Monday, October 7, 2013
Play at Home
We had a play at home in your pajamas kind of day last week. It was Danny's regular day off and I had gotten called off of work due to a slow schedule so we got to have a day off together during the week, which is rare and fun! I went to my mom's in the morning to do some sewing and then came back and played with my boys the rest of the day. We mostly stayed in our jammies, snuggled, and played toys in Cohen's room. He loved it.
Capture Your Grief: Day 7 - You Now
I first saw the topic for this day and just thought Oh boy. How do I explain where I'm at? It's been two years but sometimes feels just like yesterday. I have come a long, long ways. I have been through the anger, the devastation, and the disbelief. I've wandered around in a daze, not knowing or caring what day it was. I've wondered how this could happen to us and why. I've questioned why people aren't more understanding and sometimes so insensitive. I feel like I've come so far sometimes, and not so far other times.
When I post about Carter or my grief, I hesitate. My head tells me that people are tired of hearing about it, but sometimes it just needs to come out. And I have always believed in being honest with people about what it's like to be a babyloss parent. The pain has definitely changed. It's still here and always will be, I will always feel the loss of my baby. Now instead of constant rip your heart out aching and longing, it comes in waves. A lot of times when I don't expect it, it sneaks up and washes over me, threatening to take me under. When it comes, I try to let myself "go there" and not just stuff it down. I think that has been a huge part of my healing is allowing myself to feel and be present in the pain which then allows me to continue moving forward. I have been so blessed in having family and friends that make a safe place for me to do that.
Carter will always be my child and I will always be living without him. I will always be wondering what he would be doing at which stage. Some days it makes me smile, other days it makes me cry. There are times I can think about Carter with joy that he is my child, and other times all I feel is the pain of his absence in my life.
That's where I am not. Still grieving, but living. Feeling the pain that means that I have lost something so special
in a big way. Trying to make the most of what we've been through and enjoying our life and my boys the best that I can.
When I post about Carter or my grief, I hesitate. My head tells me that people are tired of hearing about it, but sometimes it just needs to come out. And I have always believed in being honest with people about what it's like to be a babyloss parent. The pain has definitely changed. It's still here and always will be, I will always feel the loss of my baby. Now instead of constant rip your heart out aching and longing, it comes in waves. A lot of times when I don't expect it, it sneaks up and washes over me, threatening to take me under. When it comes, I try to let myself "go there" and not just stuff it down. I think that has been a huge part of my healing is allowing myself to feel and be present in the pain which then allows me to continue moving forward. I have been so blessed in having family and friends that make a safe place for me to do that.
Carter will always be my child and I will always be living without him. I will always be wondering what he would be doing at which stage. Some days it makes me smile, other days it makes me cry. There are times I can think about Carter with joy that he is my child, and other times all I feel is the pain of his absence in my life.
in a big way. Trying to make the most of what we've been through and enjoying our life and my boys the best that I can.
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Capture Your Grief: Days 4 & 5
Day 4: Legacy
When our babies aren't given the chance to leave their own legacy, we as their parents, want to leave one for them. We have donated many, many diapers in Carter's name and I love the idea that his name is written down and it's "out there" travelling the world.
However, I think the bigger legacy is us. Our family. We are forever changed because of Carter. He has made us slow down, be kinder, and love more. I think that is his legacy for us, to make the most of our lives that we have been given.
Day 5: Memory
I hate that I don't have more memories of Carter. Some of my favorite memories are how excited we were to be having twins. I loved getting to tell people that we were pregnant with two babies and watching their faces. And, of course, I will always treasure the memories I have of holding my son and studying his sweet face, trying to remember every detail of him, so tiny and perfect.
When our babies aren't given the chance to leave their own legacy, we as their parents, want to leave one for them. We have donated many, many diapers in Carter's name and I love the idea that his name is written down and it's "out there" travelling the world.
However, I think the bigger legacy is us. Our family. We are forever changed because of Carter. He has made us slow down, be kinder, and love more. I think that is his legacy for us, to make the most of our lives that we have been given.
Day 5: Memory
I hate that I don't have more memories of Carter. Some of my favorite memories are how excited we were to be having twins. I loved getting to tell people that we were pregnant with two babies and watching their faces. And, of course, I will always treasure the memories I have of holding my son and studying his sweet face, trying to remember every detail of him, so tiny and perfect.
Friday, October 4, 2013
Fess Up Friday
You know how htey say if your baby's crying is too much you should put them down and walk away? I use that with my 2 year old as well.
Cohen has had a cold so I have been putting a bib on him simply for the purpose of using it to wipe his nose. Built in kleenex!
Danny and I have been on a health food kick and last night we laid in bed talking and drooling about all the things we wanted to eat...pizza...garlic bread...a package of oreos.
I get really irritated when people post pictures of their kids sitting and playing. Of course there's no telling how long they actually cooperated, but I'm jealous anyway.
Last night I got in bed, loudly exclaimed that it was Danny's favorite time of year and then put my frozen hands and feet on him.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Capture Your Grief: Day 3 - Myths
"Time Heals All Wounds"
Nope. It doesn't. Time does heal wounds, but only to a certain extent. These are wounds that will never go away. Will they heal? Yes. Will I always be deeply scarred? Yes. This is one of my least favorite "meant to be comforting" statements. It is basically telling a grieving mom that someday, she will not feel pain about losing her child.
Think about it (even though it's hard).
If your infant, toddler, teenager or grown child died, would you not be completely devastated? Would you want someone to tell you that eventually you'll get over it? I don't ever want to be over my son. Just like loving my living children, I will always love Carter as well. And I will always wish that he could be here with us. Time does change wounds, but it will never make them go away.
If you are interested, here's another post I wrote awhile back about words and their impact on a grieving family.
Nope. It doesn't. Time does heal wounds, but only to a certain extent. These are wounds that will never go away. Will they heal? Yes. Will I always be deeply scarred? Yes. This is one of my least favorite "meant to be comforting" statements. It is basically telling a grieving mom that someday, she will not feel pain about losing her child.
Think about it (even though it's hard).
If your infant, toddler, teenager or grown child died, would you not be completely devastated? Would you want someone to tell you that eventually you'll get over it? I don't ever want to be over my son. Just like loving my living children, I will always love Carter as well. And I will always wish that he could be here with us. Time does change wounds, but it will never make them go away.
If you are interested, here's another post I wrote awhile back about words and their impact on a grieving family.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Capture Your Grief: Day 2 - Identity
2. Identity: What is your child’s name? Why did you
chose that name? What is the meaning of their name? If they were born,
what were their birth details. What were their features? Who are they?
Our Carter Garen was born on June 5, 2011, along with his twin brother Cohen. The boys were born at 25 weeks. Carter weighed 2 lbs and was 13 1/4 inches long.
He had the tiniest, longest fingers and toes. He had a perfect little nose and a mostly bald little head. He was perfect in every way, except that his little body was too sick. When I look back at his pictures, he looks sick, but I don't remember him that way. I remember him as perfect and beautiful.
Who is he? He is our son. He is a twin and a brother. He is a grandson and nephew. He is our little boy. I don't know his personality, I don't know what he would look like today. I don't know what toys he would like. That is one of wounds that cut the deepest in my heart, is not knowing who he would be if he were here physically. I do know that in heaven, he is whole. He can run and jump and play and smile and laugh. I know that when I see him again, I will hold onto him for as long as he will let me.
Our Carter Garen was born on June 5, 2011, along with his twin brother Cohen. The boys were born at 25 weeks. Carter weighed 2 lbs and was 13 1/4 inches long.
He had the tiniest, longest fingers and toes. He had a perfect little nose and a mostly bald little head. He was perfect in every way, except that his little body was too sick. When I look back at his pictures, he looks sick, but I don't remember him that way. I remember him as perfect and beautiful.
Who is he? He is our son. He is a twin and a brother. He is a grandson and nephew. He is our little boy. I don't know his personality, I don't know what he would look like today. I don't know what toys he would like. That is one of wounds that cut the deepest in my heart, is not knowing who he would be if he were here physically. I do know that in heaven, he is whole. He can run and jump and play and smile and laugh. I know that when I see him again, I will hold onto him for as long as he will let me.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Capture Your Grief 2013
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. Last year I did the "Capture Your Grief" project and found it a very healing process. I will be doing my best to keep up with it this year. I found it interesting to look back at my posts from last year. Some things have changed and some things are still very similar.
Day 1: Sunrise
I wasn't up to see the sunrise today (or hardly any days). It's been so rainy the last week I'm not sure I would have seen one anyway. So I'll take a different perspective on the sunrise. These boys are my sunrise.
They are what get me out of bed every day and give me the strength and courage to keep moving. The sunrise brings a new day, which can sometimes seem so daunting in the midst of grief, but it can also be a chance to start new. To throw off whatever happened yesterday and have a fresh beginning and to make the most of the time I have with the ones that I love.
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