My Friend's Baby Died, How Can I Help?

I get contacted frequently about someone who has a had a friend or family member lose a baby and they want to know what they can do. It's heartbreaking how often I get asked this, but I am so glad that people are asking how they can help. Pregnancy and infant loss is real and those friends and family members need support, so thank you for reaching out!

What Can I Say?

So often we want to be able to fix or explain away the pain. In the situation of losing a child, you just can't. There's no reason or answer that is going to make the heartache stop.

- I'm so sorry.

- I don't know what you're going through but I'm here for you.

- Tell me about him/her (use the baby's name)

- When/if you want to talk about it, I want to listen (don't force, just being with someone in the silence is okay too)

- I know how you feel (Unless you have lost a child and truly do know how they feel)

- I'm thinking of you/praying for you

Things that are better left unsaid...
- "God needed another angel" or "God needed your baby"
- "You can have more kids"
- Anything that starts with "At least..."
-  Be thankful for the other children you do have
- Try to refrain from telling your own story (or your brother's aunt's second cousin's), just listen and be there. This is about them.

What Can I Do?

- Be present. Listen. Even if you are listening to silence or tears. Probably THE most important thing you can do is to just be there. You don't have to have the right words and you can't fix it.

- Don't judge. Grief is impossible to explain to someone who hasn't been there. Don't judge words, actions or reactions. There may be anger, sadness, laughter, or happiness. Every journey is different.

- Give a small gift (see below)

- Use the baby's name, remember the important dates (due dates, birth dates, date they passed away)

- Instead of saying "call me if you need something", offer to do practical, specific things. For example, "I'm coming over Tuesday to do your laundry", "I will bring you dinner Saturday evening", "I will call you tomorrow". And follow through!

- Keep checking up on them. Baby loss is very lonely. The rest of the world keeps moving while your world has stopped and it's a LOT to deal with. Other people get to go on with their lives while we struggle to figure out our new lives.

I want to give a small gift, do you have any ideas?

- Anything with the baby's name (a small handkerchief, blanket, stuffed animal or personalized necklace)

- Willow Tree angels

- Christmas ornaments with baby's name

- Personalized necklace with the baby's name or all of their children's names (on etsy search "personalized necklace")



Do you have any resources I can point them to?

NILMDTS - An organization that will come and take photos of the baby and family, all FREE. The photos we have are some of my most treasured possessions.

The TEARS Foundation (Specific to certain states) - Helps with financial assistance for funeral/burial expenses

This is an awesome little card that I ran across here. I've never seen anything else like it, but I think it's so wonderful.

How to Help a NICU Family

We were helped in so many ways by many people while Cohen was in the NICU. My hope is that by writing out a few of the things that were helpful to us, it may give you ideas of how to help someone else in a similar situation.

Food: Food is always appreciated. Some of my coworkers collected snacks and brought them down to us. This was so great because then I could keep some at the home and some at the NICU. I used them for breakfasts, ate some throughout the day, and gave some to Danny to take home for his lunches.

Meals are also a huge help. Our church brought Danny a meal once a week while I was in the hospital/Cohen was in the NICU. This was really nice for both of us. He liked having real food and I felt a little better that I knew he was at least getting one real meal. Food for the freezer is also awesome. Put meals in disposable dishes or things you don't want back (it's hard to remember what came from where, especially if you aren't home to see who brought what). Some people also brought meals to the hotel for us which was awesome because we were so tired of fast food.

Gift cards to local restaurants or grocery stores.

Gas Cards: Gas was another big expense for us as Danny was driving back and forth to Seattle twice a week.

Help around the house: We had someone from our church offer to mow our lawn over the summer and this was a huge blessing. Danny was barely home and it was one thing he just didn't have to worry about and it was great. If you know the person well, or they are comfortable letting you in their home, offer to clean, take out the garbage, do some housework etc.

Paper plates, plastic silverware, napkins etc if they are away from home. Or even if not, it's nice to not have to do dishes.

Care Package: Some really sweet girls that I went to high school with sent me a care package. It had homemade cookies, a Starbucks gift card, new jammies, a couple of new shirts and a few other things. It seriously made me really happy.

Magazines/Crossword Puzzle books to pass the time

Preemie Clothes: We received some hand me down preemie clothes and some new teeny tiny preemie clothes (made for babies in the NICU) and these were so fun for me. It was nice to have something “normal” to look forward to like dressing my baby.

Kids books: We often felt so helpless when we were with Cohen. There wasn't a lot we could actually do for him. One of the things we found ourselves doing most often was reading him stories. That way he could hear our voices and we could feel like maybe we were doing a little something to help comfort him.

Notes/Cards of Encouragement: The blog and the cards, emails, facebook messages, phone messages etc. were what kept me going, knowing that we were being supported by those around us, friends and strangers alike.

This may be kind of a "duh" thing, but I hope that if you choose to give, you are giving without the expectation of getting anything in return. I would LOVE to be able to send thank you cards to everyone has given to us in any way, big or small. However, I've come to realize that it's just not something I am going to be able to do. So please just know that I am (and they will be) thankful. 

And, just as a final note, when we were going through this, people would always say “Let us know if we can do anything to help” which we so appreciated. However, when you are in the midst of something like having a NICU baby or losing a child, a lot of times you don't know what you need. What was the most helpful for us was when people would suggest something specific like “We will bring you dinner to your house Tuesday night” or “Leave your laundry out, we will come pick it up, wash it, and bring it back”

Thank you to everyone who helped us out in one of these ways or others. We appreciate you so much.

Words

I have debated writing this post because I don't want it to be a negative thing or for anyone to feel bad if they have said or done any of these things. My goal in writing this is to try and help others know what to say, or not to say, to help others in difficult situations. Having a child in the NICU and losing a child are both difficult things. People want to comfort and help but often times they just don't know how. I know that I have probably said some of these or something similar at some point in my life because unless you have been through it, it is just difficult to know what to do or say. So I'm hoping this can be helpful. Please don't let this discourage you and lead you to say nothing at all. Even if you say the "wrong" thing, we forgive you, we just want to know that you are there for us. If you don't know what to say, just listen, hold a hand, or give a hug.


What not to say:

My Uncle/Aunt/cousin/dog/sister-in-law twice removed had a baby who was born at X amount of weeks and now he is completely normal. I know these kinds of statements are supposed to be reassuring, but one thing I have learned through all of this is that reassurances aren't always helpful. I had so many people tell me that everything was going to be fine with the boys, and it wasn't fine.

Also, every story is different and every story is important. I just wanted to say yeah but this is my story and my baby. It almost feels like one upping. It feels like someone saying "Yeah your story is nice, but listen to this story about this other baby who was born even earlier and went through even more".

The third part of this sentence also bothered me. I really am glad that the child you know turned out "normal" but even if Cohen doesn't turn out "normal", it doesn't change my love for him. It doesn't matter to us if he doesn't hit all his milestones exactly as every other child does. Our reality is that most likely, he won't, and we are okay with that. 

I know what you are going through. Unless you have had a NICU baby or lost a child, you probably don't know. The fear, joy, heartbreak, questions, and the unknowns are like nothing I have ever been through before.

Don't worry, everything will be fine. Like I said before, I had many well meaning people say this to me and I really came to resent it. Of course we hope and pray everything will be fine, and in our hearts we really want to believe everything will be fine, but that's not always the case.

God needed your baby/God needed another angel. No he didn't, these things happen because we live in a fallen world. God doesn't need anything.

Twins are a lot of work, think how much harder this would have been with both boys. Again, I don't care. I would have done it if there were 10 babies! I want to know what it is like to have twins. I want to know how hard it is. I don't care if a double stroller is hard to get out of the trunk and push around. I don't care if two carseats are hard to put in the car. I don't care if we would have gone through twice the number of diapers. He was my son and I would have done anything for him, no matter how hard. It couldn't have been harder than what we are going through.

You can always have more kids. When the time comes, yes we can. But they will never replace Carter.

At least you got to keep one baby. We did, and we are so thankful, but we had two babies and keeping one doesn't ease the pain of not having both.

Things that are helpful:

A lot of times there aren't words that will take away the pain. But there are things that are more helpful than others.

I am so sorry. 

I am praying for/thinking of you.

I don't know what you are going through but it must be so hard.

I don't even know what to say. That's okay, thanks for being honest. 

If the family has lost a child, call the child by name if he/she had one. Ask things about the baby, birth weight, who did they look like, etc. One of the most painful things for me was when people didn't acknowledge Carter. It made me feel like he didn't matter. It might bring some tears, but for me I am always so glad when people ask about him or to see his pictures. 

Help celebrate the small things. In the NICU, everything that most consider a small thing (the first time baby pees, opens his eyes, gets to wear clothes etc.) is a big thing. When you don't have much to hold on to, these little things are important. 

Congratulations. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I heard this after the boys were born. I realize it was a difficult situation and may not have seemed appropriate, but our boys were still born even if it wasn't the way it usually goes. 

And if words fail, as they may, hold a hand, give a hug and just listen. You don't have to have the perfect thing to say, just be there.


Was that helpful? Again, I don't write this with the intention of offending or hurting anyone who may have said these things to us or others, I just want to try and someone else's difficult situation a little easier. 


*Since writing this post, I have come to a little bit better of a place. I know that people genuinely want to help but don't always know what to say. And that's okay. I try not to hold it against people, because they truly don't know what it's like. And I forgive the people who say these things and I trust that they have good intentions when they say things*

Another Stocking Update

Tired of hearing about stockings yet? Well, I have another update anyway. We would like to have everything in by Dec 3, in one week. The things we are collecting had taken over my entry hallway so I had to move them into another room.

If you still want to donate something we still need:

Starbucks or restaurant gift cards
New or gently used children's books
Small lotions
Small notebooks or post its
Kleenex travel packs
Hand sanitizer
Stockings

If you prefer online shopping, don't forget about the Amazon Wish List.  This has been a nice option for people because you can ship it directly to us.

Thank you all so much for your help, we really appreciate it. I am slowly but surely working on stockings. More slowly than surely actually. If anyone wants to help out in the stocking department it would be much appreciated.

Coming soon: Cohen's first Thanksgiving

Shh....Cohen's Christmas Presents

I can't believe it's almost Thanksgiving. Time has been flying by since we have been home. I think since we were gone for so long it seems like time is going even faster and this little boy is getting so big so fast.

 {We had to cut Cohen's onesie off him the other night after a large diaper explosion}

This morning I took Cohen in for his baseline chest x-ray. As we were checking in someone recognized us and came to say hi. She said she knew about Cohen because someone had been showing off pictures of him in town. Cohen is a little celebrity! Okay maybe not, we just live in a small town. We hope that as people have heard and continue to hear his story that they will also see God and how great he is. We are thankful that our story has provided us with an opportunity to share with people about all the things God has done in our lives, even in the midst of pain and sorrow.

I took Cohen back home and did some chores and put him in his crib for a little nap. Gramma came over and I snuck out of the house to go on a little lunch date with Danny in Bellingham. We were instructed to be back before midnight. Ha, yeah right, I'm tired after an hour out of the house nowadays. Cohen slept the entire time we were gone and was very well behaved for his Gramma. Thanks mom for letting us get out of the house!

 {Look who graduated from his bassinet to his pack n play}

If you still need ideas for "Stuff the Stockings" go browse the $1 section at Target. I got a few pairs of Christmas socks (they are kind of my thing) and also some small toiletry/makeup bags to put in some stockings.

Speaking of, I got 4 packages on my porch today! My mom kept texting me whenever another one would arrive. I got home and opened them right away to find some surprises for the stockings. I get so excited opening the boxes to see what is inside. I know the families are going to be really excited to get these gifts! We would like to be able to offer a gift to every family so we have officially upped our goal to 30 stockings/gift bags (in case someone doesn't celebrate Christmas). Oh, and also, if you have kids at Vossbeck, Karen has set up a box at the school for donations and is sending some flyers home with the kids so that is another way to donate.

Cohen's Christmas presents also arrived today so it was a really big day. Don't tell him what he's getting. Aren't they cute?? Now I just need to get someone to put up a shelf in Cohen's room to put his little sign on.

Stocking Update

Well, the "Stuff the Stockings" project is in full swing! We have lots of people volunteering for various things and we are so excited. I thought this was just going to be me collecting a few things and taking a few stockings in. But we have had a lot of people wanting to help and it has been so fun. I have made an updated list. If the item you were going to donate is crossed off, don't worry, it's probably just because you said you were donating it! And we will take whatever you want to give and put it to good use.

We have decided that if there is stocking overflow we will take some stockings over to antepartum where I spent 3 weeks on bedrest. Surely moms on bedrest over Christmas need a little gift too.

Thank you all so, so much for your response to this. Feel free to continue spreading the word about this project. Also, look around your house...I found lots of things (snacks, shampoo/conditioner samples, etc) for the stockings sitting in my own drawers and cupboards, just make sure they are new/unused! Also, I have updated the Amazon Wish List with my address so that it can ship here automatically.

Updated Stocking Stuffer List:

Little lotions
Chapstick
Candy
Protein Bars/Granola Bars/Snacks
Gum
Emergen-C (Since it's cold season!)
Maybe a little notebook for keeping notes about baby
Kleenex packs
Post its/Pens
Vitamin Water/Bottled Drinks
Hot Chocolate or Tea
Hand Sanitizer
Baby Hats and small Christmas blankets
Travel size shampoo/conditioner
Disposable cameras
Starbucks, Subway or Quiznos gift cards
Stockings or Gift bags to put everything in
New or gently used Children's books
Newborn Diapers/Wipes

First Snow & Stockings

Well, it's snowing here so it seems like a perfect day to turn on the Christmas tunes and sew! We made a brief trip to Gramma's house, Cohen's first time there, for baking day. We sampled some Christmas cookies and had lunch with Gramma and Gramma 2 (my mom's best friend). Cohen is now taking a hopefully long nap and it's Danny's day off so he is doing a few chores around the house.

 {MMMM....we love baking day!}

 I made my first 2 stockings! Who wants to fill them!? We have been really excited about the response we have gotten for our Stuff the Stockings Project. We have some other NICU graduate's moms who are helping out, a Bible study, a Sunday School class, friends, Grandmas, Grandpas, etc who are all helping. It is really wonderful!

Our goal was to get 15 stockings made and filled and I think we will easily meet that goal. Maybe we should try for 30? I really better get sewing then. Here are some of the blankets Mom and I made on Monday. I also have 2 raggy quilts sitting on my couch waiting to be finished and one quilt top waiting for a backing.

We have several people donating travel size toiletries and lots of gum. A couple other people are making preemie hats, small hand warmers, blankets, Christmas ornaments for the babies, and even some burp rags.

Things we still need:
$5 Gift Cards to Starbucks, Subway, or Quiznos (These are all within walking distance from the hospital)
Hand sanitizers
Small lotions
Hot chocolate, tea, and Emergen-c or Airborne
Blankets (especially small Christmas blankets)
Stockings (purchased or made)

We have also put together a "Wish List" on Amazon if you need ideas or would like to purchase things online and mail them directly to us. 

Here is a flyer that Karen made. I have no clue how to put it on here as a file that you can download so let me know if you want me to send you the file so you can print it. It is posted on the NICU Care Packages blog if you want to see it. (Anyone know how to get it on here as a downloadable file?)

{And here is Cohen, sleeping for a cause. He was supposed to be waking up for his bottle, that's why he is half dressed. He wasn't interested in the bottle at all.}

As always, if you are interested in providing any of these things or have questions/suggestions, please email me jana.rinehart@gmail.com or nicucarepackages@gmail.com. Also, check out the NICU Care Packages facebook page. It is where most of the action is going on (where is all the blog love? :)

Stuff the Stockings!

Thank you SO much to everyone who has responded about wanting to help. I had put this post up and then shortly after there was a lot of care package activity going on on facebook :) I didn't really expect so many people to want to help. I thought I would just be putting a few things together on my own, but thank you SO much. I am really excited about it! I think it will be a really nice pick me up for the NICU moms, especially during the holiday season. So, I will try and get myself a little more organized. Our goal is to get 15 stockings together and stuffed. There is also a page at the top of my blog with info about the stockings. Some people have made a few more suggestions to add to the care package list so I am adding those here:

 Little lotions
Chapstick
Candy
Granola Bars/Snacks/Gum
Emergen-C (Since it's cold season!)
Maybe a little notebook for keeping notes about baby
Vitamin Water
Hot Chocolate or Tea
Hand Sanitizer
Baby Hats and maybe little Christmas blankets (if I get around to knitting/sewing them)
Sample size shampoo/conditioner
Disposable cameras
Starbucks Gift cards (maybe like $5??)
Stockings or Gift bags to put everything in

Ways you can help:

1) Get any of these things and if you are local I can pick them up or maybe we can figure out another way to get them if you are in the Seattle area. I have also made a "Wish List" on Amazon so even if you wanted to purchase something and send it to us that would work as well. Here is the link to the Wish List.

2) If you knit, sew or crochet...baby hats! See this post for links to preemie hat patterns. Or if you want to make some fleece, felt or other kind of stocking (or purchase them if you'd rather :) In our family, stockings are a pretty big deal. The stocking is actually my favorite part of Christmas morning....that's why I want to do stockings. But, there is always gift bags too.

3) Depending on how many of the packages we end up making, I may need help assembling things. So keep that in mind too.

I am really excited about this and about how many people want to help! I feel really good about being able to help out and encourage some other people. I know what a hard road it is and I want to do anything I can to help. I just keep walking around smiling and last night I couldn't sleep because I was so excited. I know this isn't about me, but it is nice to be doing something positive that I know will also bless others. Thank you so, so much!

Feel free to email me if you have questions or suggestions or want to help out...my sister also made an email address specifically for the "Stuff the Stockings" project. It is nicucarepackages@gmail.com and she has also set up a specific blog for this project. I know this is a lot of info but we are just thrilled about this project. We are working on getting a little more organized :)

NICU Care Packages

I know it's getting to that busy time of year where everybody has way too much to do. I also know what it's like to have a baby in the NICU and I know some of you do too. Sitting in the hospital day after day is tiring and stressful and can be lonely. I want to do something to help other NICU moms and maybe just brighten their day a little. I know how hard it is to have a baby in the hospital on a regular day but I can't imagine how hard it must be during the holidays. I LOVE Christmas and anything I would like to be able to maybe make someone else's a little better. We have been given so much love and support and I would love to be able to pass that on to someone else.

So, I am putting together some little care packages to drop off at the NICU for other moms (or dads :)
I'm thinking:

Little lotions
Chapstick
Candy
Granola Bars/Snacks/Gum
Emergen-C (Since it's cold season!)
Maybe a little notebook for keeping notes about baby
Vitamin Water
Hot Chocolate or Tea
Hand Sanitizer
Baby Hats and maybe little Christmas blankets (if I get around to knitting/sewing them)
Stockings or Gift bags to put everything in

 I'm going to try and start getting things together now because I know once Thanksgiving hits everything gets super busy. We have another appointment at Children's in December so I am thinking I will drop them off then. Anybody want to help? Have any other ideas of things to add? Let me know :)

*Updated to add:

If you knit, here is a website that has patterns for preemie hats

If you crochet, here is more patterns for preemie hats

I also thought it would be fun to put some of the stuff in the stockings. I'm telling you, I love Christmas so this is all really fun for me :) Here is the pattern I might use, again depending on how much time I have. If you sew, it is here or here's just an outline.