pictures. I wasn't sure it was something I wanted at first, but when we knew the possibility was high that they would be very early, I decided I wanted them. But, we never quite got around to it and now I totally regret it.

So, when my neighbor friend asked if she could take some I agreed. I am not the best subject and generally end up feeling pretty awkward, but I'm glad I did it and she was a good sport to put up with me, especially since she herself was pregnant and went into labor that night! She is pretty awesome and if you want to find her, here is her facebook page! Thanks again, Cat!!

Pregnancy After Loss

Getting pregnant again after a loss, or even a preemie, can be a very difficult and highly personal decision. We have been through almost an entire pregnancy now with our rainbow baby. These are the things that I personally have found helpful in pregnancy after loss.

1. Find a doctor who supports you and will respect your experiences. This is probably the most important thing. If you liked and felt supported by the doctor you had with your loss, it's nice to be able to see them for additional pregnancies because they know what you've been through already.

I mentioned here on the blog the time I went to a new doctor at the same practice I had with the boys. The doctor and I totally didn't connect, I felt judged and unsupported, and I haven't seen this doctor since and I don't feel bad about it. If you have experienced a traumatic pregnancy or birth, whether you lost a baby or had a preemie, there are enough other worries and fears and you need to feel like you have the support of the ones taking care of you and baby.

Your doctor should respect that what you've been through is incredibly difficult and not something that just goes away overnight. There are so many triggers of emotions and memories involved even with going to the same doctor's office. While they should also encourage you and help you see the positive, they should also acknowledge that you will have worries and that you will experience things differently than a "normal" pregnant person.

2. Do what will help you feel the most comfortable and have the least regrets. I have called my doctor's office multiple times over things that I figured were "nothing" but I needed to hear it out loud for the reassurance. If something feels off or you just plain need to know that baby is okay, then do what you need to do.

I was given a doppler by a fellow loss mom and it was a huge help. There are people that don't want to have one in case they aren't able to find the baby's heartbeat or it causes more stress, which is totally understandable. For me, it was the reassurance I needed until I could feel the baby moving.

3. Ask for support. Find a close family member, spouse, or friend that you can go to with your hopes and your fears. Someone that can help you keep perspective but that you can also voice your worries (and your dreams!) to. And do voice them! Anyone who knows what you have been through will understand, to some degree, that this will be a hard, stressful time for you and hopefully support you in that.

4. Take it one day at a time. It's understandably easy to look at the whole pregnancy and to think about what could go wrong and panic. Trust me, I've been there. This quote is one that I repeat to myself often "Worrying does not empty tomorrow of it's troubles, it empties today of it's strength". It's impossible to not ever worry, it's just in our human nature. Go there, voice your worries or write them down, and then focus on the present and getting through that moment.

5. Take things people say with a grain of salt and some forgiveness. Just like when you lost your baby, people will still say silly things that will make you mad, especially in your hormonal state. Don't worry, it won't happen again. Everything is going to be fine, you'll see. These are a few of my least favorites. Our rational brains and some statistics could probably confirm that yes, it is unlikely that it will happen again, but the trauma is there. And really, we don't know that it won't happen again. Our feelings and emotions are forever changed because we've been there and we know what it feels like to love and lose and it is certainly one of my greatest fears that it could happen again.

6. Do your best to connect with baby, even though it's hard. There were many times where I felt like maybe if I just didn't get too attached to the baby that it would be easier if the baby passed away. A friend reminded me to enjoy every day that I was given with the baby, whether it was 2 months or a lifetime.

Pregnancy after a loss is going to be hard no matter what. We bear the scars of something that no one ever imagines going through. We live every day without our children and we know what it feels like and of course we fear that it could happen again. The feelings are very valid and you will experience them. Find people who can support you and help you through. And hopefully, you will get the boring (and exciting in good ways) pregnancy you have always dreamed of!

Anything else you fellow baby loss or preemie parents would add?

37 Weeks - Full Term!

Today is a very special day, you see, we have a FULL TERM baby on our hands (almost)!!! Can I get an Amen and a yahoo!?

 

We've had a pretty low key weekend around here. We were going to go to the zoo on Saturday but then it just seemed like too much work. My parents ended up taking Cohen up to their little campsite to spend the night. From the pictures I got it looked like he had a blast. He got in some "side" time between the torrential downpours. Danny and I got to have a nice little date night and went out for dinner, frozen yogurt, and spent some time in the sun sitting by the water. I didn't realize how much I needed a break until the opportunity was there. Thanks Mom and Dad!!

{This makes me laugh, the story of our lives - Cohen running off in another direction}

I'm still feeling pretty good, although a little bit like an old lady. Things take me much longer and I grunt and make strange noises a lot more when trying to get out of bed/off the couch/out of the car.

We are very excited to meet this little man whenever he decides to get here. It's such a relief knowing that now it's "safe" for him to come. He acts like he is trying to break out, moving and rolling all over the place. He is a very busy boy, much like his brother. Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your prayers, thoughts, support, and stories of your own rainbow babies. We truly appreciate them.

33 Weeks and Nesting?

I don't know if this is what they mean by nesting, but I have definitely been in "get things done" mode. I don't generally actually accomplish much, but I have been at least trying. I cleaned out our junk cabinet, got Ezra a baby book and started filling out what I could, baby laundry is ready, and the hospital bags are half packed.

I am trying to catch up on our scrapbooks before we have another one to start. Looking back at Cohen's pictures from last year is so bittersweet. My baby isn't a baby anymore!! But we also love the stage he is at and how far he has come.

I am feeling better emotionally this week and am starting to feel my 33 weeks physically, especially after two days of work. I have lovely cankles, sock lines on my feet, horrible heartburn and a sore back but am trying to keep things in perspective, it's all worth it. Baby boy is doing less kicking and more rolling. Constant rolling. I keep thinking he must be running out of room but apparently not. Spring has arrived for now and I am starting to be thankful that I won't be pregnant during the summertime :)

No one was around to take my picture so I did the best I could.

{My view...I had to lean over so I could see my toes}

 {And the belly outside}

30 WEEKS

30 weeks has been my goal since the beginning and we MADE it! I could not be happier. I had an appointment on Friday and if you follow us on facebook, you know I failed my first glucose tolerance test but passed my 2 hour one. My one hour results still came back high so my doctor suggested I cut back on carbs. I politely told her that would be cutting out all my favorite foods. But, ya gotta do what ya gotta do.

I have graduated to being a normal person, at least in the pregnancy world. I will now just be checked as they do a regular person from 30 weeks to 40 weeks. I'm still not entirely sure what that means, but apparently I don't have to have more ultrasounds or NSTs unless something comes up and they feel like I need it. I had my fastest appointment ever on Friday. They checked my cervix (still good!) and measured my belly with a tape measure (30 cm). I've never had that done before. It was quite odd to not have any kind of ultrasound or test, but I quite enjoyed it. Other than the carb thing.

I have noticed my emotions becoming a little more...apparent? Here's a brief look inside the brain of a 30 week pregnant post baby loss, post preemie mom.

Anxiety: I am growing increasingly nervous about having to have a c-section. I have been told I'm a very good candidate to have a VBAC, but there is still that chance and it terrifies me. I have frequent dreams about going into preterm labor. I also have crazy thoughts about just having the baby now before something has the chance to happen. I always wonder if the boys would have been born just one or two days earlier if that would have changed anything. With them, it ended up being that the longer they were in there the worse things got (although obviously they also needed to be in as long as possible), so I think that part of it has stuck with me.

Excitement/Anticipation: I can't wait to hopefully have a baby and lay in my hospital bed and snuggle him. And put clothes on him. And introduce him to his big brother. And bring him home. And snuggle him some more.

Tears: Lots of tears. I cry, or think about crying, about just about everything. It probably is a combination of pregnancy hormones, the boys' second birthday coming up, and just all the emotions surrounding this pregnancy and birth.

Denial: There is a part of me that isn't quite ready to acknowledge we will hopefully be bringing home a baby. There is still that little part that says yeah, but what if....what if something goes wrong before he's born? What if something goes wrong at the last minute? What if something goes wrong after he's born? Spare me the lectures, I know I can't focus on it or let it consume me, but there is absolutely no way that I could go an entire pregnancy without the possibility crossing my mind. I have lost a child and those scars and wounds never go away.

Preparation: I've decided that now would probably be a good time to start getting ready. I have lots of things on my to-do list that I want to get done. Just little things like build a fence, pack a hospital bag, find a crib, do my spring cleaning. We'll see how much actually gets done.

And there you have it. I'm excited and nervous and happy and scared.

29 Weeks

Still moving right along! I'm starting to feel large and in charge over here, or at least large. I walked by the mirror one day and I had to go back and look again because I felt like I had grown overnight. I am even outgrowing some of my maternity clothes, which I didn't even think about, I thought they would fit forever.

I barely failed my glucose tolerance test (by 2 points!!!) so I have to do the 3 hour one this week which I'm not too excited about. I tried to put up a fight against my doctor's office about having to do it (it was 2 points!!) but then my guilt got the better of me and I decided I should just suck it up and do it.

It's funny how often I think about doing or not doing something and then thinking about whether I would regret it later on if something happened, like not taking this test. I also try to remind myself of what I would have given to be in this spot with the boys or what other people would give to me in my shoes, pregnant and complaining about a little glucose tolerance test.

Baby Ezra continues to move like crazy and constantly changes position. Most of the time I think I can tell what position he's in my which part of my stomach is moving or getting kicked. It feels weird to have such a "big" baby inside still. I frequently have little baby body parts sticking out that I can feel. I have pretty bad heartburn, so if the old wives tale is true, this baby must have a lot of hair.

We are slowly starting to think about things like getting a crib, what we will do with Cohen when the time comes, and other "practical" things. I even washed a load of tiny baby clothes, just for fun. You know, the things we never really had time to think about before.

Cohen still hasn't really noticed my belly. He still tries to sit on my to read him stories but doesn't realize why it isn't quite working.

That's the pregnancy update, still moving right along, we are almost to the big 3-0 weeks which is just so incredible to me.

Third Trimester

Oh, hello mysterious third trimester!!

I wasn't sure we'd ever get to meet, but here we are. I'm excited (and a little nervous as I've never been here before) to see what you have to bring me.

I'm sure you will bring days of me sitting on the couch eating bon bons, resting of course, while getting my feet massaged. I'm sure I will also have lots of cute maternity clothes that make me look like one of those cute pregnant people instead of looking like a house. I know Cohen will recognize my condition and be on his best behavior and letting me take lots of naps.

Please keep your cankles and swollen feet to yourself. Also, if you could please make sure baby Ezra stays head down and stops changing position every 3 seconds, that would be awesome. 

I know you will be kind to me and not give me any reasons to worry. Right? Right!? Thanks third trimester, I hope we get along well.

Jana

p.s. If any of you have been in the third trimester, please don't ruin my completely reasonable expectations. Thanks!

Day Dreaming

Every morning that I go to work (and I've been there a lot lately) I make the walk from the parking garage over to the surgery center. Every time I take that walk, I pass the childbirth center on my way. Sometimes, I allow myself to do a little daydreaming.

I think about what it would be like to drive up the childbirth center in labor at 40 weeks, park the car, and hurry in. We might forget a few things because we are too excited or nervous. It might be the middle of the night and I have my scary hair. We will call our family and tell them "it's time" and maybe this time our voices will be full of excitement instead of fear.

I frequently see people out in the parking lot chatting. I like to think they are family members waiting for the arrival of a new little life. I think about how I want the first moments to be ours as a little family and then to share our boy with the rest of our family and friends. They will get to hold the baby instead of looking at him sprawled out on a bed with lots of wires and tubes and machines. I will hopefully get to hold my baby instead of having to wait to go see him and even then being so out of it that I couldn't really take it in. There will be joy instead of tears (maybe a few happy tears).

Of course right behind the childbirth center is the helicopter. The one that has taken a few of my friends down to Seattle to deliver babies. Thankfully, I never had to ride in it, but I know what it means. Just sitting back there like a little reminder. However, in my daydreams I like to think about how maybe, just maybe, it will go the way that we want. The fears are still there, but sometimes I like to ignore them and think about how happy things could be, at least in my daydreams and hopefully in real life.

25 Weeks and FOUR days

I woke up this morning, more pregnant than I've ever been!! 25 weeks and FOUR days...Hooray!

Yesterday we got to see this sweet little man over at our favorite perinatologists office. Don't worry, it was just a routine visit to make me feel better and as my mom says "to have a plan but not plan on it". Everything is looking really good and we couldn't be happier. They tried to get a picture of him with the 3D ultrasound but he was moving around too much, surprise surprise. We did get to see one of part of his face and I think he looks like Danny! Baby Ezra is weighing in around 1 lb 14 oz, right in between his brothers who were born at this gestation (Cohen was 1 lb 8 oz, Carter 2 lbs)

{Look at that little nose!}

Since we were down south, we stopped in to visit some of our friends and got a whole bunch of baby boy clothes. We had some saved from Cohen, but I got rid of a lot more than I thought I did, so now I think we are good to go.

I feel like we are finally starting to relax a little more and just take in this pregnancy. We will slowly keep getting things ready as we go and hopefully by the time baby gets here we will be ready. 40 weeks still seems like a loooooooooong time, but I'm okay with it.

25 Weeks and 3 Days

25 weeks and 3 days. The day our world changed forever. Last time, we were in a labor and delivery room after I earned myself a trip there when my water broke. The second day I was there, my water broke again, or more, I'm not really sure. Doctors filed in and out of our room, doing multiple ultrasounds, trying to see what needed to be done. And then they decided it was time. I don't remember much else other than seeing my doctor walk through the door and being so relieved to see a familiar face.

And then there was the strange calm I felt. At the moment when I should have been the most scared about what was coming, I wasn't. All I can say is that I think the Lord somehow granted me that peace in that time that should have been the worst. Danny said he thought it was the calmest he had seen me since going to the hospital.

I think there's another reason, too. As strange as this may sound to some of you, I knew. I knew we weren't coming home with twins. I can't say how or why I knew, but I did. This is something I have admitted to only two other people. Afterall, how can you ever admit out loud that you think your child may die? And as a mother, how can you even fathom the thought that your child may die? When you are a parent you hope and pray for what is best for your child and that generally doesn't include a life without them. I don't remember the exact day I knew, but I remember the day we put up both cribs. I remember the pit I felt in my stomach and how badly I wanted to believe that we would be bringing home both our boys. We only had a couple of matching outfits because I couldn't bring myself to buy any, and of course we didn't have much time.

The days that people told me "don't worry" and "everything will be fine" were the worst. Because deep down in my heart, I knew they wouldn't be. I felt like a terrible person for even having those thoughts. I wished, hoped and prayed I would be wrong. There were days that I was able to push it out of my mind and convince myself that maybe, just maybe, everything really would be okay. Maybe if I believed hard enough and prayed hard enough it would change the outcome.

That day, when I felt that incredible calm and peace, I think partly it was because I knew we were about to find out the answer. The turmoil of wondering whether my worst fears would come true or not were about to be found out. The torture and guilt for even acknowledging the fact that my son may never come home were about to be over.

From those days in earlier weeks when we had to answer the "what do you want done for your children" question, we had always prayed that if the babies weren't going to make it that it would be a clear decision. And thankfully (thankfully?) it was. Carter was too sick and despite the efforts, he wasn't going to live. Somehow, we were spared having to make the decision to keep him alive, or let him go. The things that I knew deep, deep down in my soul came true. It didn't make it any easier. I argued a lot with myself. I felt guilty for having even listened to those thoughts. Maybe I wasn't strong enough, or didn't have enough faith. I wanted my boys so, so badly, with all of my heart. But for reasons that I don't know or understand, it wasn't what God had planned for us. Of course I wish it was different and I also wish that I wouldn't have known. Maybe there is a reason why that I just don't  know yet, I'm not sure.

So here we are, at this same milestone, but in a very different situation. Everything is going well, there is no reason to think that our little Ezra may not be coming home with us. Yet, that fear is still there. Not like it was with the boys, but just sitting there in the back of my mind. I pray that I will be reminded of God's faithfulness, even when I don't understand this life. And today we will be celebrating 25 weeks and 3 days and we hope for many more.

25 Weeks & A Name!

We have reached our 25 week mark!! It's strange how once you've had a preemie, your mind uses that as a reference for your current experiences.

If we make it to 23 weeks, the baby will be "viable".

If we make it to 25 weeks, we know we can have a preemie that can survive. 

If we make it to 28 weeks that seems pretty "safe". 

If we make it to 30 weeks, that would be amazing!

Obviously, we want a full term baby, there is no question about that. But I guess it's all relative to what we've been through. Danny have talked several times about how if the baby was born at 30 weeks, we feel like we would handle it pretty well. 

It's also strange to me that at this point, our baby boy is inside cooking, but that we know in general what he would look like if he were born right now. How tiny he would be, how thin his skin would be, that he would  require help to breathe, that his eyes would probably still be fused shut, and his sensitivity to lights, sounds, and even his own parents' touch.  

These pictures used to seem so "normal" for me to look at. Of course now I realize they are anything but normal. We are beyond thrilled to still have our baby boy safe and sound, growing on the inside.

Also, I know I said awhile ago that I would post baby's name and then forgot! Baby K3's name will be Ezra Andrew. Danny and I both love the name and decided a few weeks ago that this would be his name. My mom and sister's middle names are both Ann and my dear Gramma's name was Anna, so the Andrew is for them. With the boys, we kept their names a secret from everyone until they were born. I remember telling Danny once things when things were so uncertain that I wanted my babies to have names. At that time though, I wanted it to just be something for us. And I also didn't want to hear about everyone's cousins, sister's, dog's, uncle's who had that name or about the annoying kid in their 3rd grade class with the same name. This time, it feels different. First of all, it is way too unlikely that I would be able to remember to keep it a secret. And secondly, we want to be able to call him by his name. So there you have it!

Ezra Andrew

24 Weeks

Another week is here! I couldn't be happier that the weeks seem to be going quickly. It still seems a little odd, and maybe a little bit too good to be true, that everything is going so well. I still can't imagine myself being 40 weeks pregnant. 

This little boy is definitely a mover and a shaker. Sometimes I wonder how he can possibly be moving so much, but I love it. I wouldn't mind if he did it more during the day and less at night though. 

I am feeling pretty good. I notice myself getting tired more easily and not having as much energy. I am pretty much wearing maternity clothes now and have moved up a scrub size at work. My coworkers love to rub my belly which I know some people hate, but I think it's kind of funny. 

Some of you have asked what Cohen thinks about all this. I'm not sure he has any idea what's going on or how his little world will change. All he knows is that my belly button sticks out and he likes to poke it. 

I go in again tomorrow for my 2 week check up and hopefully all will be looking good still! This is the best picture I could get out of my photographer...Next week I will be more pregnant than I've ever been!! 

23 Weeks

Hooray, another week! We have made it to 23 weeks and so far, so good. I was quite nervous after I started having what I thought were contractions but after being reassured that everything still looks good, they must truly be braxton hicks. So here we are, over halfway and we haven't had to have one talk about "viability" or bedrest or what we would do if our baby was born today.

Just for the record, I hate the word viability. I understand it's purpose in the medical community, but as a parent, feeling your baby kicking and seeing it's heartbeat and then being told it's isn't a baby that can be saved is heartbreaking. I will never, ever forget the horrible conversations we had to have every about whether we would choose to save our babies lives or not despite their possible extreme prematurity. I am so incredibly thankful my heart doesn't have to do that again with our baby boy, I'm not sure I could take it.

It's so strange to think about all we had been through at this point with the twins. And that they would be coming in 2 weeks! Part of me will never truly believe that we will make it to 40 weeks. It just seems so long. I have already checked to make sure we still have a few of Cohen's preemie clothes, I have already made lists in my mind of what we would need to do should we get sent to Seattle to have another early baby. I'm just not sure it's something my brain will ever be able to get around. I would be more than happy to admit that I'm wrong if this baby makes it to 40 weeks though!

It's also strange not to be in bedrest or "taking it easy" mode. I still find myself hesitant to go on a walk that seems too far or pick Cohen up if I don't have to. You know, just in case.  I have more to say on the pregnancy brain of someone who has had a preemie and/or experienced loss. But I'll save that for another day. For now, 23 WEEKS!!!

My belly is getting bigger, my pants are getting smaller, I get embarrassingly tired after one flight of stairs and it's harder to put on my shoes. And I love it all.

This is a blanket I made for baby K3. It may or may not have his name on the other side! Stay tuned and maybe you will find out what it is later this week.

22 Weeks

I was waiting to do our 22 week post until we went in for our ultrasound today. At the beginning of the week, I started to feel what I thought were contractions. They felt eerily similar to the ones I felt with the boys, although less regular. I drank a few big glasses of water and laid down and they seemed to get better. I decided to wait it out and see how I was feeling the next day before I called my OB office. The next day I had a few more so I decided to call. Of course when I called in it was my good doctor friend from my first appointment. But, I already had an appointment scheduled for Friday so I just told them I didn't think I needed to come in sooner but that I wanted to let them know just in case. I may have also hunted down one of my better liked OBs while I was at work and talked to him to make myself feel better.  I continued to have more off and on throughout the week but nothing too major. It was hard not to let that fear and worry come up and take me over. Of course I was nervous, but I tried to just carry on and get through until Friday.

We got to our ultrasound today and I was so relieved to see a nice, long closed cervix with no funneling at the top. The baby is back to being breech, which I had already told Danny I suspected based on the amount of kicking I was feeling. I had started taking Ibuprofen earlier in the week to see if it helped the contractions so I can stop that now that we know everything is okay and carry on!

I can't tell you the amount of relief I feel every time we go in and see our baby boy bouncing around and that all is okay. It's like I have this huge weight lifted off my shoulders and I feel like at least until our next appointment gets closer I can breathe a little easier. The every two week appointments are really working out well because it doesn't quite give me enough time to panic in between but enough time that I'm not there constantly. Right now my life is measured in two week increments and it helps me to have an appointment around the corner to focus on.

And so, another good report for the little man. I am so thankful. I told my doctor that I would probably continue to err on the side of caution and he used an analogy that when someone is struck by lightning, they don't expect it to happen again and they hope it doesn't happen again, but it doesn't mean that they don't look up at the sky. We continue to hope and pray for "normal", but we still have that fear in the back of our minds. I'm thankful that so far, it comes and goes and we are able to carry on and work through it.

20 Weeks - Halfway!

20 weeks is here! We are halfway through this pregnancy, which seems so crazy. It totally is different when it's your second and you have an active toddler to keep you busy. The two week checks also seem to make it go by faster.

Our appointment isn't until the end of the week where we will have our big ultrasound, the anatomy scan, and they will of course check my cervix. All seems to be going well so far, but I still have this fear in the back of my mind that one of these days I am going to go in to get checked and find out my cervix is shortening. I try to reassure myself that even if it was shortening, hopefully it would shorten slower this time since I will be growing slower and the pressure on it will be less. I also remind myself that the boys were not delivered because of my continuous contractions or shortening cervix, they were delivered because of the progression of the TTTS.

It seems so strange, but Danny and I were talking about how even if the baby was delivered at 30 weeks that we would feel okay. Obviously we want much longer than that, but we will both breathe a huge sigh of relief when we pass the 25 week mark.

In other news, our baby is the size of a banana! I feel him kicking quite a bit and Danny has gotten to feel him too. I think I've gained around 10 pounds, we'll see at the next doctor's appointment. I have still been craving sweets quite a bit. I also eat a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios at least once a day. And apple juice, I always want apple juice or apples. I have given in to maternity shirts and have discovered a love of leggings. I haven't given in to maternity pants yet but can no longer button (or zip) my regular pants so I'm using the hair tie trick.

It feels good to just write about normal things of pregnancy and feel baby boy kicking as I type, so much different than 20 weeks with the boys. We will be counting down the days until the end of the week when we get to see our boy again and hopefully have another good appointment. Baby K3 is kicking as I type, I think he's saying "Hi and thanks for cheering me on!" (I was going to take a picture but haven't gotten to it yet. I'll add it when Danny gets home.)

The Happy Part

After my last post, I thought I should clarify a little. I am enjoying this pregnancy. Not every single moment is fear and anxiety. I actually have been feeling mostly calm and optimistic. I think the worries come out more on the blog because this is my place to put my feelings into words, whether they are feelings that I feel once a week, or every moment of every day. Even though I spend less time worrying than being happy, the hard thoughts and feelings seem to hold more weight. It helps me to be able to get them out so that I can focus more on the positive parts.

If you are someone who has had a preemie or lost a baby, or even if you haven't, I want to give an accurate picture of what this pregnancy has been like for us. Overall, it has been good. Yes, there is a fair amount of worry and fear and I don't want to downplay that either because it is our reality. But there is also joy at feeling this little baby kicking, and finding out that we are having another boy, and getting to see him on ultrasounds. I have been enjoying that I am finally starting to look a little pregnant and talking to my friends about babies. There is absolutely no way that you can go through what we've been through and not have lingering emotions from it. If you had gone rock climbing and fell off the cliff, you would still be worried the next time you went out. You would be anxious about your ropes and other equipment would support you and keep you safe. When something has failed you, you have to relearn to trust and past experiences greatly shape how that happens.

So, just so you know, I really and truly have been enjoying this pregnancy. We have so much to be thankful for, that so far my body is cooperating and that our little boy is looking healthy. After our last doctor's appointment I convinced Danny to take me to the store so we could pick out a little set of jammies to bring this little boy home in. They are hanging in our living room as my inspiration, just like I did with the boys' onesies in the hospital. It's exciting to think that we could be bringing home a baby boy who would actually fit in newborn clothes! So there you have it. Our journey does contain fear and being cautious with our emotions, but it does also include the joy of a new little boy to add to our family.

{Baby K3's very own football jammies} 

{And of course this little boy..."No mom, I wasn't about to throw the cup off my tray"}

Then and Now

19 Weeks! Each week seems to go by quickly and slowly at the same time. We are in what I call "the danger zone" from 19/20-25 weeks when our world completely changed. We thought we had already been through a few challenges with the ultrasound results that showed that our Baby A may have a genetic problem and were sent to a genetic specialist. We knew that it was unlikely because of our age and health, but we also knew that if our baby had Downs or another genetic problem, it wouldn't change our decision on whether to keep both babies or not. It was never an option to decide not to keep one of our babies. We had no idea that eventually it would be a choice we didn't get to make in the opposite direction. After the genetics scare was the trip to the ER on vacation because I was having severe pain and spent most of our vacation in bed. Then it was talk of a shortening/funneling cervix, contractions, and twin to twin transfusion and eventually being admitted to the hospital.

Aside from the first few issues, most of this happened within a fairly short amount of time, about 5 weeks. Two weeks at home, three weeks in the hospital. But let me tell you, those 3 weeks in the hospital, were the longest of my life. When I think back on it, I'm fairly certain it had to have been longer than only around 20 days in the hospital, but I felt every.single.minute. Every day I laid in that hospital bed, feeling the contractions and feeling totally and completely frustrated and helpless. Trying to hold onto hope but really struggling to feel hopeful at all. There were days when I would literally look at the clock and wait for the next minute to come. It felt like endless days of monitoring, not being able to move for fear of starting all over again with trying to get the babies back on the monitors. Every night at exactly 7:00 pm I would call the nurses in and ask for my sleeping medication. Getting to bedtime was always my goal for the day. There was some relief in making it to the end of the day, but also the reality of doing it all again the next day. We were so thankful for each and every day our boys got to stay inside, but it was incredibly tiring.

And here we sit, approaching "the danger zone". While those days seemed neverending and full of pain and fear, I would do them all again in a heartbeat if that's what it took. I have nightmares about it all happening again. I know everyone says "it's a different pregnancy" and I repeat that to myself often. As we approach these next weeks, I am trying to appreciate each and every quiet moment that I have.  Every day I hope and pray for many, many more because I just don't think I would have the strength to do that again. Here's to hoping to get to continue to be a "normal" pregnant person (well you know, aside from the thousands of ultrasounds).

Mixed Feelings

As we sat in the doctor's office for our appointment the other day, I could hear the muffled talking of the doctor chatting with another patient next door. It instantly brought me back to one of the days where we were waiting to get what we knew was bad news from the doctor with the twins. We had finished our ultrasound and knew something was up but were waiting to hear what it was. The door opened to the room next to us and we could hear the doctor giving another patient our news. He started with saying something about the twins and how the situation wasn't looking the best. We could hear the surprise in the couples voice as they were clearly not expecting twins and were somewhat shocked at the news. They all had a good laugh over the mix up.

And yet, there we sat in the next room, knowing that that was our news. Knowing that the serious tone in the doctor's voice was coming our way  next. And wishing we could laugh it off as a mistake. I clearly remember sitting on the exam table with my head on Danny's chest, so entirely full of fear for my boys. I don't even remember what bad news we got that day as it seems like every appointment held some kind of hard news.

My emotions now are kind of a mixed bag. I still hold my breath through each ultrasound until I see our little boy moving and see that my cervix is long and closed. I wait for bad news. Thankfully, we haven't gotten any. But, my body failed me the last time around and I have to learn to trust it again. I am slowly letting my guard down and I think today was the first day that I have really felt good about this pregnancy and felt like celebrating. It was such a relief to know that everything was as it should be and that we got to be the family laughing and chatting with the doctor.

We will continue to go in every 2 weeks and will continue to hope and pray for routine appointments where we just get to enjoy the little things our baby boy is doing. While it is somewhat of a nuisance to go in so often, I am also glad. Being seen every 2 weeks makes it so that if I start to get ideas in my head that something is wrong, I know I have an appointment coming up soon and that hopefully my fears will be laid to rest to get me through to the next appointment. It's hard to put into words exactly what I'm feeling. Optimistic and excited about this little boy. But also knowing the potential of what could happen. But trying to just enjoy it, one moment at a time. All we really want is for this little boy to get here safely.