We attempted to take a few pictures of the boys for Gramma for Christmas. Ezra was feelin' the baby modeling. I told him to go stand up against the fence and the second picture is what he did. His first model pose. 

Cohen - 4.5 years old

This boy...he's getting so grown up and so smart. He's working on all kinds of things and making great progress at them. He is Mr. Serious and Literal who insists that we are NOT allowed to say "Say cheese" when taking a picture because cheese is a food in the refrigerator. A

nd also Mr. Goofball who likes toot noises and silly faces.

I thought I would ask him a few things and see what he said...He yelled these all back from the bathroom.

What's your favorite color? White and brown and grey and black

What's your favorite food? Mac and cheese

Why don't you sleep at night? Because...it's because...I don't like to sleep at night.

What's your favorite animal? Horses.

What's your favorite toy? My animals.

What's your favorite number? 9. (always 9 - When playing hide and seek he insists on counting to exactly 9, never more or less).

What's your favorite thing about Daddy? Playing.

What's your favorite thing about Mommy? I like to play with Daddy. (alrighty then).

What's your favorite thing about Ezra? Playing with him. I like to play big rigs.

Do you like school? No. 

What's your favorite book? Poop book. (Look inside your body book)

What are you going to be when you grow up? A man.

What are you doing in there? We're just cleaning the bathroom...

We interrupt this interview to see what kind of disaster "cleaning the bathroom" means.  

Oh, Christmas Tree 2015!

The Saturday after getting home from Utah, we went for my sister and sister in law's birthday breakfast and then Christmas tree hunting. Cohen wanted all the tiny trees (and tried to pull them out like big weeds, his summer fascination)

 

The boys LOVED riding in the wagon, I wish the next one wasn't blurry, they were loving it!

And then they couldn't wait to get home to decorate it! The biggest tree we've had in our little house in years! 

Teeny Tears Headquarters Trip

This past week, I got the chance to take the trip of a lifetime! We hopped on a plane and headed to Utah to meet THE ladies behind Teeny Tears, the diaper organization who has played such an important role in my life over the last 4 years. Originally, my mom made plans to go, asked me if I wanted to go, I didn't think there was any way I would be able to get away. BUT, thanks to my wonderful family and friends, we were able to work it out. But we kept it a surprise for Megan, who had NO idea I was coming. Her reaction was so worth it, she was definitely surprised. One of the best surprises ever.

(Diaper example)

We got to spend a few days with Megan and Vanessa, the ringleaders of Teeny Tears seeing all the "behind the scenes" stuff and helping them out with a few things. While we were there, they held a diaper party and there were several people that we "knew" online that we got to meet in person. It was such a special, encouraging day. I also got to meet another fellow TTTS mom that I knew but had never met. We processed 1000 diapers and made 2500+ tiny hats!

I also got to meet THIS amazing little fellow. Megan's son, a fellow TTTS surviving twin, just like Cohen. This kid is a fighter, through and through. I love him to pieces and may have shed a few tears when he popped through the door after school.

I give these ladies and tiny diapers a lot of credit for helping me keep my sanity over the 4 years. At a time when I could have fallen into a dark hole that I would have struggled to get out of, I threw myself into late night emails to Megan dreaming about how we could diaper the whole world. I sewed many tiny diapers to mail out. I found something productive and positive to do with my grief and love for Carter. I also found hope and friends who had walked similar paths.

As we found ourselves saying ALL week "Teeny Tears is about so much more than diapers". It's about healing and hope and community. In a world that can seem so dark these days, it's so great to know this group of amazing people exists that want to help make things just a little better for families in an incredibly difficult time. Many of the volunteers making diapers (and hats and blankets) are baby loss parents, grandparents, aunties etc. Some of them found the project after they themselves received a diaper and came to the group to start making them themselves. It's amazing what Teeny Tears has grown into.

It was so, so great to get to meet these ladies in person. It sounded a little crazy to jump on a plane and go meet our "internet friends", but I'm so, so glad that I was able to go. One of the best trips of my life. It feels a little bit like leaving summer camp and hoping and praying you get a chance to see your friends again someday.

Picture Drawings

It seems like Cohen has been learning so many new skills lately. One day, he could put on his own shoes! And with a little work, his socks too! He can write his name and recognizes all the letters of the alphabet and numbers 1-20. He hasn't been much of a drawer up until recently. He drew this today and I couldn't help but be so proud! Cohen is getting to be so grown up!

It's our house, with me outside, a sun and a cloud.

Eye Exam Day

Pretty proud of this fellow who went in for his eye exam today. I promised him NO drops because of our last experience and when he was doing so well, we decided to do the drops. He handled it like a champ! AND he has perfect vision and no scarring or damage from his ROP as a baby (common preemie eye problem). Such a better experience than last time!!

Family Descriptions after Loss

Today, one of the days my heart has been dreading has come. Cohen's preschool is talking about families. He got a note with a little bag of small rocks with instructions to send back a stone for each family member and a family photo. It seems simple enough, right?

 But then I feel it. The heaviness in my heart that we don't have that extra stone. That the pictures won't include our Carter, the other member of our family. Someday when Cohen understands more I will let him decide what and who he wants to tell about his brother. We counted out the four stones to send back to school, feeling the ache in my heart. This may be our first encounter with this, but I know it won't be our last. I don't know how we will handle it in the future, probably however Cohen feels he wants to handle it.

It took me a while to get over the guilt of answering "how many kids do you have?" with the number of my living children. But I reached a point where I didn't need to tell every single person about Carter. I know he is my child and in some ways, I feel like I'm protecting us both by not always delving into his story. There have been times where I have mentioned him and have been so, so blessed by the reaction, stories, or hugs I have received. But not everyone understands child loss (thankfully) and the reactions can be awkward and uncomfortable and hurtful. So I've learned to go with what feels right in the situation. I have a feeling this may become similar in the future for Cohen. But right now, the first time makes me feel that deep longing for my child and how much I wish he could be here counting out family stones with his brother.