39 Weeks (and one day)

I have quite a few things on my mind so this might be a little random...

1) We got the car back from the shop. Sort of. They said there was a part on the transmission that was warped so they replaced it, put the car back together, and took it out for a test drive. It was still making the same noise. They wanted to keep the car and take the transmission apart again to figure out what was wrong. I said no thankyou, we need the car. The guy was really nice and I don't think he was trying to pull anything over on us. He said the car was safe to drive but that he didn't want to give it back to us not completely fixed. I told him our situation and that we just couldn't be without a car anymore (it had been there a week). So, he wants Danny to bring the car back in the next time he is down so that they can finish fixing it. Danny and I were talking about which car he was going to drive down today and I asked him which he would rather have...his tire blow up or his transmission to fall out on the freeway. Such is our life these days! Sometimes all we can do is laugh because if we didn't we would fall apart and walk down the sidewalk crying (again)

2) Thankyou for your comments and emails about book suggestions. I am looking forward to picking some to read.

 {Mom shoved me in my dino jammies yesterday but they were too small! Must be all the cake pops I've been eating...}

3) The contest to guess Cohen's "going home" weight is still going! There really is no prize, but it's fun

4) A Cohen update: He had a good blood gas this morning but the Drs are going to leave him on the 3L high flow through the weekend just to really let him rest and concentrate on growing his lungs.

Anyway, his respiratory rate has been lower than it was and he seems to be breathing a little easier. He has been sleeping quite a bit and having a lot of "quiet" days which we hope means he is using his energy for growing! The nutritionist gave us a graph of his growth and he finally has a nice upward trend. He is finally on the chart! I'm not exactly sure how to read it, she explained it to me, but I forget what it means. I think it means he has finally crossed over the 10th percentile of babies born at his current gestation (39 weeks). I could be off on that, but I think that's what she told me. Some things tend to go in one ear and fall out the other side...

He had another ROP (eye) check yesterday and his eyes are still the same. They haven't gotten worse but they haven't really improved either. He gets another check in 2 weeks and hopefully his eyes will be improving. He also is due for another echo to look at his heart next week. We are hoping that the right side of his heart isn't getting any larger because of the work of pushing blood to his stiff lungs. Maybe it will even be improving and getting smaller.

Cohen's Drs and nurses have said that he probably won't be home for another few weeks to a month. We are planning on him coming home on oxygen and possibly a feeding tube. The way it seems to be looking right now is that if we want him home sooner then he will come home on a feeding tube. He may be able to breastfeed some, but because of his lungs and how much energy it takes for him to nurse or take a bottle, it might be easier to not push him on the feeding and just continue to do some tube feeding. Probably it would be us letting him either nurse or bottle feed as much as he could and then giving him the rest in his tube. But, he still has a little while so who knows what can happen between now and then! We just can't wait to get him home!

5) I think that God really speaks to me through music. I think I first heard this song when I was in college and it makes me cry every time. Especially now that I know Carter is with Jesus...the "fly to Jesus" part makes be bawl because I imagine my little baby flying to be with Jesus.

6)This last week has been hard for me and I think part of it is that I am nearing my due date. 3+ months after our boys were born my due date is finally coming. It's bittersweet. I am so, so thankful for my little miracle baby. Even on the worst of days, when I hold Cohen, it seems like I can keep going. I can take one more step. My due date is a little bitter because it's the day that I should have been welcoming both of my boys into this world. We should have been waiting with anticipation instead of fear. This is not at all how I imagined it would have gone. But, it did. I can't change it. I am trying to rest in the knowledge that this is all still in God's control. It is incredibly amazing to me that God truly does knit babies together in their mothers' wombs. I think that this is just one of the things that really confirms to me that God is real. That he carefully creates each baby, over time, and that even when they are born so early, they are still perfect little beings.

A Contest!

So, after my horrible, no good, very bad day yesterday I decided it's time for something different. The Drs are saying that Cohen may be home in a few weeks to a month (obviously they can't give us an exact date and time...it just depends on Cohen). As you know, he is growing like a weed. Today he weighs 6 lbs 5 oz. I keep telling the nurses he is going to be 10 lbs by the time he goes home! So, I thought it would be fun to have a little contest. Put in your best guess as to how much Cohen will weigh when he goes home! Whoever is closest wins....an autograph from Cohen?

And, just for reference:

June 5 - 1 lb 8oz, 13 inches
July 5 - 1 lb 15 oz
August 5 - 3 lbs 3 oz, 15 inches
Sept 5 - 6 lbs, 18 inches

So go ahead! Guess how much this little pudge will be when he finally gets to go home!

{Passed out after he finished practicing nursing yesterday}

{Hmm...how much will I weigh in a month?}

Mad

I'm mad that our car is still in the shop. I'm mad that it is going to cost an arm and a leg to fix it. I'm mad that we can't quite seem to catch a break. I'm mad that I don't get to be with my husband. I'm mad that I've been living away from home for 4 months. I'm mad that my baby is still weeks away from coming home. I'm mad that I see so many other people that are either pregnant or pushing their happy little babies around in their strollers. I'm mad that they probably don't realize how lucky they are. I want to push my baby in a stroller. I want to push both of my babies in a stroller. I'm mad that I can't just get away and turn off my brain for a week or even a day. I'm mad that I feel like I have nothing left to give to my family. I'm mad that I'm mad.

Little Chub

I'm pretty exhausted tonight. The car is still in the shop. Danny doesn't get to come down until Friday. We wore Cohen out yesterday. Grampa and Auntie Christine got to hold him and Auntie Karen took lots of pictures of him for his birthday. We put him back in his crib and left about 3 yesterday afternoon and when I called to check on him last night he was still asleep. This little chub weighed in at 6 lbs and measured 18 inches long for his 3 month birthday. Does anyone have any suggestions for books on grief/loss? I would love some suggestions if anyone has any.

3 Months - A Letter to Cohen

Dear Cohen,

We can't believe you are 3 months old!! In some ways it feels like you should only be 3 weeks old and in some ways it feels like you should be 3 years old! You are 3 months old and technically, you still haven't reached your due date! When we look back at pictures of your little 1 lb 8 oz self, it's hard to remember that you were ever that small. Small enough to wear your Gramma's wedding ring on your arm. You are our very special miracle.

We are so, so proud of you. We have never known anyone else who has fought as hard as you through so much. I think in a lot of ways we never knew how sick you were until afterwards. We knew you were sick, but we didn't fully comprehend it. But God did. He knew how sick you were and he sent us so many people who prayed and prayed for our family. You are a very loved little boy.
We don't know why this all happened to you and your brother, but we know that you boys have a purpose in this life. You were given to your Mom and Dad for a reason. You and Carter have already taught us so much. We know that you are making a difference in this world already. We can't wait to see what you will do in your life!

We hope you know how much you mean to us and how incredibly grateful we are for you. You and Carter were the best surprise we could have ever asked for. You caused a lot of trouble from the minute we found out about you, but you were both so worth it. We truly believe that God has some big plans for your life. We hope that you always trust in the Lord. Your life hasn't been easy so far, and you will continue to have trials and hard times in your life. Those are the times that you learn the most about yourself and about the God who made you, cares for you, and gave his life for you.

As your Mom and Dad there are so many things that we want for you, things we want you to experience. There are so many things we want to to teach you. We want you to know about your family. About your twin brother. Your Daddy will of course want to teach you about baseball and football. We will make mistakes, so please be patient with us. But most importantly, we want you to know about Jesus. We want you to know that there is someone who loves you more than we ever can. He created you and cares about you. He knows how many hairs are on your head (and if you take after your Mommy, you know that's a lot!) He knows everything that you have and will think, say and do. He loves you no matter what. Of course you will make mistakes, but nothing you ever do will separate you from his love. You are ours and you are His. Forever. We love you so much and we are so thankful for you.

Love,
Mom & Dad

3 Months - A Letter to Carter

To My Baby Boy,

I can't believe it has been 3 months since you entered and left this world. 92 days since we held you in our arms and said hello and goodbye to you. Three months since we counted your perfect fingers and toes and wrapped you up in a little blanket. We showed you off to our family and the nurses took your handprints and footprints. We talked about how you had your daddy's feet and hands. We laughed and we cried. We are so proud of you sweet little boy. You fought hard. You and Cohen are your Dad and Mom's greatest joys in life.  You boys have taught us so much about each other, life, and God. Our lives will never be the same again. For reasons we may never know until we meet the Lord, you didn't get to stay with us. We miss you so, so much. We talk about you often. The other day I was sitting and rocking Cohen and I was thinking about how much you looked like him. Just as I was thinking that, Gramma said it out loud. And as I was agreeing, Cohen got this big smile on his face. Like he knew it too. I bet you two were playing together in his dreams. I sure hope so. We can't wait to tell him all about you.

Your life was short, but you have already made an impact in peoples lives. Especially your Mom and Dad's. You are a very loved little boy. We hope your story is one that can continue to change people's lives. Through you we have learned that God is God no matter what and he is always in control. Through you we have learned that this place is indeed only our temporary home. Your little life has made us long for our eternal life. It has made us so thankful that we have an eternal life to look forward to. It has made us so grateful that we serve a God who has died in our place so that we can live forever with Him (and you!) God has already used you in some big ways, little man.

Our hearts were completely broken that you didn't get to stay with us. But, we know that you are with Jesus and I know that if we asked if you wanted to come back, you wouldn't. I like to imagine you rocking in the arms of Jesus or your Great Gramma (hopefully they take turns!). I like to think about you playing with the angels and dancing on the streets of gold in heaven. Danny thinks you are probably playing a very tiny harp as the angels sing. Although we of course wish you were here with us, we can't imagine you in a better place. We are so thankful that you get to be with Jesus until we can see you again. We love you and miss you so much. You will always be our baby boy and a twin brother to Cohen.

Love,
Mommy & Daddy

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back (Take 17)

Danny and I had a nice night away. We stayed at our friends cabin in North Bend for a night. It was a nice relaxing time playing games and watching movies. Danny and I had been planning to go on a hike but settled for resting and watching Avatar instead. It's been good for us to get away from the hospital together here and there. We of course miss Cohen, but I think for our sanity it's a good thing. The cabin had a Christmas tree up in it (year round) and it made me so happy. For those of you who know me well, you know I LOVE Christmas so I was pretty excited to see that tree :)

We are back at the hospital now and I am watching my boys sleep. Danny holding Cohen in the recliner chair, both boys snoozing away. Cohen had another blood gas this morning and his CO2 was even higher. So, back on the high flow he went. He is back on 3L high flow nasal cannula. Not what we wanted, but what is best for him. Generally, babies on high flow aren't allowed to breastfeed at all, but our nurse put in a request to the Drs while we were gone since Cohen loves to practice eating. So they made an exception and he gets to practice on a "dry breast", so I pump and then let him nurse but he doesn't really get anything, it's just so he can keep practicing. Two steps forward, one step back. This is life in a NICU. I am trying not to let myself get discouraged. I am trying to keep reminding myself of how far Cohen has come. His Drs explained it saying that Cohen has gained weight nicely and his body has grown but now his lungs need to catch up. We are hoping he will just need a few days on the high flow and that he will be back off of it soon. We are getting quite anxious to bring our little man home and be together as a family, but we also know that we need to do what is best for him.

 {Naptime with Dad}

I have a lot on my mind right now. I have had a few cases of the "what ifs". While I let myself wonder about some of the things that happened, I try not to dwell on all of the what ifs. I can't change anything that happens and it wasn't in my control. One of the big things that I have been learning during our experience is that although it's nice that I have plans, they are not always God's plans. Sometimes I think that my plans are better, but then I remember that I am not in charge. I find some reassurance in the fact that there is someone greater than me, who knows better than me, who acts in my best interests. Who does have plans for our lives. I think that God has some pretty special plans for the lives of both of our boys. They have a pretty unique story that I hope can be used in some big ways. We don't know the meaning of all of that we have been through, but I am trying to rest in the knowledge that God has it all in his control.

 {Tiger Bum}

Danny and I were talking tonight about the things that happened the night the boys were born. I was crying and telling him how much I missed Carter. And he said "I will never ask you not to miss him. Because we will always miss him." It was just so nice to hear someone say that I never have to stop missing my baby. Sometimes I feel like there is this pressure to move on and that I start feeling better about it. I dont. And I don't think I will ever be "over" losing Carter. Life will go on and it might get a little bit easier, but I will never stop missing him.