The Yeller

We are still here! Just tired and still adjusting, it seems like that may be going on awhile. Based on Ezra's birth story (coming soon), we knew he was going to give us a run for our money. And he certainly is.

Cohen was such an easy baby personality wise. We used to laugh when he would "cry" because it rarely happened and it was like one little yelp and that was it. Ezra on the other hand, has a set of lungs and isn't afraid to use them. I think he has also inherited his father's stomach capacity and my tendencies toward hanger. The combination of these has led to some long, sleepless, emotional nights. I'm sure Ezra is really doing it for us though, he just wants to make sure we get that "normal" parenting experience. Alright buddy, we got it, feel free to sleep more any time now!

Cohen is getting used to having his "baby" in the house. He hates it when he cries and likes to sit down next to him on his blanket. He likes to give Ezra kisses and tries to snuggle him.

 {Snuggling his baby}

The Reminder

I know things have been a little quiet on the words side of the blog. We are doing some adjusting over here. I have always tried to keep things truthful, so here's the truth: this is hard!

Having a newborn is hard, having a 2 year old is hard, having a newborn and a 2 year old is hard. Some of you will probably laugh, but right now, it's hard.

I also didn't anticipate how emotional I would be and how many wounds bringing home a rainbow baby (baby after loss) would open. I'm sure the hormones and exhaustion don't help. Initially, I thought if I could just get through the pregnancy that the rest would be easy. I was wrong. The pregnancy was hard, but bringing this little fellow home has been harder. We love him to bits and are thankful for him, but it is a painful reminder of the fact that we never got to bring Carter home and of how much I miss him and want him here.

There are a lot of nights where I just cry and cry. I know how "lucky" we are to have a perfectly healthy baby, but I also know how much I wanted to be Carter's mom. How much I wanted to rock him to sleep and change his diapers. Some days it feels like starting back at square one. Like that wound has been ripped wide open and all of those things that I hoped and dreamed for Carter, and lost, are right back in my face.

We love Ezra and Cohen with all of our hearts and we wouldn't trade them for anything in the world, but there will always be a part of our family missing. And this thing called grief never really goes away. It's always there, it just depends how the waves are coming in and right now, they are coming in strong.

Nighttime Adventures

Last night we had our first "adventure" as parents of two.

Ezra woke up around 2 am, ate and refused to go back to sleep. We walked, we bounced, we binky-ed, he was just awake. Three times he fell asleep and then popped open his little peepers the minute we laid him down. Finally, I stuck him in his boppy in between us in bed.

Just as Ezra was settling down we heard Cohen crying over the monitor. Danny got up to check on him and I could hear Cohen trying all his best reasons to get out of bed - "book", "ming" (milk),"guy" (stuffed animal) and finally "eat". He settled on eat as his best chance and repeated it over and over. So, we figured maybe he was actually hungry. We tried bringing some crackers into his room, but nope, he wanted the full eating experience. So we went out into the dining room and put him in his chair to let him eat. Then he pointed at one chair and said "mommy" and pointed at the other chair for Daddy. We were all going to sit down to eat or it didn't count.

When he decided he was done he wanted to play with his truck. By now it was 4 am and I wanted sleep. I carried his truck to his bed and told him he could play with it there. He seemed satisfied with that and we put him back in bed. Danny and I returned to our bed, with Ezra still in the boppy taking up 1/3 of the bed. We figured we would finally get some sleep until we heard Cohen's truck making noises over the monitor. He was pushing the same button over and over.

By this point we were both just laughing, because what else can you do? We had also been up for so long that I was hungry. I got up, peeled Cohen's leftover cheese off the table, ate it and went back to bed. We finally fell asleep laughing and listening to the sound of "Breaker breaker, good buddy" over the baby monitor.

Here's hoping for a nap today!!

{3 am snack} 

One Week

I can't believe it's been a whole week since this little fellow graced us with his presence. I'm pretty sure we've both been asleep for most of that week. We are still taking in the whole process of having a baby, bringing home a newborn, and introducing him to big brother.

Cohen seems to be taking it all in stride. He's been enjoying having visitors come to the house. He likes to give "baby binky" and sometimes tries to give him his cars. We've only had one eye poking event so far which I'm counting as a success.

We are still trying to decide who Ezra looks like. We've compared a few pictures to Cohen's but it's hard to tell since we didn't actually see Cohen's whole face until he was several months old. Ezra is a pretty mellow baby, but he definitely has a set of lungs when he is hungry, which is often. Our tall little fellow hardly fits in his newborn clothes, but I'm trying to squeeze him in some of them before we move up a size (!!!). It's funny to have him be too big for clothes that Cohen didn't wear until he was months old. So different.

We are mostly just hiding out at home, adjusting. Danny has been amazing and I'm so thankful for how much he has taken on so I can rest. He has a few more days off before he goes back to work, I don't know what I will do without him!!

Adjusting to Life as 4

This is all so very strange. We had a baby, and then we brought him home. I haven't had to worry about his feeding tube or whether his oxygen is still hooked up.

I can just sit here and look at my baby. And hold him when I want. And I get to stay with him at night instead of leaving. His cousins can come see him and hold him. So very strange. And completely wonderful.

I'm still working on writing down his birth story. We got a little taste of literally everything that could happen during labor, it seems. But the ending was what we wanted -- a healthy baby. And we got that and we couldn't be happier.

For now we are enjoying our destroyed house, our snuggly baby, and our rambunctious 2 year old who suddenly now seems so old but still as cute as ever. Cohen is adjusting. He got up and scowled that there was someone in his swing, but soon he was putting cars on the tray for Ezra. He has been a little bit more crazy lately, but I think he's just recovering from us being gone and now to having a little baby in his space and we already see that he is going to be a wonderful big brother.

{Sharing cars|

Ezra is Here!

Ezra Andrew was born on Thursday June 20 at 1121 pm. 8 lbs 7 oz, bigger than I was expecting! He is perfect and we are so proud of him. Exciting birth story coming soon! More pictures on Facebook (link on the right of page)

40 Weeks

40 Weeks!!!!!

Can you believe it? I can't really either. It's very strange to go from basically crossing my legs, praying against every contraction, and wishing for just one.more.day to being ready for this boy to come out. Being able to be told that it's okay to do things to encourage his arrival (they don't work). And to know that when he is born he won't (Lord willing) require numerous machines, medications, doctors and nurses just to keep him alive. 

But, what an amazing feeling. An amazingly, wonderful feeling.

Everybody asks if I'm miserable and honestly, I'm not. I'm big and I get uncomfortable, but I really am not miserable. I think what I've realized is that I was truly miserable with the boys. I was stuck in bed and I had gained 10 lbs in 2 weeks. Everything hurt. Not to mention the emotional part of it. I had visitors come and I remember just not really even being able to talk to them because I was so miserable (sorry if you came to visit me!!) Compared to that, this really isn't anything. In a week or so I may change my mind if this boy hasn't made his arrival, but right now, it really isn't that bad. 

That said, I ready to meet this fellow! The bags are packed and ready. Any time now baby :) Thank you all for your continued support, we can't tell you how much it means to us.