Parenting for the End Goal

Things have been a little quiet over here, we have been busy and in a challenging season of parenting. Raising two toddlers, both pushing and testing to find the boundaries. A three year old going on 16. Lots of changes and adjusting and trying to figure out how we deal with all of this as a family.

Parenting is one of the hardest things I have ever done. It's also one of the most rewarding. I have been struggling to know what is the best way to raise our boys, when to let things go and when to teach and help them grow. I get caught up in the daily challenges, the screaming, the fits, the big feelings. Toddlers have lots of big feelings. Especially toddlers with sensory processing problems.

I have been feeling weary. Worn out. Like maybe I'm just not cut out for parenting toddlers. We have been doing a Beth Moore Bible study at church. (If you ever have a chance to do one, take it! For real!) Yesterday we watched the video that was all about relationships, the highs and the lows and what God calls us to in these relationships. I found myself scribbling down quotes and nodding my head vigorously. Relationships require vulnerability, the ability to put ourselves out there with the potential of being hurt. We have been there. A relationship with a child we don't get to raise, so much hurt. Raising a child that we don't always know what he needs and what is best. She talked about how facing the depths, the deep hurt also allows us to know the joy of the good times, the gladness. This is a lesson that we have learned over the last few years. Without the deep pain of losing Carter, I'm not sure we would have the same perspective about what a gift our children are (a challenging gift, but a gift).

And then she said this: You can only know the joy and the gladness when you have been in a relationship you thought would kill you. This may sound a little extreme to some of you, but honestly, there are days when I feel like I am going to pull all of my hair out. I love my kids to pieces, but it is a challenge. There are days when I don't know what Cohen wants or needs. Where he screams for an hour over something that he can't put words to. Where I have to put him in the stroller naked and screaming (with a blanket on) because he won't put clothes on and it's the only thing that will calm him down. But when the good days come, they are so much BETTER because of the hard days that we face. The hugs and kisses are that much sweeter after the fits.

The turning point was when she talked about the ultimate goal - to have kids that love Jesus. This was a huge change of perspective for me. So often I focus on the day to day, because it feels like I just need to get through the day. It made me really think about what I am doing to show Jesus to my kids. Am I living in a way that they will see Jesus in me? As they grow up will they know that a relationship with the Lord is the most important thing? Am I teaching them to act like Jesus and be kind and loving to others? Is my end goal to have kids that love Jesus? Whew. That was a pretty big perspective change for me. It has been rolling around in my head and making me think about my decisions and the words that I say.

I'm not perfect and never will be. I will still stumble, lose my wits, maybe even pull all my hair out. I will still wave the white flag and call Gramma to see if the kids can spend some time at her house. But I hope that someday when my kids are grown, they can look back and see how much we love them and that even though we aren't perfect and we make mistakes, that they will have seen Jesus in us.

Being Present

These boys. They make me want to hug them, squish them, put in earplugs and hide in my room all at the same time. Some days I'm exhausted and all I want is peace and quiet. A break from the screaming and the seemingly constant "mom, mom, mom, mommy, mommy". I want to hide in my closet and eat chocolate.

But then a little voice inside reminds me that they aren't going to be little forever. I keeping imagining them as teenagers and then I just want to sit on them and make them stay babies. I have been feeling a little convicted lately and trying to just embrace them as the kids that they are. Trying to not get irritated about them dumping dirt in the freshly filled swimming pool or throwing their entire lunch on the floor.

I'm trying to put down my phone a little more. Engage a little more. Be a little less distracted. Trying to say "Yes! Lets!" a little more instead of "No. Stop. Don't..." Embracing the sticky hands and the dirty floors. i love these babies with all my heart. So I'll take the "nuggles" with the fits and the "Mommy get closer"s even when I'm feeling touched out. I know they are growing up so fast and I just don't want to look back and wish I had slowed down and just been more present in this time.

We aren't promised forever. We aren't promised a certain number of months, days or hours. I'm doing my best to take each moment as it comes, to let the little things go and to love my family the best that I can. Even when they poop in the bath tub. Twice. In one week.

Parenting Struggles

Its been a rough couple weeks over here. We've been dealing with some "life" stuff, some kid stuff, and some parenting stuff.

I struggle with knowing how to best parent my children. Advice and just do this or just do thats are everywhere. I struggle with knowing what my busy toddler needs. Where he needs me to be strong and consistent and where he needs me just to let it go.

 I struggle with knowing the difference between normal toddler behavior, sensory issues, and the results of being a micropreemie and being in the NICU. I will always carry the guilt of his early birth, the lack of a "normal" infancy, and the problems that have come from his premature birth. Of not being held and cuddled. Of my touch being too much for him to handle. Of not having a breastfeeding relationship. Being surrounded by noise and light and pain. Of losing his twin.

I struggle with knowing what is just "Cohen" being Cohen and what is something I need to look into a little deeper. He is kind and deeply emotional. Sensitive and loving. He's faced more in 2.5 years than some people will go through in a lifetime.

I struggle with doing too little or too much. Of giving him excuses and realizing that some are legitimate. Of pushing him to do his best and letting him just be a little kid that doesn't want to do something. I waffle between worrying about spoiling him and thinking who care if he's a little spoiled!? Before I was a parent, I knew my kids would be well behaved. They would never "get away with" certain things. I would be an amazing parent and have amazing kids. And well, when you actually have kids, you realize it's a little more complicated than that.

I do have amazing kids and I am incredibly proud of them. I want to be the best mom I can be and I think part of that will come when I can be confident in the decisions I am making as a mom. I have a big, big love for my babies and I know that somehow we will get through all of this. I don't think I will ever regret loving my kids as much as possible and parenting them in a way that they never doubt my love for them and that they know that I love them as they are.

This Won't Last Forever

We've been having a rough few days (weeks?) Over here. The days are starting to blend together as the nights become longer and less restful. I struggle to master this "mom of 2" business.

Some days are amazing. We are on our game, get out of the house in one piece and really enjoy time as a family. We go for walks, play at the library, and sing Cohen's favorite songs at bedtime.

Then there are the other days. The days I struggle to make it through because the wails for apple juice, the refusal to nap, and the lunch plate getting knocked off the table (again) feel like the last straw. The days that I feel like I might pull all my hair out when I'm letting the cat in and out for the 50th time, when Cohen throws open the door to our room and wakes up Ezra, or Ezra is waking up for the umpteenth time during the night. I reach the end of the day longing for sleep but I never know if I'll actually get sleep or not with our late night party animal. One day I actually took a nap in bed with 3 loads of laundry. The only way I get through some days is by telling myself that this won't last forever. Maybe it will last a week, or a month, or even a year. But it won't last forever. 

Last night, I was snuggling Ezra back to sleep for probably the 5th time in two hours, praying he wouldn't wake up Cohen. As he finally drifted off to sleep, I sat there and stared at his chubby cheeks and felt the weight of him in my arms. And it hit me. This won't last forever. Are there days where I am exhausted and cranky? Absolutely. But this won't last forever. Getting to snuggle my babies to sleep and play toys with them. Having them ask me to read them books or sit on my lap. Before I know it they'll be going off to kindergarten, middle school, high school, and someday maybe starting families of their own. And so, I remind myself that this won't last forever and I snuggle my babies just a little longer.