Easter is Coming!

Over the last few years, Easter has taken on a new meaning for me. My faith has been challenged and strengthened in so many ways. In the midst of crisis, when you have nowhere else to go, you are faced head on with deciding whether the things you have said you believe really are true, or they're not. Life is hard and unfair but it doesn't change who God is. Either God is sovereign and in control or He's not. I don't have the answers for why things happen the way they do and I probably won't until I get to heaven (although I'm not sure it will matter then).

Easter has, in the past, been a time when we celebrate spring! And baby chicks! And life! And Jesus going to ascending to heaven! But it started with death. A death that wasn't deserved. This death makes a difference for me in my life. Because of what Jesus did on the cross that day, dying a sinner's death and being raised from the dead, I am free. I'm not perfect, most of the time I'm not even good enough. It doesn't matter because the blood of Jesus covers a multitude of sins. My sins. And? That means that I get to go to heaven and spend an endless amount of days in His presence. And in the presence of those who have gone before me and will go after me. I will get to meet my creator, my hope, and the one who has received, and held in his arms, my baby until I can see him again.

In the midst of your Easter egg hunts, family time, and sugar highs, I hope you think about what He has done for you.

I can't wait for heaven. Can't wait. 

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soulWorship His holy nameSing like never beforeO my soulI'll worship Your holy name
And on that day when my strength is failingThe end draws near and my time has comeStill my soul will sing Your praise unendingTen thousand years and then forevermore
(Matt Redman - 10,000 Reasons)



But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering
There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold onto you always.
(Jeremy Camp - There Will be a Day)

1. My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
   My sin, not in part but the whole,
   Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
   Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
2. And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,
3. The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
   The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
   Even so, it is well with my soul.
4. (It is Well)

Changes Ahead!

Our lives are about to get a little bit crazy. I have taken a part time job at the hospital working in the recovery room. I love PACU nursing, it's what I've always done and I probably won't be changing anytime soon. I had no intentions of looking for another job, but this popped up. I applied late at night (without telling Danny until after I applied), got an interview, and was offered a job. 

The thing is, they are wanting to get me into hospital orientation next week.  Yikes. I was expecting to have a little more time than that to get everything in order, but here we go! I'm also keeping my other part time job, so between hospital orientation and training and my old job, I'll be working full time for at least the next month. 

I have been a ball of anxious worry this week over the boys, how we will keep everything from exploding, and whether I will still be sane at the end of it. I've been trying to get some meals in the freezer, clearing off our schedule, and getting childcare lined up for the month plus someone to take Cohen to OT while I'm at work.

I have been laying pretty low in the job department since getting pregnant with the boys. I have needed jobs where I could only work part time and for the most part, choose my own schedule. I didn't work nights or weekends as is common with a lot of nursing jobs.  They were perfect, low stress jobs for when I needed them. 

Now, I feel like I'm ready for a little something more. I'm ready to be challenged a little, to get back into the "excitement" of higher acuity patients. The last few years have, necessarily and rightfully, been about everyone else. Growing babies, fighting for babies, supporting my baby in his time of greatest need, throwing myself into helping others to help manage my own grief. This is going to be hard, and I'm nervous, but it will (hopefully) be good. 

Since it's kind of one of those things that has fallen into my lap, I think that it is God leading me in a direction that he wants me to go. One of our major goals for this year has been to pay down/off our debt. We are lucky that we don't have any credit card debt or anything, but we both have school loans, hospital bills, and an now an unexpected car payment. This job will help make that a realistic goal. 

I'm trying to remind myself that it's only for a month. We can do anything for a month, we've done much harder things before. And we can eat off paper plates for a month, right? If you don't see or hear from us for awhile, now you know why! 

(It's going to be good, it's going to be good, it's going to be good)

Hope and Peace

The days leading up to now have been admittedly hard. I have been teary, cranky, and exhausted. I even cried at a wal-mart commercial about kids growing up. I just couldn't shake it and didn't quite know what I needed so I just kept trudging forward.

On Saturday we had a family Christmas party to go to. I had bought Carter a little tree but just hadn't taken it yet. I was avoiding it because I didn't know how it would go for me now that Cohen is talking. We told him we were going to take Carter his tree and from then on he was talking about "Carter's house" and "going to see Carter". The whole way to the cemetery I could hear his little voice in the backseat saying Carter's name. So bittersweet. I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks as I wondered how he would respond when we got there and Carter wasn't there.

 We arrived and got the kids out. There was still snow covering the ground from our recent snow and visible footprints in the snow to various graves. We uncovered Carter's headstone and made a place for his tree. Cohen knew right away that there were toys buried under the snow. He remembered there was a car there that he liked to play with. We spent some time there and then got back in the car. As we drove on, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I could still hear Cohen saying "find Carter" and I wondered how on earth we were going to explain death to a child. And then I realized that although we wish we didn't need to explain death, what a great opportunity we had. By explaining death, we can explain life. We can share the great gift of life that we have because of Jesus, who also died. Carter isn't here physically, but he is living in heaven and we will see him again. We always planned on telling our kids about God, but what an opportunity we have to be able to teach them as they grow and to talk about these things. Afterall, this life isn't all there is. There is an eternity to be spent with Jesus, free from pain and sorrow and full of joy in His presence because of what he has done for us. I hope and pray that we can help them understand that while we have suffered great loss, we also have great hope and peace in Jesus.

Capture Your Grief - Day 10: Beliefs

I know this can be a touchy subject for some, and I also know that not everyone shares my beliefs, but I would still like to share them.

God is good, all of the time. This was hard for me, like, really hard. How can a good God allow people's children to die? I struggle greatly with this, and I don't have all the answers. Sometimes we wrestle with wanting to know why. I have come to the conclusion that on this earth, I may never know that answer and that I will drive myself crazy trying to find the answer. I have chosen to try to focus on the fact that it happened and now I can choose what I make of it.

God has never left me. I have walked away from him and then accused him of leaving me, but he has never left. He has always been there, waiting for me to come back to him. Even if I've yelled at him, cursed him, accused him, or ignored him. He always takes me back. As I struggle with those emotions, I have one of two choices. I choose to believe that everything I've said to be true is true, or I can call it all a bunch of lies and walk away. I've been in both places. But in those dark, hopeless moments, he has always been there. Whether it's through a Bible verse, a friend, or him speaking to me, I know he's there.

Everything happens for a reason? I don't believe that God caused my child to die. I do believe that he allowed it, but I don't think he was sitting in heaven thinking that I looked like a mom who needed to lose her child to learn a lesson. This may be debatable among some of you, but in this moment, I don't believe that. I do believe that I can learn many lessons from my situation and find new purpose in my life. I believe that God uses these hard times to draw us closer to him and to reveal his truths to us if we are willing to see them. Good things can come out of hardship. But I don't think he was sitting around twiddling his thumbs and taking babies because "heaven needed another angel". My God is kind and compassionate and caring. He knows what it's like to watch his son suffer and die and he is there with me in my pain.

God can handle it. I have been angry (so, so angry). And God can handle that. He knows that we aren't perfect, and I don't think he has called us to blindly accept things as "the way they are". He has given us thoughts and emotions and choice and the freedom to explore those things. I have gone to those dark places, with thoughts and emotions that overtake me and threaten to upset everything I've ever known. And I always come back to God. And he can handle anything I can throw at him. 

This isn't it. I don't believe that this life is all there is. I find it sad to know that there are people that believe this life is all there is. If it is, then what's the point? We die and it's just...over? We struggle and grow and change and affect others, all for nothing? I know that when I die, I will go to heaven. I will be reunited with my loved ones, I will be free from hurt and pain, and mostly importantly, I will get to see God. I can't wait. I also know that Carter is in heaven. And some days, that is the only thing that brings me comfort. He is there not because of anything I did or he did, but because of Jesus. Because he has taken away all of our sins, my baby can be with him forever. And that's pretty much the best thing I've ever heard.

So there you have it. I'm not perfect, I don't have all the answers, but I do know that God exists and that he has a plan for my life.

Also, this article has been circulating that I found very interesting about the ole "God won't give you more than you can handle" issue.

Light in the Darkness

Awhile back in our Sunday school class, we were talking about how and when we felt we were closest to God. There was a list of things like when you read your Bible, at church, during fellowship with other believers, and a few others. It turns out it was a trick question, because the number one answer was one that wasn't listed. The number one time when people felt the closest to God was during trials. And I totally agree.

When we were in that dark place after the boys were born, we felt so surrounded. We felt embraced by our family, friends, church family, and strangers who had heard our story. The prayers of those around us, carried us closer to Jesus when we weren't able to do it ourselves.

And? My relationship with God has never been deeper and truer than during that time. A time when I had nothing else. When we are walking through our normal day to day life, it's so easy to rely on ourselves. We can manage to get by, and sometimes we even think we are doing pretty well. And then, in an instant, everything changed. My son was gone, my other son's life was hanging in the balance, I was away from home, and I was alone. When I was at the very bottom and there was nothing else to cling to or trust in, God was there. He gave me the strength to keep going when I didn't want to and didn't think I could. He took my anger and my sorrows and he felt them all with me. Those were the times when I felt His presence the strongest.

No matter who you are, or what you believe in, trials can shake you to your very core. They can make you question everything you ever thought you knew. In those moments, you make a decision to walk away from what you claimed to believe, or you are reassured that everything you said you believed in was in fact the truth. I'm not going to pretend like I didn't question God or his goodness. I did. For many, many days. I was so angry. I never got all the answers I wanted, but what I do know, is that God is faithful. He was there and he never left, and he was all I had, my light in the darkness. The things I had claimed to believe were reinforced as the truth.

I'm not perfect, and sometimes I still wrestle with doubt. I don't know all the answers to the hard questions, and maybe I never will, but I have faith in God because I have seen him work miracles. I have seen his goodness even in the hard places. And I know without a shadow of a doubt, that Carter is with him. Whole and healed and waiting for us.