A Boy and His Clothes

Cohen got his pictures taken for his birthday (thanks Becky!). I love this one of him with a few of his bitty preemie clothes. It's hard to tell, but that is a little shirt on the far left and it is the first clothes Cohen ever wore at 2 months old. Thank you all for your love and support through this difficult and joyous time in our lives. I can honestly say that while it was  hard, we really do feel like we were able to celebrate our boys. Cohen had a fun time at his party today and we are all exhausted!

Fess Up Friday

Tomorrow is party day! We are pretty excited. Cohen goes in for his one year check up this afternoon and then his auntie and uncle are watching him and Danny and I get to go on a date.

I have one sock that I can't find a match to so I just leave it in the laundry basket and it keeps getting rewashed over and over. It's probably the cleanest sock in the world.

Our vacuum cleaner lives in the bathroom because there isn't room in any of our closets and Cohen licks the wheels if it's in the hallway.

The other day I heard myself telling Cohen that we needed to put his diaper and pants on because it wasn't polite to be naked when guests came over.

Seconds after I posted this, I hopped over the kiddie gate into our room and got the pocket of my pajama shorts stuck on the door handle and tripped. Then I came back to put it on my Fess Up Friday :) 

And, my pinterest confessions. It's like they are in my head! 

A Year of Cohen

One Year of Cohen:

365 days of life
130 days in the NICU
2 PICC lines
2 self extubations
1 lung bleed
30 chest xrays (in June ALONE...I got tired of counting!)
6 echos (+1 before he was born)
2 months on a ventilator
6 months on oxygen
1 horrible, seemingly unheard of skin rash
1 itsy, bitsy catheter
Multiple neonatologists, 1 cardiologist, 1 pulmonologist, 1 opthamologist, 1 pediatrician, and 2 OTs
Too many doctors visits to count
Countless diaper changes and bottles
1 ER visit
1 time barfing in mom's mouth (ew!)

4 teeth (2 top, 2 bottom)
1000s of prayers
1000's of pictures taken
1 camping trip
Went from eating 1.5mL an hour to eating 8 ounce bottles
Gained 16 lbs
4 words - mama, dada, baby, hey 
Went from a preemie diaper folded in half (and it was still too big!) to a size 3 diaper
Learned to roll over, sit up, crawl, and pull up to stand

Whew, that's a lot in one year for one little boy!

Happy First Birthday!

Happy Birthday Cohen & Carter!

A song for my boys

Happy (almost) Birthday Carter!

To my (almost) one year old boy,

Carter, you are an amazing little boy. I never imagined living my life without you. I hope you have had a wonderful first year up in heaven. We wish with all our hearts that we got to see you grow up and learn to sit and crawl and see your first little tooth poking through and hear you say "mama" and "dada" for the first time. How we wish we got to dress you, change your diapers, get you up from naps, feed you your first foods, snuggle while you drank your bottles, and read you stories.

Like Cohen, you too had your own battle to fight. You were so strong and brave and we are so, so proud of you.  We miss you and think of you every single day. We take Cohen to visit your grave and he sits on your headstone and plays with the toys left there for you. We like to think you are sitting in heaven playing along with him.

You have taught us so much in your little life. You have taught us not to take things for granted and to enjoy all the little moments of life because we just don't know how many we will have. You have showed us the importance of slowing down and cherishing the time we have together. You have taught us that there are things worth fighting for and things that are okay to let go.  Through you, it has become so clear to us that this world is not our home. We are simply passing through and I have never longed more for heaven. You have reminded us that God is good, no matter what. Even though things don't go the way we planned or wanted, he is still in control.

I will never forget when they put you in my arms. You were so tiny and perfect. I counted your little fingers and toes. I begged you to open your little eyes. Just minutes before I had heard your heart beating on the monitors while they got me ready for my c-section and then they were telling me that you weren't going to make it. I didn't want to ever let go of you. When you died you took a piece of my heart with you that I will never get back, a space that will never be filled by anyone else. The time I got to spend with you on earth will never be enough and I will always wish I had just one more minute or hour or day or lifetime. Now, I hold you in my heart until the day I can hold you in my arms and make up for all those days without you. I hope when I get to heaven that you aren't too old to rock to sleep. 

We don't know why you didn't get to stay here with us, but we can only trust in the plans of the Lord and lean on the hope of seeing you again one day. Even though we don't get to have you here, you have brought joy and love to our lives and we wouldn't trade that for anything. You will always and forever be our little boy and Cohen's twin brother. We miss you more than words can say.

Happy (almost) Birthday Cohen!

To my (almost) one year old boy,

Cohen, your daddy and I love you so much. I know we tell you all the time, but we do. When you are in your crib sleeping, we lay in bed and talk about how cute you are and how proud of you we are. We talk about all the amazing things you do and how far you have come. It's hard for me to remember how tiny you once were because you are such a big boy now. It seems like ages ago that we once huddled over your isolette just looking at you, in awe of what a little fighter you were and how someone so small could be so perfect. I still remember the very first time I got to hold you when you were just over a week old. They put you in my arms and I couldn't stop looking at you, my incredibly teeny, perfect baby. I wanted to hold you forever and take away all your pain and struggles, but I couldn't. That was a battle you had to fight, and fight you did. You are such a strong, persevering little boy and I know that will serve you well in this life.

I didn't know I could ever love a little boy as much as I love you. You are adorable with a hint of troublemaker and have your own little sense of humor. You have always smiled at appropriate times like you understood whatever joke or funny thing we were saying. You want to do and see and touch everything right now and we love that about you (although it wears us out)! You seem to capture the hearts of everyone who meets you with your little personality and your one dimpled, toothy smile.

You have also taught us so much. You have shown us what it means to fight and persevere against all odds. You have shown us over and over not to tell you that you can't do something. You have reminded us how to laugh and love after such incredible loss and pain. You are exactly what we need to help us keep living despite the loss of Carter. You are such a blessing and we are so incredibly thankful for you. 

We wish with all our hearts that you had gotten to grow up with your brother. We joke with people that you seem to have the energy of two because I think you are experiencing this life for yourself and for Carter. I know it will be a great reunion when you two get to be together again.

Happy First Birthday!! We are so proud of how far you have come and don't take any of your accomplishments for granted. We thank God for you every single day and we can't wait to see He has in store for you. You are an amazing little boy and we love you!

Birthday

I'm trying to play catch up on a few things, I finally finished our camping trip and then my birthday was shortly after that.

Usually we are eastern WA on our camping trip on my birthday weekend, but this year we were home to celebrate. The boys took good care of me for my birthday. They disappeared and came back with flowers and the salad, bread, and ice cream that are my favorites. They know the way to my heart.

Danny made me a birthday cake from scratch and I made the frosting and it turned out very good. I did have to put the sprinkles on myself and all we had was Christmas ones, but Christmas is my favorite holiday so it was win-win.

The boys took me shopping for a new pair of shoes. Turns out the store in the mall that sells TOMS went out of business. It was a sad day, but I got a pair of flip flops to make up for it. Once we were all exhausted we went home I got to take a nap.  My parents came over in the evening for cake and Cohen got in a little practice for his upcoming party. I don't actually have any pictures of myself on my birthday, but I guess that's what happens when you get old! I am in denial that I am getting older and I've been re-turning 25 for the last 2 years.