Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas from our family to yours! We hope your days are filled with family, love, peace and hope.

Hope and Peace

The days leading up to now have been admittedly hard. I have been teary, cranky, and exhausted. I even cried at a wal-mart commercial about kids growing up. I just couldn't shake it and didn't quite know what I needed so I just kept trudging forward.

On Saturday we had a family Christmas party to go to. I had bought Carter a little tree but just hadn't taken it yet. I was avoiding it because I didn't know how it would go for me now that Cohen is talking. We told him we were going to take Carter his tree and from then on he was talking about "Carter's house" and "going to see Carter". The whole way to the cemetery I could hear his little voice in the backseat saying Carter's name. So bittersweet. I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks as I wondered how he would respond when we got there and Carter wasn't there.

 We arrived and got the kids out. There was still snow covering the ground from our recent snow and visible footprints in the snow to various graves. We uncovered Carter's headstone and made a place for his tree. Cohen knew right away that there were toys buried under the snow. He remembered there was a car there that he liked to play with. We spent some time there and then got back in the car. As we drove on, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I could still hear Cohen saying "find Carter" and I wondered how on earth we were going to explain death to a child. And then I realized that although we wish we didn't need to explain death, what a great opportunity we had. By explaining death, we can explain life. We can share the great gift of life that we have because of Jesus, who also died. Carter isn't here physically, but he is living in heaven and we will see him again. We always planned on telling our kids about God, but what an opportunity we have to be able to teach them as they grow and to talk about these things. Afterall, this life isn't all there is. There is an eternity to be spent with Jesus, free from pain and sorrow and full of joy in His presence because of what he has done for us. I hope and pray that we can help them understand that while we have suffered great loss, we also have great hope and peace in Jesus.

Life at Home

Like everyone else, we've been busy! The blog has been a little quieter as we are out and about, or just busier at home. Life with two kids certainly leaves less "me" time, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Here are some pictures of our going ons lately.

It's been a big boy high chair eating, present wrapping, candy cane eating, blanket crocheting, tea drinking, ornament snatching, book reading, nap taking, cousin playing, army crawling, snowflake watching, Christmas music listening, late night movie watching, and diaper pinning kind of week.

NICU Care Packages 2013

The NICU Care Packages have been delivered!! Hooray! These care packages have been donated in honor of our own former 25 weeker, 1 lb 8 oz baby boy along with his friends Isaiah, JJ, Kyle, & Brant. And also in loving memory of our own Carter and his friends Hudson, Miranda, & Keaton.

We kept things quite simple this year and I think we were still very successful. I am continually overwhelmed by the generosity of others who support us in this project. It would absolutely not be possible without all of you!

Now that we are trying to wrangle two kids and a busy house, we decided to simplify the list for storing and organizing purposes. My friend Angie came up with the idea to put the care packages in reusable bags, which I thought was brilliant. She donated all of the bags, tissues, notebooks, and pens for the care packages. Amazing! We also had a group of local moms that donated many tiny, perfect knitted and crocheted hats. And of course all of our wonderful family and friends!

Each care package includes a blanket, hat, small notebook, pen, tissues, Emergen-C, chocolate, granola bar/trail mix, hand sanitizer, chapstick, lotion, and a small children's book.

                      

Every year I get nervous about whether we will be able to gather everything we need and whether we will have the finances to fill in the gaps. In the last 3 years, we have never been lacking in any of the things we need. It's incredible. We have a lot of family, friends, and even strangers that are willing to help out NICU families and babies.

I had grand plans to take the care packages down to UW as a family, but it just wasn't working out. We had to cancel two trips because of sicknesses and finally we were running out of time. Since it's a 2 hour drive each way, it isn't exactly a quick trip, especially with two kids. In the end, we decided we would have our little elf (Danny) drop off the care packages during a trip he was already making.

Unfortunately that means there are no pictures of the actual delivery. BUT, it doesn't take away how exciting it is to be able to drop off 45 care packages, sleep sacks, and extra handmade hats and blankets!

We will never be able to fully express our gratitude to everyone who continually contributes to this project. The packages outside the door, the growing pile of donations, the love and care we feel behind each person that asks how they can help. While the time we spent in the NICU was not during the holidays, it was long and it was hard. I can't imagine how hard it must be to have a baby in the NICU during the holidays and not being able to be home as a family. My hope is always that these care packages can be a bright spot in a long, tiring journey.

If you would like to read our story and how we got involved in this, click here. And also, our past years of NICU Care Packages 2011 and 2012.

So Many Thoughts in my Head

Let's see...here's what I'm thinking about today:

We took the boys to eat dinner in the car and look at one of those fancy houses with the lights and coordinating music. So cool.

Ezra is so close to crawling. He can even go from the crawling to sitting position, except he doesn't know he can't sit up and ends up falling over.

My new job is going well, I'm learning a lot about new procedures and surgeries (and doctors). I'm working two days a week. I miss my boys lots when I'm gone.

Cohen has taken to eating Ezra's baby food. Ezra is also eating some baby food. He grabs at our food and silverware any chance he gets. I can't get Cohen to eat squash or carrots any other way though, so I let him eat help Ez eat it.

It's only ten days until Christmas. I think most of our shopping is done! Ezzy is only getting one present in his stocking.

Christmas used to be my favorite. I hope it can be again someday.

Cohen is doing an awesome job potty training. He rarely has accidents, even when we are out and about. He is also still sleeping in a crib so nighttime potty training may not happen for awhile.

My friend had her baby at 35 weeks and she is the sweetest, tiny girl. What a journey they have been on! She has started a blog and I hope she writes out her story soon. I had lots of fun making some girly things for little Lily.

It's crazy that a 5 lb baby can look so tiny, and hard to believe that a 2 lb baby can be even smaller!

I finally made Cohen's first dentist appointment. I'm interested to see how it will go.

I think that's all. Whew, glad to have that all out!

Wasting Time

It was late at night and I was up unwinding, enjoying the peace and quiet. I have gotten into the habit of watching shows or sewing after the boys go to bed. I use up so much energy during the day that I like to do things that don't involve thinking once I'm "done" for the day. So, of course, I was wasting time on Pinterest and I came across an article about realizing you do have enough time if you make it. And then this jumped out at me

"Stop unwinding - Did you ever think that if you weren’t overworked, stressed out, and over it, that you wouldn’t have to spend so much time and money unwinding?" (From this article)

Well hmmm...

You mean if I was doing less, I would be less stressed out? You mean I can control how stressed out I feel? It seems so "duh" and so foreign at the same time. If I quit wasting my time doing nothing I could get things done so that I was less stressed out and could actually enjoy my free time? I could do worthwhile things in my free time instead of just spacing out?

We are in the busy season. Plans every weekend, wanting to get in all the Christmas activities on top of juggling our regular life as working parents with two small children. Part of this is intentional and part of it isn't. I tend to involve myself in many projects because if I don't, I wallow. The Christmas season will always be hard. I used to love Christmas, but things have obviously changed. In the life of a babyloss mom, the holidays are a good reminder of what we do have and also a painful reminder that someone is missing. And so, I have a tendency to dive headfirst into whatever I can find to keep myself busy. NICU care packages, craft fairs, Christmas activities with my kids and whatever else comes my way. I don't regret doing many of those things, they are worthwhile. It's everything else in between. 

But sometimes I forget that I can control my stress (well, most of it). 

I control how I spend my time, good or bad. 

There are things that I love doing and things I feel good about doing. And there are other things that  (spending an hour on facebook, checking my phone every 5 seconds, not fully engaging with my babies) that I feel less satisfied with. Let's be honest, I waste a lot of time. It's just so easy, one thing leads to another and before I know it, it's been an hour and I haven't done anything worthwhile.

This has been rolling around in my head for a few days and I really want to make a conscious effort to waste less time. To create less stress for myself. To make and spend more time doing things that have value and not just things that I end up doing because I don't want to think about anything for awhile. I want more quality time with my family. I want a clean(er) house. I want to sit back and enjoy the peace and quiet and not just do things to turn my brain off. So here we go, wish me luck!

Can anyone relate?

First Snow

Today we have had our first snow of the winter. I was excited to see what Cohen thought when he woke up. He was somewhat indifferent about it, but when I convinced him he could go outside and play, he was all in. We laid Ezra down for nap and bundled him up. I may have put a few too many clothes on him, but he was warm and toasty.

He was mostly just thrilled to be outside. It's been so cold lately that we haven't ventured out much. We went out for a quick trip in the morning and then asked Gramma to come over to sit with Ezzy so I could take Cohen out for a walk. I was freezing, but he was thrilled. We even stopped to say "hi" to a few of the neighbors. We were going to go down our favorite path, but it was a little too chilly out so we decided to head home.

I had to bribe Cohen with hot chocolate and Gramma to get him to come back inside!