Ezra - 2 Years Old

Today our sweet, spunky, a little bit naughty, belly laughing little rainbow baby turned two. So much joy and healing he has brought to our hearts. And gray hairs.

He wears size 24 month/2T clothes, size 6 shoes and size 5 diapers.

He is starting to say more words, his favorites are bonk, hurt, bee, no, mine, water, poop, and peese (please). He also says a few two word sentences like "Mama, hurt" and "Mama, peese"

Ezra is all boy. He loves dirt, tractors, throwing things, trains, cars, the swimming pool and kitties. But he also likes his snuggles, gives good hugs, and always comes for a kiss when he gets "hurt". And he is totally a mama's boy.

Strawberry Pickin'

My sister always plans lots of fun things for summer and we try to tag along when we can. We live in an area where there are lots of berries and we love to take advantage of all the fresh strawberries, raspberries and blueberries! Because of our unusually nice weather, the seasons seem to be a little shorter so we barely got strawberry picking in on time, it was there last day for u-pick!

Ezra loves strawberries and sampled his share along the way, along with some dirt.

Cohen tagged along with his older cousins who showed him how to pick the nice red ones. Cohen was mostly thrilled about finding the "tiny baby strawberries" that were "so cute!". Yep, priorities.

Every good and perfect gift

Comes from Heaven above.

We were blessed with twins

To cherish and love.

Born together, to grow apart;

One in our arms, the other in our Heart.

Four years ago today, my water broke. I had already been moved from my room on the antepartum (sit and wait) unit to L&D because my water had also broken the day before. I hadn't slept in days because the boys were continually on heart monitors (and continually coming off). I remember a number of doctors coming in to do an ultrasound, they would look, speak in quiet voices, go find another person to come and look. It seemed like this went on forever until we were finally told that it was time. The twin to twin transfusion which had been holding steady in the less severe stages had now progressed, Carter looked very sick.

Everything we had gone through over the last six months...tests, more tests, funny lab results, a spot on Cohen's heart, a meeting with geneticists, offers to terminate our pregnancy, suggestions to let one of our babies die so the other could live, weeks of bedrest, weeks in the hospital. This was it. Strangely enough, a calm and peace came over me. I can only say that I know that it was God's presence, that he was holding us in his hands the whole time.

The outcome was not what we wanted, hoped or prayed for. We joined the parenthood club in probably one of the most difficult ways possible. The boys' birthday is not one of the happiest days of my life, it never will be. The days leading up to their birthday are generally the hardest I relive all of those moments. But, generally when the day arrives, I am able to find some peace in remembering our Carter and celebrating Cohen.

As I drove home from picking up balloons, some to tie on Cohen's chair and some for Carter's grave, it hit me that I have never once been sad for Carter that he didn't get to experience this life. The sadness comes that we never got to experience his life. I know that being in God's presence and experiencing heaven is a way, way better experience than anything this life has to offer. And I find comfort in that. And that we also have our sweet, amazing four year old Cohen who we love and treasure and teaches us the meaning of strength and resilience every day.

The Grief Journey - 4 Years Later

Coming up on four years later...it still hurts. I can't say that it's better. All those memories, forever in my heart and brain, spilling out here and there. Still breaking my heart every time. The tears still fall, although maybe not quite as frequently, and my arms still ache to hold him, kiss him goodnight, and send him off to preschool.

We are so blessed to have met our sweet boy, but to have only known him for such a short time feels like a tease. Some days it feels like we didn't just lose him once, but we feel that loss at every birthday, first and last day of preschool and every milestone in between.

I know the emotions are stronger as we approach a milestone that "should have been". I know the waves that feel so strong right now will settle back down again. Sometimes it just feels good to get it out, to say that my heart hurts.

Lately

Whew, I need to do better at posting! We've been keeping busy around here. Memorial day weekend snuck up on us so we didn't have any big plans. Danny took Cohen camping for one night while Ezra stayed and Gramma's and I got a night to myself! We had a few plans here and there and we kept busy. We took the boys down to the Children's museum and to a big dinner out at Costco. That's how we roll.

Cohen has been a busy boy too! He has just 2 more weeks of school left so we went in for a meeting with his teachers and therapists. He seems to be doing well and likes going. It's always good to hear from the teachers because all Cohen says about school is "nothing".  We went over his IEP and goals that will continue on to next year.

Cohen also moved into a big boy bed. It was strangely emotional to see him in a real bed, not a toddler bed anymore! From isolette to an actual bed, he looks so little. But he loves his bed and we repeat many, many times a day to the boys that the bed is not for jumping, but they both like to hang out up there. Cohen has also enjoyed telling anyone that will listen that "I'm turning four soon!" and that he wants to have a "farm animal and trucks and tractors birthday party". He is also getting SO good at his riding his balance bike. He has always loved walks, I think it's calming for him, and now he can ride his bike while I push Ezra in the stroller. Ez is usually content to just sit and ride, which is way easier than Cohen speeding down the sidewalk on his bike and Ezra stopping to look at every bug and flower along the way.

Ezra's just been keepin' on being a toddler. He learned the words "no" and "mine" in the same week. He and Cohen fight frequently, but then I hear them over the baby monitor giggling and laughing and talking when no one is watching and it's the best. Love these brothers so much.

(This post will be a little vague. I'm fine with that as we are still digesting a few things. And maybe I'm just not ready to say the words "out loud" yet.) 

I've started to write this post a few times, but it just wasn't happening. We recently found out that Cohen will have some life long challenges in certain areas of his life. It's not the news we were hoping for, but wasn't completely unexpected. It is an answer that we needed, for ourselves as his parents, and to better understand how to help Cohen be the best Cohen he can be.

I've spent a lot of days in tears. I've spent brief moments in the why him area. Thinking about all that he's been through and then to have this on top sometimes just seems unfair. My heart has been heavy for him and what this might mean for his life. But we also know that he as overcome lots of challenges in his life and this probably won't be the last of them.

Having a new diagnosis isn't easy. It's not the "he'll grow out of it, he just needs more time" answer we were still holding out for. No parent wants their child to struggle or to have things be more difficult for them or be seen as "different". It hurts our hearts as parents to know that Cohen will continue to have challenges, but we also know that it doesn't change who Cohen is. Adding a new word to the chart doesn't change his heart, his smile, his love for trains and ramps and dirt. If anything, it changes who we are and gives us more understanding and better resources.

He has faced so many challenges already. The doctors at his appointments mentioned several time that he is resilient, which we absolutely know to be true. We know he isn't one to give up or quit fighting and that he always does things his own way, in his own time. We know that this won't be anything different and that we love him for who he is and we will always fight for him and with him.

Hot Mess

This guy is usually a little bit of a hot mess. He brings so much light and life to us. Always making just enough mischief but maintaining that sweet little grin that you can't resist.

 Everything a little brother should be, a little bit of sass and a little bit of sweet. A playmate and an instigator. Lover of trucks, mud and potato heads. A healer and stealer of our hearts. And always, always a mess. 

And soon to be TWO years old. I can't take it!